NIce Guys
This would probably make a better OKC post then LJ, but I am still pretty upset at that one thread so haven't been back in a while. And yeah, I really should be working on that EoM post.. but this is a nice quick on while waiting for a coworker to be free for handling a question that is blocking me.
Anyway, I have had the whole 'nice guy' meme on my mind lately. This is a classic one that you see thread after thread complaining about on various social sites.... the two sides argue back and forth.. guys coming in and saying girls want bad boys and pass them over as 'friends'... girls coming in and saying that such guys are not actually 'nice' but instead are slimeballs that feel entitled to sex if they are nice to girls.
I used to be in the former camp, I really bought into the idea that girls liked aggressive alpha males and everyone else (i.e. people like me) were relegated to the scrap pile.... and I kept thinking this while at the same time not only having a wonderful group of female friends but having pretty positive dating experiences. So over the years (and various girls beating the message into me that I did not, in fact, suck as badly as I thought I did) I moved away from that meme and started taking the 'other side'.
But I always had a bit of discomfort with the 'people who think they finish last because they are nice are actually slimeballs with an entitlement attitude' idea since, looking back, I really do not believe I was a slimeball at the time yet I really did believe that being a 'nice guy' was a real problem for me. So where was this coming from?
I think the missing piece.. who are 'all girls'? Obviously universals are pretty useless in general... but most people have a type (or types) that they are interested in. When I look back at where I got this feeling, it was not that there was no place for quiet introverted straitlaced people like myself, it was that many of the girls I was interested in considered this a problem OR my personality traits made interacting with these girls difficult. Now, I have fairly diverse tastes, I find lots of different types of girls interesting so while I might get twinges of 'wow, it would be nice to date a girl who XYZ', I am very happy with other combinations too.
However, looking around sites like OKC, it is not hard to find people with very narrow tastes, that have one ideal and everyone they interact with is compared against that model and ranked according to how well they match it. If one has only a single ideal they are attracted to, AND that ideal is the type of person who does not mesh with who they are or who honestly is only attracted to the 'alpha bad boy', then one can walk away with the feeling (not to inaccurate) that their 'nice guy' personality actually does lock them out of the girls they want while still not being slimy or feeling that they are entitled.
So that is my thought for today.... yay train time. I guess much of this comes down to.... things are more complicated then people probably think ^_^
Anyway, I have had the whole 'nice guy' meme on my mind lately. This is a classic one that you see thread after thread complaining about on various social sites.... the two sides argue back and forth.. guys coming in and saying girls want bad boys and pass them over as 'friends'... girls coming in and saying that such guys are not actually 'nice' but instead are slimeballs that feel entitled to sex if they are nice to girls.
I used to be in the former camp, I really bought into the idea that girls liked aggressive alpha males and everyone else (i.e. people like me) were relegated to the scrap pile.... and I kept thinking this while at the same time not only having a wonderful group of female friends but having pretty positive dating experiences. So over the years (and various girls beating the message into me that I did not, in fact, suck as badly as I thought I did) I moved away from that meme and started taking the 'other side'.
But I always had a bit of discomfort with the 'people who think they finish last because they are nice are actually slimeballs with an entitlement attitude' idea since, looking back, I really do not believe I was a slimeball at the time yet I really did believe that being a 'nice guy' was a real problem for me. So where was this coming from?
I think the missing piece.. who are 'all girls'? Obviously universals are pretty useless in general... but most people have a type (or types) that they are interested in. When I look back at where I got this feeling, it was not that there was no place for quiet introverted straitlaced people like myself, it was that many of the girls I was interested in considered this a problem OR my personality traits made interacting with these girls difficult. Now, I have fairly diverse tastes, I find lots of different types of girls interesting so while I might get twinges of 'wow, it would be nice to date a girl who XYZ', I am very happy with other combinations too.
However, looking around sites like OKC, it is not hard to find people with very narrow tastes, that have one ideal and everyone they interact with is compared against that model and ranked according to how well they match it. If one has only a single ideal they are attracted to, AND that ideal is the type of person who does not mesh with who they are or who honestly is only attracted to the 'alpha bad boy', then one can walk away with the feeling (not to inaccurate) that their 'nice guy' personality actually does lock them out of the girls they want while still not being slimy or feeling that they are entitled.
So that is my thought for today.... yay train time. I guess much of this comes down to.... things are more complicated then people probably think ^_^