A few things...
I bought tickets to Tool, Taryn and I are going - we are going to the one in Idaho - and we're gonna stay over. Should be cool.
I miss Kym, so fuckin' much. I miss our deep soulful insights on life, alot. I just want to sit and shoot the shit until we've cried, laughed, talked about every living aspect of life and smoked 20 cigarettes each. I want to tell her - that I loved her since I met her. And getting to know her history, and knowing and feeling all her rough spots have smoothed mine out.
I'm so alone right now. Nothing fixes it, either. But my own self - and my inner energy towards my life and the personal satisfaction within my own limits. And Christmas is coming. My brother will have a baby before Thanksgiving, and my other brother has little ones that are going to be FUN on Christmas morning. And - I'm the oldest of us, and I don't have that, I'm not even involved. I don't even have anyone to buy for this year. We aren't drawing names. There are pros and cons to this for sure. But deep down in my soul, I am flying these holidays solo.
Im too large, and I have big tits, and they hurt me. Why don't I lose weight? What is wrong with me? Seriously...
And clothes suck.
So, at the building I work at, there are classes that are held... it's a trade school, shared with us. So the classrooms are full of guys a few nights a week. The class rooms are right across the hall. And I seriously thought for about 3 whole seconds, I wonder if any of those guys think I'm good. I wondered if any of those guys, think, "I want to get to know her."
Then I got a better look at them, and they were all younger guys, and I was ashamed, and kind of embarrassed that I thought -even for a second- that I might have been desirable in any way to any of them. I'm not. I don't even wear makeup to work. I'm huge to the average white guy. There is no hope.
And I think I'm the only Mormon in the whole fucking state that memorizes Tool lyrics while I'm at work. What am I going to do? Get thin, and pretend I think Tool is offending? Fuck that. I'm not yet, willing to sell my soul for some assclown to think I'm worthy.
Never fuck around with other people's love life's. I have these decades of solitude coming to me. I was young and dumb, and went against all that I knew... even from the very start.
I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful
It's calling me...
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me
Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna be down here feeding my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.
So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason ...
before we pine away.
I miss Kym, so fuckin' much. I miss our deep soulful insights on life, alot. I just want to sit and shoot the shit until we've cried, laughed, talked about every living aspect of life and smoked 20 cigarettes each. I want to tell her - that I loved her since I met her. And getting to know her history, and knowing and feeling all her rough spots have smoothed mine out.
I'm so alone right now. Nothing fixes it, either. But my own self - and my inner energy towards my life and the personal satisfaction within my own limits. And Christmas is coming. My brother will have a baby before Thanksgiving, and my other brother has little ones that are going to be FUN on Christmas morning. And - I'm the oldest of us, and I don't have that, I'm not even involved. I don't even have anyone to buy for this year. We aren't drawing names. There are pros and cons to this for sure. But deep down in my soul, I am flying these holidays solo.
Im too large, and I have big tits, and they hurt me. Why don't I lose weight? What is wrong with me? Seriously...
And clothes suck.
So, at the building I work at, there are classes that are held... it's a trade school, shared with us. So the classrooms are full of guys a few nights a week. The class rooms are right across the hall. And I seriously thought for about 3 whole seconds, I wonder if any of those guys think I'm good. I wondered if any of those guys, think, "I want to get to know her."
Then I got a better look at them, and they were all younger guys, and I was ashamed, and kind of embarrassed that I thought -even for a second- that I might have been desirable in any way to any of them. I'm not. I don't even wear makeup to work. I'm huge to the average white guy. There is no hope.
And I think I'm the only Mormon in the whole fucking state that memorizes Tool lyrics while I'm at work. What am I going to do? Get thin, and pretend I think Tool is offending? Fuck that. I'm not yet, willing to sell my soul for some assclown to think I'm worthy.
Never fuck around with other people's love life's. I have these decades of solitude coming to me. I was young and dumb, and went against all that I knew... even from the very start.
I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self-indulgent pitiful hole,
Defeated, I concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness
How pitiful
It's calling me...
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping
The moon tells me a secret - my confidant
As full and bright as I am
This light is not my own and
A million light reflections pass over me
Its source is bright and endless
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her, we are lifeless satellites drifting
And as I pull my head out I am without one doubt
Don't wanna be down here feeding my narcissism.
I must crucify the ego before it's far too late
I pray the light lifts me out
Before I pine away.
So crucify the ego, before it's far too late
To leave behind this place so negative and blind and cynical,
And you will come to find that we are all one mind
Capable of all that's imagined and all conceivable.
Just let the light touch you
And let the words spill through
And let them pass right through
Bringing out our hope and reason ...
before we pine away.