10 Reasons You Should Never Date Me
I like making lists. If you read my shit, it's obvious. Last night I wrote an anti-personal-ad as a warmup/break exercise entitled, "10 Reasons You Should Never Date Me." I challenged myself to list items that were practical to the subject and ultimately problematic based on previous experience. Afterwards, for giggles, I posted it on Craigslist just to see the reaction. I surprisingly got quite a few responses.
Most of the emails I got were of the, "You sound so pretentious. What an asshole you must be. Call me," variety. The psychological ramifications are fascinating. I doubt I'll ever respond to anyone who contacted me because I'm not really into the whole personals thing, but for your viewing pleasure...
1. I'm too smart for my own good. I can win an argument where I know I'm wrong. I'll use big words around your less-intelligent friends on purpose.
2. Your mother will probably love me. After we break up, she'll refer to me as, "the one who got away" or some such idiom until her dying breath or until you make up a lie to absolve yourself. I recommend, "Oh, yeah, it turns out he's a Nazi and kicked a puppy once." It's a curse.
3. While I look like I'm in good shape, my abdominal region actually feels quite a bit like a garbage bag filled with oatmeal.
4. I smoke. No, I don't plan on quitting. I also don't really drink. So, when you give me your diatribe about how smoking is gross and then try to bum mine because you're drunk, I'll probably roll my eyes.
5. I don't have "a job." I make the brunt of my living as a writer and performer. No, I don't think your job as an account executive at the firm is really interesting. And no, I'd rather not hear about the woman who keeps stealing your Diet Cokes out of the kitchen even though you've clearly labeled them, for the fifteenth time.
6. I'm kind of crazy, but not in a "we the jury find the defendant.." way.
7. I'm really honest and work hard at not lying. I know, this doesn't seem like a problem. However, questions like, "What do you think of this dress?" or "Do you like my poems?" or "Have you ever done blow off a stripper in the back of El Camino?" can lead to an argument of epic proportions.
8. Women tend to hit on me and I don't have the heart to brush them off in a forceful manner. I think that if a person is willing to go out of their way to show you attention, the least you can do is be polite. This has driven almost everyone I've ever dated insane.
9. I'll probably hate the movies you like and will make catty comments during them. You'll laugh at the commentary, which will only make you angrier. Then you'll try to punch me while giggling. This will only give me more ammo. It's a vicious cycle.
10. I'm probably a better cook than you.
Most of the emails I got were of the, "You sound so pretentious. What an asshole you must be. Call me," variety. The psychological ramifications are fascinating. I doubt I'll ever respond to anyone who contacted me because I'm not really into the whole personals thing, but for your viewing pleasure...
1. I'm too smart for my own good. I can win an argument where I know I'm wrong. I'll use big words around your less-intelligent friends on purpose.
2. Your mother will probably love me. After we break up, she'll refer to me as, "the one who got away" or some such idiom until her dying breath or until you make up a lie to absolve yourself. I recommend, "Oh, yeah, it turns out he's a Nazi and kicked a puppy once." It's a curse.
3. While I look like I'm in good shape, my abdominal region actually feels quite a bit like a garbage bag filled with oatmeal.
4. I smoke. No, I don't plan on quitting. I also don't really drink. So, when you give me your diatribe about how smoking is gross and then try to bum mine because you're drunk, I'll probably roll my eyes.
5. I don't have "a job." I make the brunt of my living as a writer and performer. No, I don't think your job as an account executive at the firm is really interesting. And no, I'd rather not hear about the woman who keeps stealing your Diet Cokes out of the kitchen even though you've clearly labeled them, for the fifteenth time.
6. I'm kind of crazy, but not in a "we the jury find the defendant.." way.
7. I'm really honest and work hard at not lying. I know, this doesn't seem like a problem. However, questions like, "What do you think of this dress?" or "Do you like my poems?" or "Have you ever done blow off a stripper in the back of El Camino?" can lead to an argument of epic proportions.
8. Women tend to hit on me and I don't have the heart to brush them off in a forceful manner. I think that if a person is willing to go out of their way to show you attention, the least you can do is be polite. This has driven almost everyone I've ever dated insane.
9. I'll probably hate the movies you like and will make catty comments during them. You'll laugh at the commentary, which will only make you angrier. Then you'll try to punch me while giggling. This will only give me more ammo. It's a vicious cycle.
10. I'm probably a better cook than you.