(no subject)

[jwah]

Life is so odd. You are born into this world crying, you grow up and experience what pain, death, love, life, and happiness is and then you leave the world. Just when you think you have it figured out you just close your eyes on this earth forever. For many of us, death is just another stage of life...you die and then you open your eyes and you're either in heaven or hell...I believe this entirely, and I believe that God exists. My mind has been sporadic today, it's been an odd day. I went from being the happiest I've ever been in a while to the saddest point I've ever reached. I just think I need to write this all off, to get it off my chest...it just feels so much better when I write or tell anyone...like someone is maybe listening and caring about me...I think I could write forever, but then I'd probably run out of words to say...I've had the highest and lowest extremes ever today...being almost the happiest I've been in forever to being so sad that I couldn't stop crying. Death is so weird...this life is so weird...and I can't get over that fact. I can't get over the fact that something you love so much in this world can be taken from you in an instance...it felt abandoning, but I know it's not. I feel like the deepest part of my heart was just stabbed with a dagger and I can't die, but can only feel the pain. It's odd...once you experience a feeling like this everything else becomes numb...you hear the words, you understand everything, but you just go numb. I mean, you can laugh and smile and feel happy, but your mind just keeps going back to that point, it keeps repeating those words and your brain just has to process the information. So many thoughts race through your head, what if they're joking...why did this happen, this is a lie! it can't be true! I let these thoughts run through my head before I left my house...where I accepted the fact that all this was true. I feel so stupid writing about this, I mean I feel so ashamed. My friends have gone through so much more, and the second death enters through a pet I lose it. I feel selfish and stupid at the fact that I'm typing this up right now. I feel so ashamed that I have to write this, because my friends have been through so much more and ended their experiences with the best attitude. I can't stand myself sometimes, and I don't like this selfish person absorb who I really am. I went through this whole process in a matter of minutes, how ashamed I am because of what happened...how selfish I feel for typing this up...I don't want any sympathy, I don't want any pity party, but it feels like when I type this then people are just going to say, "aww I'm sorry." I don't want to hear sorry, I just want someone to look me in the eyes and talk to me about this. I want to talk, I don't want to just sit there and stare awkwardly at the ground as I tell people about what happened, that's not supposed to happen! I realize I'll laugh again, I realize I'll be happy again and I realize I'll be a stronger person through all this, but then why am I writing this? Why do I feel the need to type this up and explain to the 4 people who read it what I feel like right now...I hate my brain and I hate how it works...I feel all over the place at the moment, I can't even keep a thought in my head for more than a minute. Death is just a part of life...you can't escape death, no one can, it's inevitable...so why do I let it get to me? Why do I sit here and mourn for a dead pet when I should be letting it go and realizing it was just an accident and realizing that's life...I JUST NEED TO GET OVER THIS. I don't want to sit here and cry and weep because I lost a pet. I loved my cat, I really did, but crying and mourning won't bring her back. She's gone, it was her time, she needed to go, it's better now...Sure I feel a little emptpy, a little alone, but it's time to turn outward and upward for my help. I can't stop looking out for myself and I can't do anything alone anymore. It's time I just trust in God and let him do his work through me...Death will come and go, but as long as I'm with Him, I can do anything...

that's all I can think of right now...I seriously don't have any more thought capacity nor words to explain anything else...what's done is done and I can't feel sad or happy...it's over.