2005 - Holiday Redux
At this time last year, I was typing out resolutions. This year, I was working over the New Year... and traveling lots before that. So, even though I'm a few days late, I thought I'd better post some Year in Review thoughts.
Even though this year (like any) has had its ups and downs, it's really been a good year. Of course, there have been some losses... family members, friends... but this has been a year of rebirth, too. The history books probably won't make note of this, but alongside the passing of my grandma, this will, to me, forever be the year "I got over". I can think on the past without regret, without pity, and without reliving the loss all over again. I can listen to the Eels without feeling bad. I can hang out with friends, visit family, and be myself, without having to pretend I'm ok. I *am* ok.
The last week of 2005 brought about a lot of change. I went to Texas for the first time in maybe 20 years. Much of it is as I remember -- confusing streets, tennis balls hung up in garages, islands in kitchens, undefined shapes of swimming pools, and of course, all of those stuffed penguins. There were some new things, too. The family in Texas has 5 new members since the last time I visited... 3 of them since they came to visit us. One of the newer additions, a 14 year old named Michael, would have been the death of me a year ago. He's so much like me, and so much like so many others that have been lost over time... I'd have been miserable in his presence. For the first time since New York, though, I was able to just "be", even with him. And as a result, I have a much larger family than I did even two weeks ago -- and so much more to care about, and... just *have* in my life. It's really something.
I haven't felt anything but good since I came back from Texas. I feel like the light's on now, like there's something worth going to bed and waking up tomorrow for. And it's nothing external. It's not about Michael, or anyone else. It's about my realizing that life is going exactly as it's supposed to. I find myself smiling. In public, even. Scary.
So, here's to 2005. Long live 2006.
All my best to you all.
J
Even though this year (like any) has had its ups and downs, it's really been a good year. Of course, there have been some losses... family members, friends... but this has been a year of rebirth, too. The history books probably won't make note of this, but alongside the passing of my grandma, this will, to me, forever be the year "I got over". I can think on the past without regret, without pity, and without reliving the loss all over again. I can listen to the Eels without feeling bad. I can hang out with friends, visit family, and be myself, without having to pretend I'm ok. I *am* ok.
The last week of 2005 brought about a lot of change. I went to Texas for the first time in maybe 20 years. Much of it is as I remember -- confusing streets, tennis balls hung up in garages, islands in kitchens, undefined shapes of swimming pools, and of course, all of those stuffed penguins. There were some new things, too. The family in Texas has 5 new members since the last time I visited... 3 of them since they came to visit us. One of the newer additions, a 14 year old named Michael, would have been the death of me a year ago. He's so much like me, and so much like so many others that have been lost over time... I'd have been miserable in his presence. For the first time since New York, though, I was able to just "be", even with him. And as a result, I have a much larger family than I did even two weeks ago -- and so much more to care about, and... just *have* in my life. It's really something.
I haven't felt anything but good since I came back from Texas. I feel like the light's on now, like there's something worth going to bed and waking up tomorrow for. And it's nothing external. It's not about Michael, or anyone else. It's about my realizing that life is going exactly as it's supposed to. I find myself smiling. In public, even. Scary.
So, here's to 2005. Long live 2006.
All my best to you all.
J