9 days...

[jwill0417]

I've become lost in the abyss that is only two days of my life. A few short hours and its over, yet, I seem to have crumbled. I stare and don't here the words projected at me. When my attention is grabbed it is blank and absent, and I truthfully don;t know what I'm thinking at any given moment. I don't know what scares me more, the fact that I have to talk about it or the the fact I have to see him. There both horrifying. I feel like all I did all weekend is fight with Jesse, none of which was his fault. Just me not really knowing how to express or place my fear. We got back to my house after being at my cousins and I completely crumbled. Then again sunday. I tried to leave but of course he had to come running outo f the house blocking me from leaving. In the years that have followed my speaking out about what happened. I am still unable to cope with what happened. I sometimes am unable to tell who is friend and who is foe. I get that arms length pushing away feeling, it feels like it happens even when I don't want it to. I'm trying to go through the daily motions of class work and life, but its proving to be a struggle. The only reason I think I got up today was becuase i was at Jesses and I know he wasn't going to just leave me there. Sometimes thats theone thing that sucks about having people that love you around. They can tell when you need someone and are to stubborn to tell them. I'm scared to death but im not sure of what. Yes him in a way but not entirely. I don;t know, I haven't slept well in two weeks and its wearing on me.
I guess a good thing is school is going very well, and Jesse is wonderful. Couldn't have asked for a better person to help me through. Anyway, i gots stuff to do, so later