How could you do this?

[jwansitler]

The question "if you really loved me, how could you have done this," has been in my head lately.  Lindsay asked it, and there are others would ask it if they were speaking to me, and the answer is: "I don't know."  Just sitting here thinking about it, I know that it is not something I would ever just decide to do, I don't believe that I am one of those people.  So, what then?  I guess several factors just add up to equal me not being trustworthy.  I don't know what to do at this point.  I miss my friends so much, I need a new job, I just can't seem to shake the idea that I should just eat a damn bullet and be done with it all.  "I am sorry everyone, I am sorry I was ever born."  *bang*  I figure living with what I've done is pretty good punishment though.  That keeps me going.  And my son.  He sees only someone who feeds him and plays with him, and cleans him up when he poops all the way up his back, somehow.  The love of a child.

How can all that we had be gone just like that? Poof.  I keep holding out hope that I may someday be able to repair some small measure of the damage that I have done.  I wonder if the tears will ever stop.  I wonder a lot of things these days.

Happy freaking birthday, Josh.