I...*sigh* I don't know
Today started out really well. I got up at 10:30, went to the gym. Did 30 on the bike at level 15 and felt pretty damn good, did 30 on the cross trainer for a combined total of 750 burned calories. Feelin' the burn, as they say. Muscles were spasming like crazy. Felt good. Came home, showered. Went to the post office, grocery store gas station, library. Came home and ate lunch, did a load of laundry, the dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen floor, read a little while. Went to work.
Some time between that first truck and the last truck I realized something. I didn't want to come home. How sad is it that I would have rather stayed at work than come home to my beautiful house? I love my house with it's huge window and little front porch. But, oh God, it's so fucking empty. It leaves me feeling so fucking alone. I turn on the radio for company, or the TV and it's like a poor replacement for someone to hug me and ask me how my day was. Even though when people do that it annoys me. I don't even care, so long as I get the hug. Or just someone here.
I hate whining on this thing. I should delete this. But I feel like if don't get it out, I'll go quietly crazy. The lonliness made me think of Nathan, and the BIG reason he didn't want me. It scares me now that I can't let anyone touch me because he couldn't anymore. Because I was too big, too fat, too...everything. It scares me that I let him have that much influence over me, but it's true. He couldn't get over it, and so now I wonder if anyone can. And I wonder if I could let anyone try now. I workout, sure, five days a week come hell or high water, but nothing is slimming me down. I feel better, more confident in my clothes, but I still lack confendence in everything else.
Am I going to be alone the rest of my life because of my weight? That's the big question. And the answer scares the hell out of me.
Some time between that first truck and the last truck I realized something. I didn't want to come home. How sad is it that I would have rather stayed at work than come home to my beautiful house? I love my house with it's huge window and little front porch. But, oh God, it's so fucking empty. It leaves me feeling so fucking alone. I turn on the radio for company, or the TV and it's like a poor replacement for someone to hug me and ask me how my day was. Even though when people do that it annoys me. I don't even care, so long as I get the hug. Or just someone here.
I hate whining on this thing. I should delete this. But I feel like if don't get it out, I'll go quietly crazy. The lonliness made me think of Nathan, and the BIG reason he didn't want me. It scares me now that I can't let anyone touch me because he couldn't anymore. Because I was too big, too fat, too...everything. It scares me that I let him have that much influence over me, but it's true. He couldn't get over it, and so now I wonder if anyone can. And I wonder if I could let anyone try now. I workout, sure, five days a week come hell or high water, but nothing is slimming me down. I feel better, more confident in my clothes, but I still lack confendence in everything else.
Am I going to be alone the rest of my life because of my weight? That's the big question. And the answer scares the hell out of me.