I'm already gone
Strings.
These are the things that take us back to our past. They always exist there, locked in our joints and rooted in memories we think we understand. These memories that are reconstructed every time we access them. But the strings are there. Gossamer strings that seem unimportant when you are feeling strong, but become unbroken heavy linked chain when you feel you can't take it anymore.
I look back at the steps I've taken this year. look at the path that I've taken. I lost two of the men that really shaped me at points in my life. It makes me hurt to know that they won't be there anymore. I keep dreaming about my dad, when he was young, even though I didn't know him then. Simply that he is there, one dream that he told me he was dying and I hugged him so hard because I knew that he was going and I had a chance to say goodbye. Hugging him on the driveway of my childhood home in the sun and heat of summer and being so grateful that i knew what was coming. Dreaming of X old and sick and in a hospital, holding two sick cats and me wanting to help him.
Rita told me, remember what it was like. I couldn't see you and when you broke free and became yourself again. I remember. I remember so well. I felt every step was tearing holes into me, my heart and my mind. But like the tears you make in your muscles when you strain and feel them respond. Microdamage that heals and leaves the muscle stronger than before.
And then when dad was gone, a collapse of everything I thought I knew was important. I couldn't even stand. I was truly utterly alone on the drive home. I listened to a Twilight audiobook to try and keep myself from crashing my car in my despair. I wondered if anyone else driving on I-70 that beautiful day was feeling anything near the loss I was suffering. Everything shifted and I didn't know who I could depend on. I collapsed again when I viewed photos of someone's birthday party with his new love. I didn't feel like there was anything holding me up . I realized it was the people I love. My family, friends, anyone who ever thought of me with any tenderness. I feel like I'm in a hammock of love. All the strings of the people who care for me.
Anxiety rushes through me daily and the only way I know to respond is to run. Not from or to anything but just the act. Feeling pulses and trying to understand why these thoughts produce these feelings in me.
Trying to understand the dichotomy of loving and hating someone and letting that just slide. Letting it just be, and rest, and not overwhelm me.
these tangled spiderwebs are not stronger than me...
Sometimes I just need to cry... pretty hard.
cheesy, I know, but Kelly Clarkson knows how to sing.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
These are the things that take us back to our past. They always exist there, locked in our joints and rooted in memories we think we understand. These memories that are reconstructed every time we access them. But the strings are there. Gossamer strings that seem unimportant when you are feeling strong, but become unbroken heavy linked chain when you feel you can't take it anymore.
I look back at the steps I've taken this year. look at the path that I've taken. I lost two of the men that really shaped me at points in my life. It makes me hurt to know that they won't be there anymore. I keep dreaming about my dad, when he was young, even though I didn't know him then. Simply that he is there, one dream that he told me he was dying and I hugged him so hard because I knew that he was going and I had a chance to say goodbye. Hugging him on the driveway of my childhood home in the sun and heat of summer and being so grateful that i knew what was coming. Dreaming of X old and sick and in a hospital, holding two sick cats and me wanting to help him.
Rita told me, remember what it was like. I couldn't see you and when you broke free and became yourself again. I remember. I remember so well. I felt every step was tearing holes into me, my heart and my mind. But like the tears you make in your muscles when you strain and feel them respond. Microdamage that heals and leaves the muscle stronger than before.
And then when dad was gone, a collapse of everything I thought I knew was important. I couldn't even stand. I was truly utterly alone on the drive home. I listened to a Twilight audiobook to try and keep myself from crashing my car in my despair. I wondered if anyone else driving on I-70 that beautiful day was feeling anything near the loss I was suffering. Everything shifted and I didn't know who I could depend on. I collapsed again when I viewed photos of someone's birthday party with his new love. I didn't feel like there was anything holding me up . I realized it was the people I love. My family, friends, anyone who ever thought of me with any tenderness. I feel like I'm in a hammock of love. All the strings of the people who care for me.
Anxiety rushes through me daily and the only way I know to respond is to run. Not from or to anything but just the act. Feeling pulses and trying to understand why these thoughts produce these feelings in me.
Trying to understand the dichotomy of loving and hating someone and letting that just slide. Letting it just be, and rest, and not overwhelm me.
these tangled spiderwebs are not stronger than me...
Sometimes I just need to cry... pretty hard.
cheesy, I know, but Kelly Clarkson knows how to sing.
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
Even with our fists held high
It never would've worked out right
We were never meant for do or die
I didn't want us to burn out
I didn't come here to hold you, now I can't stop
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
Looking at you makes it harder
But I know that you'll find another
That doesn't always make you want to cry
Started with a perfect kiss then we could feel the poison set in
Perfect couldn't keep this love alive
You know that I love you so, I love you enough to let you go
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone
Already gone, already gone, already gone, yeah
Remember all the things we wanted
Now all our memories they're haunted
We were always meant to say goodbye
I want you to know that it doesn't matter
Where we take this road someone's gotta go
And I want you to know you couldn't have loved me better
But I want you to move on so I'm already gone
I'm already gone, already gone
You can't make it feel right when you know that it's wrong
I'm already gone, already gone
There's no moving on so I'm already gone