I don't belong here
dream:
Somehow I was staying at my ex-boyfriends house and we were just like, well let's just sleep together. so he went to go and brush his teeth and since I am a girl and in dreams, we are perfect and don't have to do anything, I just had to take my pants off and get into bed. It was like double the size of a king size bed and I didn't know which side he slept on. Then this woman came in the room and I was like, "which side do I sleep on?" hoping she would say the left. She did. So I was about to get in and she starts having this super intense conversation with me. And then He comes in the room looking so devastatingly gorgeous and my heart starts beating really fast and hard and I know that everyone can hear it, but I can't stop it.
Then in the middle of the woman's long ass speech he rolls his eye and leans in my ear and starts whispering about how crazy she is and how he wants her to leave so we can just go to bed. and I am answering him all the while trying to be polite to this woman. I don't remember how she went away but I am pretty sure that he forcefully removed her lol. Then we got into bed and just held hands and stared at each other and then I know we had sex. But it was movie sex, where you know you are about to have it, but then the scene fades out and it's the next morning and you wake up looking like you just had 173493 orgasms.
yeah, that's pretty much what happened.
But then it was like awhile later and I was pregnant. But I didn't know until it was too late. And at this point I was five months pregnant. and I was really scared, because I was sure that it was the ex-boyfriends, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want his life to be over. So I decided that I was giving her up. Yep, it was a girl. And I didn't want to tell anyone, and I hoped that I could just hide it until the end. But somehow he found out, and it was bad.
I remember once when we were dating (this is real life now) I did something stupid, and he gave me a look that expressed everything that he couldn't say and everything that was in me collapsed and I felt so useless.
now in the dream, he gave me the same look. But this time it wasn't like, "what the fuck you idiot!!" it was more, "what the hell... I'm part of this too. Don't do it alone." But I knew that when it came down to it, I would have to do it alone. But he didn't want me to, and that made a really big difference.
Then I had to tell my mom and my grandmother and I did and they were like, "take care of it" and I told them, that I would give her away, and then they were shocked but gave me a credit card and told me to go shop to get this off my mind. Which is pretty hard to get off your mind, if you are shopping for clothes to fit you, WHILE YOU'RE PREGNANT! god, my dreams are weird as shit.
I woke up and I just wanted to go back to that moment where I was lying in his bed and everything felt perfect. But then I woke up and I was on tumblr, and I saw the dearbaby blog (which I think is adorable) so I went to vote for her on topbabyblogs and I was looking at all of the others blogs and then there was one about a baby names cora. Who lived for five days and died in her mothers arms. Why I decided to read that, I can't tell you. I'm already in a down mood, coupled with the longing that goes with this type of dream, I was completely not prepared for this. I couldn't stop crying. I was actually full out sobbing into my hands at one point.
If you want to, then go here.
but don't go unless you are prepared for part of you to be forever changed.
this might be my unspoken biggest fear.
Somehow I was staying at my ex-boyfriends house and we were just like, well let's just sleep together. so he went to go and brush his teeth and since I am a girl and in dreams, we are perfect and don't have to do anything, I just had to take my pants off and get into bed. It was like double the size of a king size bed and I didn't know which side he slept on. Then this woman came in the room and I was like, "which side do I sleep on?" hoping she would say the left. She did. So I was about to get in and she starts having this super intense conversation with me. And then He comes in the room looking so devastatingly gorgeous and my heart starts beating really fast and hard and I know that everyone can hear it, but I can't stop it.
Then in the middle of the woman's long ass speech he rolls his eye and leans in my ear and starts whispering about how crazy she is and how he wants her to leave so we can just go to bed. and I am answering him all the while trying to be polite to this woman. I don't remember how she went away but I am pretty sure that he forcefully removed her lol. Then we got into bed and just held hands and stared at each other and then I know we had sex. But it was movie sex, where you know you are about to have it, but then the scene fades out and it's the next morning and you wake up looking like you just had 173493 orgasms.
yeah, that's pretty much what happened.
But then it was like awhile later and I was pregnant. But I didn't know until it was too late. And at this point I was five months pregnant. and I was really scared, because I was sure that it was the ex-boyfriends, but I didn't want to tell him because I didn't want his life to be over. So I decided that I was giving her up. Yep, it was a girl. And I didn't want to tell anyone, and I hoped that I could just hide it until the end. But somehow he found out, and it was bad.
I remember once when we were dating (this is real life now) I did something stupid, and he gave me a look that expressed everything that he couldn't say and everything that was in me collapsed and I felt so useless.
now in the dream, he gave me the same look. But this time it wasn't like, "what the fuck you idiot!!" it was more, "what the hell... I'm part of this too. Don't do it alone." But I knew that when it came down to it, I would have to do it alone. But he didn't want me to, and that made a really big difference.
Then I had to tell my mom and my grandmother and I did and they were like, "take care of it" and I told them, that I would give her away, and then they were shocked but gave me a credit card and told me to go shop to get this off my mind. Which is pretty hard to get off your mind, if you are shopping for clothes to fit you, WHILE YOU'RE PREGNANT! god, my dreams are weird as shit.
I woke up and I just wanted to go back to that moment where I was lying in his bed and everything felt perfect. But then I woke up and I was on tumblr, and I saw the dearbaby blog (which I think is adorable) so I went to vote for her on topbabyblogs and I was looking at all of the others blogs and then there was one about a baby names cora. Who lived for five days and died in her mothers arms. Why I decided to read that, I can't tell you. I'm already in a down mood, coupled with the longing that goes with this type of dream, I was completely not prepared for this. I couldn't stop crying. I was actually full out sobbing into my hands at one point.
If you want to, then go here.
but don't go unless you are prepared for part of you to be forever changed.
this might be my unspoken biggest fear.