a hundred and one
a hundred and one
hoseok/jimin (bts) - ~8,000 words - warnings (spoilers? if you hover)
jung hoseok had been a hundred and one people. park jimin had only been two.
a/n: written for 2015's bts exchange. reincarnation!au
jung hoseok had been a hundred people and one.
jung hoseok lived as a bard, as a traditional dancer, as a doctor, as a second-year university student just trying to pass finals in order to advance to the next year. jung hoseok has lived many lives but he could never stick to one- anything. one gender, one life, one hobby, one dream. he’s indecisive, unable to think for himself with endless possibilities in his heart and soul- waiting to be sparked with the next rebirth.
funny how the one thing hoseok decided on was love.
it was during his first lifetime.
his first year out of many.
he was a simple dancer back in the joseon dynasty- funny how dance always seemed to integrate itself into each and every one of his lives, whether he was practically a full-on prodigy or someone who fell on their face each time they used their feet for something other than transportation.
park jimin was a fascinating person all on her own. she was careful, delicate, light on her feet - her hanbok swaying in the air each time she moved with grace. it was unfathomable, the idea of her needing a teacher to guide her. but a royal dinner was to be conducted in a month’s time, so little of a period to get such a complex choreography down.
funny how that managed to get her to ask for jung hoseok’s assistance.
“it is the nerves, you see,” she insisted, her voice strangely rougher than most of the women hoseok had ever encountered. “i am perfectly fine on my own, just … crowds tend to get me all jittery.”
“you should see the village doctor about that,” hoseok said, tilting his head with a curious gleam in his eyes. “that is something i cannot help you with, miss.”
“please, hoseok-ssi.” jimin took a step closer, taking hoseok’s hand in both her own, pleading. she was desperate from the looks of it, and hoseok wasn’t sure whether she should be blamed. she’s to perform before the royal line in just a month after all. “i do not want to disappoint the king. my life as a dancer just might depend on this.”
hoseok swallowed the small lump in his throat, unsure. he took another look at her face, so young and fair despite being just a year younger. “my teachings are not kind to anyone, jimin-ssi. you will have to go through some vigorous training.”
“i can handle that!” jimin exclaimed, only to clasp her hands over her mouth like she had done something wrong. true, since hoseok had never been yelled at by a woman before - but he just stands there, debating over whether to be compliant to her desires. “please. everyone had led me to you. you are the only one who could help me.”
hoseok looked at her face one more time. it’s been so long since he had been invited to the royal palace to dance - so long since he had danced at all, the royalty’s pay enough to set him for life.
“... meet me here no later than dawn. we have much to cover.”
the moment bangtan gathers in one small circle for the first time, it’s like looking at her all over again.
the style of clothing is unfamiliar on this park jimin, tank top and snapback contrasting hard to the pretty hanbok hoseok had seen back in the joseon dynasty. it’s been centuries, generations- and jimin’s face is clear as day and easily recognizable in hoseok’s vast memory. he’s just as adoring as he had been so long ago, a bit of chub still in his cheeks that the company had let slide for now.
dance is much different in the 21st century, but hoseok is just as skilled as he had been back then- if not better. jimin and the other trainees watch in awe at how fluid his movements are, easy against the smooth wooden floor like it’s dancing with him. there’s practically sparkles in jimin’s eyes, an amazed expression of a fellow dancer compared to the envious maknae who wishes there is as much emotion in his dancing as hoseok expresses.
already jimin and jeongguk are fighting to be helped by hoseok, who just watches them, bemused.
“hoseok!” they both exclaim in unison, causing the older boy to look their way.
“who do you want to help first? jimin or me?” jeongguk asks, confident.
“yah! weren’t you taught to call everyone else ‘hyung’?” jimin makes a playful kick at jeongguk while the youngest laughs.
“i can take jiminnie first,” hoseok pipes up. the two boys stare at hoseok like he has three heads. hoseok blinks back at them. “it’s no big deal. i’m going over the choreo with both of you anyway. jimin can get first dibs since he’s older.”
“hah!” jimin grins, reaching all the way to his ears. he jabs a finger into jeongguk’s chest, smugness all over his face. “told you you should respect your hyung.” jeongguk just scoffs and rolls his eyes as a response.
“but- we have to stretch first before we start, jimin-ah.”
“hah.” jeongguk jabs into jimin’s chest in retaliation.
“hey now, jeongguk-ah,” hoseok begins, nudging jeongguk in the side. “you’ll have to stretch while you’re waiting for us the whole time while you’re at it.”
the paleness that strikes jeongguk’s disbelieving face almost has hoseok and jimin eventually laughing until tears form at the corners of their eyes.
park jimin had a lot more stamina than jung hoseok had hoped for - hardly ever seeing bags forming under her eyes from all the training hoseok’s put her through. a good thing too, because hoseok would rather not have to take her to the village doctor or leave her unconscious from all the work exerted on her.
hoseok wasn’t so knowledgeable in the scientific aspect of the world back then to know what jimin had been hiding sooner.
“a boy,” he breathed out the word, unable to properly take in the situation, having walked in to a flat-chested jimin. “you are a boy.”
“no,” jimin replied in pure panic, scrambling to cover herself with her hanbok. “i am a girl. really, i am.” tears formed in her eyes. “i am a girl. that is what i want to be.”
hoseok leaned back against the wall, registering the sight before him finally. he avoided eye contact for a moment, only to look back at a flat chest. “... you … want to be a girl.”
“with all my heart,” jimin whispered, looking down on the floor. “i- i know it is very unusual- i know i should be a boy because i was born like this, but-” she lifts her head, looking straight at hoseok. “i always look at the other girl dancers with envy. i want to have grace like them. i want to be them. is that … unusual? does that make me abnormal?”
but jimin had already grasped onto that grace, the light air in her steps, the sway of her arms. she would have fully passed as a girl, grace and petiteness and all, even if she hadn’t admitted what she had just a few moments ago. hoseok fully acknowledged that, unable to understand why jimin hadn’t either.
before he realized it himself, he reached out to brush the hair out of her face, his expression softening.
“you are not abnormal, jimin-ssi,” he said. “if you want to be a girl, then a girl, you will be.” jimin’s face fell just as soft, thankful. hoseok smiled back at her, adjusting her robes back around her figure. “now, come on. we have a lot of dancing to do.”
there is nothing different about this park jimin.
this park jimin is just as enthusiastic, as passionate about dancing as the first jimin was. hoseok sees a lot of the first jimin in him - in the way he would just smile and joke around whenever the other members were down and exhausted from hours of vocal and dance practice, bearing the burden of an idol trainee.
nobody can deny that his presence is one to be appreciated. all the members respect jimin as a trainee, how easily he got strung into the final lineup of bangtan sonyeondan in just over a year.
hoseok watches him progressively lose weight according to shihyuk’s orders, improve in his dancing with each practice session at the break of dawn. he certainly doesn’t want him to strain himself too much, evident in the way he physically drags jimin to sit by the mirror for a while with laughter ringing in the room, or in the way he would slip jimin half of his serving of rice whenever the younger boy would look at his food with longing.
the way jimin presents himself is much to get used to, and hoseok eventually learns that this jimin wants to be a boy, but it’s hard to learn not to be so delicate towards him - like he’s a person bound to break at even the slightest pressure.
it’s easier to be afraid of losing him again, after all these centuries of looking for jimin.
jung hoseok had lived a hundred and one lives, and he’s lucky enough to be able to find park jimin in two of them. he wouldn’t give that up for the world.
“you’re working yourself to death,” hoseok remarks, pressing a cold bottle of water to jimin’s temple, causing the younger to flinch.
jimin accepts the water gratefully, taking a languid sip. “i have to, if i want us to debut soon.”
“i don’t want you passing out before we even start on our debut track, jimin-ah.” hoseok chuckles before he continues, “you’ve already lost so much weight. you don’t need to push yourself like that, alright?”
jimin lifts his head up at hoseok sadly, slipping his snapback and letting it rest in his lap. “seokjin hyung and i are already delaying the debut. and it’s bad enough we have to beg shihyuk-nim to let taehyung into our lineup." he frowns once acknowledging this. "another member means longer time before we get to become idols.”
“taehyungie’s a good kid. i don’t see why they wouldn’t let him in the group.” hoseok sits down besides him and relishes in the time it takes to ruffle jimin’s hair, turning it into a disheveled mess. “don’t worry too much about it. if we debut late, we debut late.” he grins. “time will pass by before you even know it.”
“you’re too nice, hyung,” jimin mumbles, wrapping both hands around the bottle. “you know you can talk to me if you’re having problems too, right?”
hoseok pauses. there’s so much he wants to tell jimin - how he’s been searching near and far just to see his face again, how much he loves him, how much he wants him to live as long as he can for this one lifetime. the words he wants to say get caught in his throat, unable to escape. his smile falls solemn now and he throws his arm around his shoulders, pulling jimin close. “it’s alright. hyung is here to listen to you. no need to return the favor.”
“you are getting much better at this.”
jimin turned to face hoseok, breathless from their session and reaching out to take the cup of tea in both her hands. “do you think so?” she blew into the steaming cup before taking a dainty sip. “i feel like i might have stumbled in the middle of the steps you showed me.”
“if so, then i have not noticed,” hoseok admitted with a soft smile. “you are doing so well, jimin-ssi. there is no reason for the king to not enjoy your performance. besides, you were talented enough before you sought for my help.”
“you are too kind, hoseok-ssi. you know i could never be as equal in skill as you,” she replied, hesitant to give a smile back, shaky on his lips. “i am grateful you agreed to assist me in this. i really am.”
“the feast is coming in two week’s time,” hoseok mused, rubbing his chin. “i am sure we can fit a lot into two weeks.”
“may we take a break one of those days?”
hoseok looks back at her in surprise. “a break?”
“i would like to just spend time with you, hoseok-ssi,” she confessed, cheeks turning red. “we could walk outside the village, see what is out there perhaps.”
they stared at each other for a good moment until hoseok started to smile again. “a walk would be nice.”
“there’s something weird going on between you and jimin.”
hoseok’s eyes flicker over to namjoon in surprise, before he focuses back on working on his lyrics. he, namjoon, and yoongi have full reign over the bangtan room today - and today is a day for songwriting. “define weird.”
“i’m not stupid,” namjoon says, swiveling around in his chair and folding his arms against his chest. he leans back against the chair. “listen, i know you can have your favorites or whatever. but i see the way you look at him.”
“i think you’re kind of misinterpreting things, namjoon,” hoseok hums. he flips through his papers, trying to establish a proper rhythm in his words. “jimin’s just a really good dongsaeng to me, that’s all.”
“you’re lying.”
both of the boys look over to yoongi, who scowls at both of them as the oldest one in the room. they already know him as someone who doesn’t choose to speak much, preferring to be more engrossed in rapping and producing than to be social with the other members.
it is much to the company’s chagrin, however, if the constant lectures straight to his face about having to make suga's personality appealing to the media and fans alike says anything about it. fanservice is of prime importance when it comes to being in a boy group. but the other boys know just how bitter yoongi is to end up debuting in an idol group than in a real hip-hop group that he truly wanted, all having to succumb to flashy choreography and makeup smeared on their faces.
still, it’s surprising to hoseok how easy yoongi decided to meddle in his business.
“i’m not lying, yoongi hyung,” hoseok claims, though his apple bobs in his throat, his words almost caught mid-way.
“bullshit. you think no one sees the way you are around jimin? don’t be ridiculous.” that’s the way yoongi is, harsh and blunt, his words easily cutting through people like a freshly-sharpened sword. namjoon nods in agreement. “i don’t know what the fuck you’re up to, but if we want to make our debut as soon as possible, we can’t fuck up at all.”
“i know.” he knows. and he’s grateful that jimin doesn’t know about anything.
“if you’re into that, i’m cool with that. you do whatever you want.” yoongi shrugs but he’s still scowling, “but we’re lucky enough to get them to say yes to taehyung. you can’t screw everything up just because your dick is all high and mighty from looking at jimin just for a second. got that?”
hoseok swallows hard, his hands clenching into fists with his nails digging into his palms. he stares at yoongi in silence before he replies, “okay.”
“i’m just telling you to be careful.” yoongi’s voice is softer now, the blade dulled as soon as it struck. but he knows he should finish now, looking back down at his notebook. “i want all of us to have a chance of getting big. that’s all.”
that’s the biggest desire once becoming a trainee. and that’s all what trainees should desire. maybe hoseok is just lucky enough to score a spot like this after being downgraded from jyp to bighit - so yoongi’s right. he shouldn’t screw this up for the sake of himself and the others.
but why can’t he get both?
hoseok gave a look of disbelief, eyes wide at the sudden confession thrown his way. he nearly dropped his pen- nearly knocked over the bottle of ink that could risk ruining the entirety of his scrolls. unable to take in her words, he stared back at jimin, whose cheeks were dusted with fluster and adoration. “you what?”
“i love you,” she repeated, feeling her own skin brighten in color, lowering her head in shame. “sorry- that must be too much of me, but-” she lifted her head to look at him again, trying to ebb away any embarrassment. “i stand by what i said. i love you, hoseok-ssi.”
hoseok set down his pen and folded his hands against his lap, pausing in deep thought. there was too much to focus on. there was too much work that couldn’t be wasted over this one little thing- “this is so sudden, jimin-ssi. i hope you know that the feast is just a week away from now. we cannot have any distractions, do you not understand that?”
“i know, but-” she fiddled with his hair, the ribbon on her robes. “- the walk we had the other day had me thinking that- maybe i have feelings for you, hoseok-ssi. i really do mean it. i swear on my heart, i would not say this to anyone else.”
“not even to your parents?”
jimin avoided eye contact, her hands rigid against silk, speaking softer than the confident volume she had possessed not even a minute ago. “my parents do not even acknowledge me as their child. they sent me out of the house the moment they learned i wanted to pursue girl’s dance.” her fingers dug into the fabric until her knuckles grew white. “if they do not love me, of course i would not say such words.”
hoseok bit down on his lip. of course, he thought about being involved with jimin like that, how wonderful an affair it would be should they end up being together. the possible concern of being ostracized by the rest of the village was the least of his worries. if the villagers took it upon themselves to help jimin come to him, then they shouldn’t have any problems with them being romantically involved at all.
still, something had to be keeping him hesitant to accept her confession wholeheartedly.
“the feast, jimin-ssi,” he reminded, firm on his words. “you need to be focusing on the performance or else the king may never invite you back.”
“but-”
“after the feast may we speak about this, park jimin.”
it hurt, giving this such a condition that hoseok couldn’t bear to wait for. but it was for the sake of jimin, whose dream had been to perform before royalty all her life. it was for the sake of that one girl, who he had never expected to be as important to him as she was.
they had so much riding on this one performance, and maybe the king just might ask for both of them to return.
“is something bothering you, hyung?”
hoseok rolls over to look directly at jimin, both breathless among everyone else in the practice room - group practice is always a tiring thing, more exhausting than the individual vocal and dance practice sessions they all have to attend. jimin willingly rolls his bottle of water in hoseok’s direction, sending him a soft smile.
“why do you ask?” he asks, thankful as he takes a languid gulp from the bottle.
“your steps have been off … you weren’t at the center point whenever you needed to be, either.” jimin tilts his head, cross-legged against the smooth floor, his eyelids blinking once, twice, “are you okay? do you want to talk about it?”
a lot has been going on in hoseok’s mind. the fact that jimin is right there in front of him, the talk with yoongi and namjoon, the impending yet tentative date of their eventual debut - everything is too much and never too little, with little room to breathe in between each thought.
“i’m just … nervous,” hoseok said.
“is it because of our debut?” jimin slides past the other members to make his way over to hoseok, slumping over to his side to lie on his back beside him. “it’s still so far away.”
“not just that.” hoseok drapes an arm over his face. he exhales, as if to try to release the heavy burdens weighing on his chest. “just- so many things going on.” he can feel the leering looks sent his way by namjoon and yoongi, how much they easily impact him like all the air had been pushed out of him so he can’t breathe.
“hyung.”
he can’t breathe with jimin there and not knowing.
“hyung.”
he can’t-
“teacher, i think hoseok hyung isn’t feeling well,” jimin calls out to their choreographer with a small frown. “i’ll take him out to get some fresh air. come on, hyung-” before hoseok even realizes it, he’s being urged up to his feet and out the practice room.
they both lean against a wall outside the building, cans of cold soft drinks in their hands that they’re probably not allowed to have as trainees. too much calories and sugar with little nutritional value. but jimin doesn’t particularly care, and neither does hoseok.
“... you’re still in the lineup, right?” hoseok asks, quiet.
“of course.” jimin’s smile is weary now. “i still need to work on losing more weight- but they said i dance too well that i can’t just be kicked out.” he plays with his fingers, suddenly nervous. “it was bad enough namjoon hyung’s crew wanted to leave.”
“i don’t blame them.” hoseok kicks at a rock lying around the ground, watching it skitter away. “they were there to be in a hip-hop group. idol life isn’t for everyone.”
“what about you, hyung?”
he pauses, looking over to jimin. “... i wanted to dance.” his eyes travel up to the sky - cloudy and bleak, unclear like the future. “ as long as i can do that on stage where people can see- i’m okay. it’s just that rapping wasn’t exactly my top priority.”
jimin hums in acknowledgement and lowers his head. “yeah,” he says. “my vocals are weak. i don’t know if i’ll be able to get even one line when we make our debut.”
"you're underestimating yourself." hoseok crushes the empty can in his hand and tosses it in the general direction towards the nearest trash can, watching it skirt around the edge before narrowly missing it and landing on the ground. "all of us are underestimating ourselves."
"maybe you're right." jimin hums again, frowning into his own can.
hoseok is. he knows that every one of them deserve their spot in the lineup, even kim seokjin - who claims that he just wanted to become an actor, with no intentions of becoming an idol. there is potential in his weak vocals, improving with each practice hoseok listens in. jeongguk is so young, but there's no doubt the 'golden maknae' status is bound to be set upon him with how quick he's learning.
all of them deserve their debut. there is nothing to be concerned about. he sees everything in jimin, so much potential, just as he did back when he first met him.
"we just have to keep working." hoseok throws an arm around his shoulders to pull jimin close, rubbing his shoulder in an attempt to comfort him. "our debut date will be announced soon."
jimin's lips were softer than hoseok had expected.
hoseok was aware of how wrong this could possibly be, especially with how close the night of the feast was. but he didn't linger on that for now, more absorbed in the way her lips felt against his, light and soft like her feet.
"hoseok-" and her words were silenced by his lips again, lost in the feeling, lost in jung hoseok.
they couldn't do this for long, even within the privacy of hoseok's quarters. hoseok acknowledged this a second too late, pulling back, his forehead thumping against hers.
"i love you, hoseok," jimin utters out again, reaching out for more.
of course hoseok loved her, evident in the way he looked at her, the way he gently cupped her cheeks into his hands, pulling her into another kiss. "and i, you."
june 12, 2013.
that is when bangtan is supposed to make their debut.
the members and staff throw a party now, worries on how longer they'd have to wait and whether they'll stay in the lineup or not long forgotten. it isn't long before the staff disperse and leave the room for the boys to continue their festivities- and that's when the packs of soju break out.
even jeongguk is allowed a bottle. just one, despite seokjin's efforts to protest against having such an underaged kid drink alcohol.
"lighten up," namjoon says, patting seokjin's shoulder sympathetically. "everyone needs to celebrate."
yoongi doesn't hesitate on popping open the cap of a bottle and pouring shots for him and namjoon, pausing to think before he moves to pour one for seokjin. "here, hyung," he offers. "you'll need it."
especially with the way jimin and taehyung encourage jeongguk to down as much shots as he can manage.
"chug! chug! chug! chug!"
"oh my god," seokjin exclaims, but he surrenders, tilting his head back to take the shot.
getting drunk is an easy task for the younger ones, with jimin and taehyung giggling against each other's shoulders. they learn that jeongguk is the silent kind of drunk as he hiccups and dozes off against seokjin's shoulders.
there's color flushed across hoseok's face, as he drinks another shot, the alcohol burning just barely in his throat. jimin moves to giggle against his shoulder now. they are all just completely gone, especially namjoon and yoongi who just end up making out on the floor.
hoseok's hand shake as he pours himself another glass, feeling another hand clasps over his to give him support.
"i got you, hyung." it's jimin. and he's so close, whatever distance hoseok thought they had between them gone.
"thanks." hoseok hiccups in the middle of saying the word, causing jimin to burst into another fit of giggles.
"you're so cute, hyung," jimin says. "sooooo cute."
"i'm not cute," hoseok mumbles under his breath, falling quiet, his eyes fluttering closed. "you're the cute one, dongsaeng."
"no," jimin answers, poking hoseok in the chest. "you are."
god.
"not cuter than you, if you're going to keep having these cheeks," hoseok remarks, almost slurring out the words, reaching out to pinch at the chubby skin between his thumb and forefinger.
jimin recoils at this, wrinkling his nose, his face getting all scrunching up and making him look all the more adorable. "... am i that cute, hyung?"
they're both drunk, they're all drunk, that much is obvious. "so cute," hoseok coos, pinching it tighter before taking the current shot in his other hand, letting the soju be present as liquid confidence. "my cute jiminnie."
he doesn't know what happened between calling him cute and feeling jimin's lips on his own. he's not even sure whether he wants to question what had happened, because jimin's lips are as soft as he remembered, plump and tasting vaguely of the soju they were all drinking.
none of the others seem to notice the exchange, either too absorbed in something else or too unconscious to take note of anything. later, hoseok will be relieved for this.
the hand pinching jimin's cheek moves to cup his face, pulling him closer.
and for once, he wishes jimin won't remember this for both their sake.
the feast had both of them anxious. the two stood before the royal palace, jimin clasping her hand over hoseok's for some support. hoseok willingly squeezes back, his fingers filling the gaps between hers with their palms squeezing together.
"this is it," jimin squeaked out. "today is the day that determines everything."
"not everything," hoseok said.
no, not everything. no matter what, nothing could change the fact that they were with each other. the king wouldn't demand for them to separate, angered by their fingers interlaced into one enjoined tangle. no, all that mattered was that jimin put on a jaw-dropping performance.
"what if i end up making all sorts of mistakes?" jimin looked to hoseok for guidance, "what if i forget everything you have taught me?"
hoseok steps closer to her, their foreheads pressing together, and he replies with, "you will not forget. i will not let you, alright? just know i will be waiting for you right here."
jimin doesn't seem as convinced, so hoseok takes the extra step and presses their lips together into a chaste kiss, smiling against her lips.
"i will be right here, waiting for your return."
it's time for them to part ways for now, so jimin gave a voluntary squeeze against hoseok's hand and took a step back.
when she turns around, she doesn't look back, gathering whatever courage she could as soon as she pushed the doors open. she bows with politeness towards the maidens greeting her with countless welcomes, following through their guidance to get her looking proper for the king.
i will be right here. jimin couldn't help but smile at that, closing her eyes as the maidens began their work on her.
jimin doesn't remember any of that night.
at least that's what hoseok interprets his usual behavior to be like, watching him laugh with taehyung and jeongguk while throwing his arms around them both. jimin should be alright, if the fact that he's smiling and trying to catch both taehyung and jeongguk into equal headlocks.
meanwhile, the older members are immobilized in their rooms back at the dorm with killer hangovers, being scolded and berated for sneaking in alcohol without the staff's permission. though they are unaware of the fact that they let the kids drink too.
hoseok is thankful for that at least, left behind with the role as the oldest member in charge of looking after the others, his hangover not as severe as namjoon's and yoongi's. seokjin is another story, sleeping like a rock no matter what attempt the staff members make to wake him up.
he'd rather not have to face a punishment for "being too careless" when they're the ones who have to be responsible for the younger ones' well-being.
"hyung?"
hoseok looks up in surprise to find jimin, standing over him. he glances over to taehyung and jeongguk, taking note of the faint background noise of an anime being played on one of their phones. "what is it, jimin-ah?"
jimin shuffles his feet against the floor. "can we talk in private?"
hoseok knows this isn't going to end well, he can tell from the uneasy feeling settling down into his stomach, but he nods, getting up to his feet. "of course. where to?"
jimin is hesitating before he reaches out to take hoseok's wrist, leading him out the practice room until they're finally outside the building, the same place they had been at when they last talked between just the two of them.
the grave and weary look splayed across jimin's face shows that this isn't going to be a light conversation between both of them.
"i heard you," jimin admits, fists tight against the tank he's wearing. his snapback is crooked and hoseok has the urge to fix it as he usually would, but he restrains himself for the sake of continuing what jimin means to say. "the other night."
the memory of the night is still blurry in hoseok's mind. remembering a hundred and one lives is something he is certainly capable of, but remembering things he's done under the influence of alcohol certainly is not.
"what did i say, jimin-ah?" hoseok asks, low and relaxed, breathing quietly.
"my first life," jimin says, repeats, keeping a fair distance between him and a person he thought he knew. "what did you mean by that?"
crap.
it flickers in hoseok's head now, the memory of words murmured in jimin's ear he didn't mean to say now, not yet. he can feel his own face redden in color, flushed in the shame that came with such an accidental mishap.
a major, major accidental mishap.
"you must be remembering things wrong, jimin-ah," hoseok breaths out. "you were drunk out of your mind."
jimin gives an immediate shake of the head, aggressive and firm before he replies, "no. i remember- that's the only thing i remember actually." he looks straight into hoseok's eyes, swallowing, "is there something i don't know, hoseok hyung? or am i just treating this as something bigger than it should be?"
he messed up. jung hoseok, soul to a hundred and one lives, had finally let slip of something he's never admitted to anyone. there's a reason he wants to keep something like this all to himself, so he'd avoid looks like the bewildered one jimin is giving him.
"... you're scaring me, jimin," hoseok says, fists clenched against his sides.
"i'm not trying to scare you!" jimin exclaims then takes a step back, surprised by the sudden change in his tone. hoseok's eyes widen, seeing a flash of the first jimin right there and then. jimin brushes his own fingers along his lips. "... whatever you're hiding, hyung- i don't like it."
hoseok swallows hard. "it's nothing for you to worry about," he responds, staring right back at jimin. "this is hyung's problem, not yours."
this is too much. too much to tell jimin. too much for anyone to believe-
"hyung."
too much-
"hyung, you look like you're in pain."
and hoseok finally reaches out to hug him close.
jimin has never felt so right in his arms, his figure snug against his. he can tell that he had taken the younger boy aback with the way jimin stiffens against him. they've never hugged like this. none of the members have ever hugged each other like this, the closest they've ever been was whenever they held hands in one big circle, murmuring "bangtan" under their breaths like a mantra in hopes that they'd make their debut soon.
"hyung-"
hoseok hushes him, holding him close, practically trembling against him. "god, you have no idea how scared i am, jimin."
"hyung?" jimin tries to grasp his attention again, clutching onto the back of hoseok's shirt tight. "hyung, are you okay?"
"i'm just so scared-"
"i'm here, hyung," jimin whispers. "i'm here." he looks up to the sky as if it would give any guidance, completely lost on how to comfort his fellow groupmate. groupmate. the word leaves a bitter taste on his tongue. hoseok isn't just that. he's- after he had done so much for him- he's-
hoseok is so important to him.
hoseok is aware of that himself. yoongi and namjoon aren't in the wrong. he's aware of the way jimin looks at him, adoration and maybe something else lingering in his eyes. he's tried to ignore it. god, did he try to ignore it.
but when he looks back at him, it's like looking at the first park jimin all over again, smiling in her robes and giving that same look.
a look of love.
it takes all of what's left in hoseok for him to finally quiver out, "i'm sorry about the kiss."
jimin pauses. "is that what you're so scared about?" his lips curl into a shy smile. "that i'd get mad that we kissed? hyung, i-" he digs his front teeth into his lower lip to try and restrain what he's tempted to say until he spills, "... i didn't mind it."
hoseok isn't scared because of that. her screams still echo in his head. he can still feel the blood dripping into his hands and staining his clothes. a hundred lives later, and he still remembers how scared he was back then, how scared he is now to experience that again.
but what use is there keeping a distance? he'd rather see that same look of love in jimin's eyes than the hurt that is evident whenever the older boy strays away from contact. so he looks back at jimin now. and this time, there's no hurt. maybe a little bit of love. but there is definitely concern.
"... me neither," hoseok breathes out.
and he closes the distance.
the performance blew everyone off of their feet. hoseok could tell with the way all the attention was drawn on her even far after the feast was supposed to be over. he waited, patient against the trunk of a tree with gifts in store, having hid it on his person. he was oblivious to the girl who looked in envy, green-eyed and furious to find jimin leaping with excitement into hoseok's arms.
he was supposed to be hers, never to belong to a wench wanting to be what she could never become.
if only he had noticed before. then none of it would have happened. fate played its fair share of cruel games, and the fact that hoseok and jimin were among the best dancers in the joseon dynasty gave them no exception to fate's whims.
if only hoseok had noticed the false connotations hidden within the sweet tone on the girl's tongue. if only he had heard the hidden message that hoseok was supposed to be with her slithering into the kind words asking jimin to meet with her privately to give her a few pointers in dance the next evening.
if only he had known.
jimin took a while to return. so hoseok searched around the palace, asking around if anyone had ever seen her, met with the same answer. they didn't know. a terrible feeling settled in his stomach, stirring and churning into something sinister.
and when the full moon collapsed the day into night, the minimal light clashing against his face, he knew that something was wrong.
jimin would never take this long, not when hoseok knew that she had hurriedly spilled to him that she would return as soon as possible. she wouldn't lie to him like that-
a nearby scream had him running.
the sight he was met with was something he hadn't expected. the girl stared back at him in horror, blood drip-dripping off the blade of the dagger in her hands. the weapon slipped from her fingers. all he had seen was a flash of colorful robes behind her, a puddle of blood mixing with the powder so daintily applied on the one he had loved.
he shoved the girl aside regardless of the fact that she was a girl to reveal park jimin lying right there, struggling in her last moments.
the girl ran off right at that minute.
"jimin-ah," he breathed out, eyes wide.
jimin craned her head towards him, a shaky smile falling on her lips, blood spilling from where he had kissed her not even a few hours ago. "h-hoseok-ssi- you finally called me 'jimin-ah'-"
"no no no, that is not important, jimin-ah-" hoseok hurriedly began, rushing to her side and crouching down. "we have to take you to a doctor-"
there was no chance of survival but hoseok lugged her onto his back, ignoring the fact that his robes were being stained with crimson. no one was present at this time. he wasn't even sure that the village doctor was present. jimin fell silent for a few moments and for a second, hoseok thought she had passed already, holding his breath.
"i am sorry i cannot spend any more time with you, hoseok," jimin whispered, and she might have been crying. hoseok might have been crying.
"jimin-ah, please do not apologize- you are scaring me-"
"i am sorry." a choked sob escaped her lips, and hoseok had never been any more afraid in his first life. "i hope we meet again."
crimson made its trail from the palace to the doctor's home. she didn't make it by the time he stopped before the doctor blew out his candles. he swore that his heart might have stopped too.
jung hoseok had lived ninety-nine lives after that one, always remembering the previous lives before the present, searching for the one he had loved in each and every one of them. and he thought park jimin would have never lived more lives than the first.
hoseok wonders if being with jimin might curse him. he had never been into superstitions, but the full moon the night jimin had died is still vivid in his mind up to this day. it could mean something. or maybe all that 'symbolism' stuff is just wishy-washy stuff that his literature teachers spewed at him.
still, him remembering all the lives he had lived has to mean something. him meeting jimin all over again has to mean something.
he's hopeful, an entertaining thought for someone with the stage name 'j-hope'. things like this are mere coincidences, but he still couldn't help but laugh when the name was stuck onto him. not just because it sounds so ridiculous, but because it was just pure coincidence.
or it could have been fate.
they keep their relationship behind the curtain still. the other members are oblivious from their hands tangling under the dinner table. nobody blinks an eye at the occasional nights where jimin would claim that hoseok's bed is comfier and slip under the sheets without a second statement.
hoseok is aware of the continuous weary looks of yoongi and namjoon. he can tell that they have an idea that he followed his gut instead of listening to them, but they have no room to protest. not if hoseok wants to bring up the mysterious noises that go on in the bangtan room that doesn't sound like they're working on music.
they have no right to be hypocritical.
still, he can't help the feeling that ebbs away at him that something terrible might happen. the terrifying look on that girl's face that night flashes in his nightmares and leave him awake in the middle of the night, immobilized by his own fear.
jimin always nuzzles his chest and continues snoring away, unfazed by the jolt that leaves hoseok awake for the rest of the night.
he figures jimin would be safe, with them being would-be idols, but he sees the comments netizens leave behind about him. some mean well, most malicious. some tinker away at his weight, his dancing style, his overall appearance. he knows jimin sees them, as often as he'd advise the younger not to ever read youtube comments, but the pained look on his face is still there.
or hoseok would read up about legendary stories about sasaengs, how often they can sneak into an idol dorm and take pictures of the members sleeping, steal their things, and paw through the trash like desperate animals for something that was used by their beloved oppas. a used tissue. a candy wrapper.
he feared the day they might get anti-fans, or maybe it's already happened even though they haven't even made their debut yet. he shivers at the story of an anti slipping super glue into tvxq's yunho and he figures it's time to close his laptop for the night.
he worries over the possibility of jimin having to face all that. idol life definitely has its pros and cons. but reading all this- practically flashing red warnings to idols-to-be- makes hoseok wonder if it's all worth it.
he glances from his laptop screen to find jimin working at his skills, music echoing along the walls of the practice room despite the fact that it's currently 13:00.
he slips the computer into his bag and goes to clap a hand on jimin's shoulder, a silent way to tell him it's time to close the night.
jimin just smiles and fills the gaps of hoseok's fingers with his own, nodding.
when hoseok woke up, he was living a new life different from the first one he remembered, still without the one he loved. bleary-eyed and blocking the sun with his fingers, he wondered if there really was such thing as a god.
hoseok stops worrying the moment they make their debut.
he finds solace in distractions like laughing at how ridiculous namjoon's hair looks with yoongi and dodging the notebook being thrown their way, helping seokjin out with the choreography he worked so hard to master, kissing the life out of jimin when no one is home.
they don't have to worry too much about sasaengs when they're so early into their idol careers. it just isn't necessary to linger on something that won't potentially come for a while.
when 2 cool 4 school sells 30,000 copies, they drink the night away and work it off in the gym when their hangovers disappear.
after months of being an idol, he forgets about what can happen to jimin, and bangtan and dancing become the only things allowed in his mind.
but he does finally tell jimin one day, and the younger male just stares in disbelief.
"i was a girl?" jimin asks, and hoseok almost wants to laugh that that's his first question.
"yeah," he breathes out. "you ... are you actually believing this?"
"i mean, i don't think this is a joke or anything if you told me this drunk," jimin replies, leaning against him and sighing at hoseok's immediate response to wrap his arm around him, relishing in the warmth emitting from the older boy.
"i'm not joking," hoseok admits. "i can't really explain it myself but i know that's the case-
and i feel like some sort of divine force is finally giving me a second chance with you."
"well, thank you unknown divine force." jimin laughs before continuing, "did i look good in a dress?"
"oh my god."
"no, i'm serious. i need to keep this in mind in case i get the opportunity to wear a dress like the others."
"oh my god."
jimin kisses away hoseok’s rising concerns that night, and it sates him enough to believe that everything will be alright.
there are times when that same worry begins to bubble up in his throat, times where a fan would neglect to high-five jimin in a high-five session, dissipated when another forgets to high-five hoseok before the session ends. or the group would find fans waiting outside their dorm complex whom they have to shoo off before anything else drastic happens.
jimin would always sneak in a kiss on those days.
but they're safe, alive even though fans flock them from left and right at airports and scream their names in the audience. hoseok doesn't receive those suspicious looks from namjoon and yoongi anymore, all three of them immersed in music to question about each other's personal lives.
hoseok does notice yoongi being discreet and reaching out to play with namjoon's fingers as if it's an absent-minded gesture. but the older male just continues to stare at the monitor, experimenting different sounds and rhythms. namjoon stares down at his notebook, glasses perched and barely hanging from the bridge of his nose, a barely there smile ghosting on his lips.
hoseok can't help but smile behind his notebook, taking in the sight.
jimin is practically an angel and hoseok knows it, knowing this jimin longer than he had known the first and being grateful for it. he knows that the emptiness isn’t there, but he pretends that he’s smiling. he shouldn’t worry the fans after all. he shouldn’t worry jimin. and he thinks to himself that everything really is alright, when he stares at the empty gaps between his fingers with an empty mind until jimin reaches out to fill them with that same look of love.
they’ll be okay.
( "even though i've seen jimin hurt, i've never seen j-hope feeling hurt or angry before," namjoon would later remark in an interview.
"it's all accumulated in my heart," hoseok would throw back, smiling all solemn. because it really has. jimin would look on, concerned because he knows. )