A friend is there for you when they'd rather be anywhere else...
I got back from spring break last night and got scared because my roommate was asleep in the living room in the dark, and when you think you're walking into an empty apartment, you're not expecting to hear anyone go, "Hey, Janie". So I jumped like a weenie.
Anyway, I ended up sitting down to talk to her and see how her spring break was, and while we talked, I realized I really missed her. She really has become one of my very best friends. She gets how when I'm sad, I'm not not telling her about it because I want to be mean or because I don't trust her. She gets that it's just hard for me, and if I want to, I know I can with her, and if I don't want to, then she'll just make me laugh and suggest we watch a Sex and the City episode. I don't completely trust a lot of people, and I don't cry in front of a lot of people. But I have cried in front of her, and I do completely trust her. I can't even say what it means to be able to depend that much on her, though, because I don't ever, ever do that, and I had my doubts at the beginning of the year when I found out she'd said some things about me behind my back. I seriously couldn't understand it, and when I confronted her on it, I remember trying not to cry, because if there was anyone who didn't have a reason to talk badly about me, it was her. She never point blank admitted to it, and talked her way around it, but I know she did. Robyn wouldn't lie to me about something like that, and then say it was okay to tell Kacey what she'd said. That's like, shooting yourself in the foot. It wasn't anything huge. She'd just said that she was basically not excited about moving in with me anymore because the third girl who was supposed to move in backed out because of some stuff between her and Kacey, along with wanting to move in with a girl she worked with, and because she said she felt like she didn't really know me, she was just "eh" about it. And I couldn't understand why she was already talking smack about us moving in together, when we still didn't even know our apartment number at the time. I can give her the one where she said she didn't really know ME, but that didn't mean we didn't still laugh and have fun, and that I wasn't ever always there for her when she needed me. But I told her I knew what she'd said, because I refused to come home, only to want to be anywhere else. My apartment was not going to be a place I didn't want to come home to, so if there was anything either of us had to say to the other, fine if we needed to vent about it to our other friends - cause everyone has to do that - but know that we were both grown up enough to be able to call each other out on whatever was bugging us.
I don't think anyone really knows all of me. I don't know how to give all of myself out there like that. It's just...too scary. I think that's why I love writing so much. Every one of my stories has me somewhere, and it's the only place where I don't have to hold back or force limitations to just how much of me gets "shown", because it's being displayed through characters, so no one's really thinking about me when they read the stuff. They're thinking about the story. Anyways, I'm majorly tripping off topic here. The point is, I got past all that deceptive backtalking with her, and I rarely ever do. I tend to just shut down and, where I can be perfectly cordial to a person if we're hanging out with a mutual friend, I don't let them wander into that part of what used to be our friendship anymore. If I have proof that they could hurt me, I don't tread back there anymore. Maybe it makes me a wimp to not suck it up, give another chance, and try. Nope, because I'm me, I shut down, close them out, and move on. There are seriously people I've gotten so hurt by or angry with that, once I called and had my words with them, deleted their phone numbers and never, ever talked to them again. And I probably would not have gone to that extreme with Kacey, but I could see me immediately retracting whatever little trust she'd culminated by then, and being somewhat withdrawn from the friendship. Except we live together, and I'm glad that was the circumstance that kept her there, because I don't know what I would have done without her these past couple of months. If she hadn't been there, I would have been alone.
I didn't reach out to my friends every time I've cried. I didn't call them every time I felt sad. I haven't even been on AIM, because I don't want them to find me when I purposely won't answer the phone. I know I must sound like a depressed, crazy girl, but...I don't know. Maybe I am sometimes. My grandma's been really sick lately. She's been in and out of the hospital, and I don't know how to deal with it, because in my head, I know she isn't going to get better, but I still can't say it out loud. That's the most brave I let myself get when I talk about my grandma. I don't admit, not in my journal, not in conversation, what I know is going to eventually happen. And it kills me. It just...cuts at me. So I've kind of shut out my friends in the last two months, because I want to deal with this on my own.
I haven't gone out with them. Every time they call to get me to go out, I either don't answer or make up a lame excuse. The entire time I was home for spring break, I didn't go out once. Sometimes I'm really good at sectioning off my thoughts so I'm normal and able to laugh and not be a wreck, but then there are moments where I can't. My friends haven't not been there for me because they haven't tried to. They haven't been able to be there for me because I won't let them be. But in living with Kacey, she sees everything I'm purposely keeping closed off from everyone. She sees me when I'm fine, she sees when I'm not fine, and she never forces herself down on me. She always initiates the non-verbal, "If you want to talk to me, I'm just in the next room" with a simple head poke in my room accompanied with the genuine, "Are you okay?" And it's not like I'm giving Kacey special treatment over everyone else or anything. Not that seeing me depressed is "special treatment" by any means, but she's the one who gets me the most because she's the one I come home to, you know? And because she's the one I come home to is probably the reason our friendship is at the level it is now, because had it been up to me, I probably would have been so closed off from her back in August, that she would have given up on me, and I wouldn't have done anything to give her a reason to do anything else.
She just got home and brought me an Icee from Sam's Club. See, if it wasn't the friendship that made me love her, the Icee would have definitely done it.
So I'm an easy sell. We're talking about an Icee here!
I don't even want to know what I would have done had she offered to bring me nachos...
Anyway, I ended up sitting down to talk to her and see how her spring break was, and while we talked, I realized I really missed her. She really has become one of my very best friends. She gets how when I'm sad, I'm not not telling her about it because I want to be mean or because I don't trust her. She gets that it's just hard for me, and if I want to, I know I can with her, and if I don't want to, then she'll just make me laugh and suggest we watch a Sex and the City episode. I don't completely trust a lot of people, and I don't cry in front of a lot of people. But I have cried in front of her, and I do completely trust her. I can't even say what it means to be able to depend that much on her, though, because I don't ever, ever do that, and I had my doubts at the beginning of the year when I found out she'd said some things about me behind my back. I seriously couldn't understand it, and when I confronted her on it, I remember trying not to cry, because if there was anyone who didn't have a reason to talk badly about me, it was her. She never point blank admitted to it, and talked her way around it, but I know she did. Robyn wouldn't lie to me about something like that, and then say it was okay to tell Kacey what she'd said. That's like, shooting yourself in the foot. It wasn't anything huge. She'd just said that she was basically not excited about moving in with me anymore because the third girl who was supposed to move in backed out because of some stuff between her and Kacey, along with wanting to move in with a girl she worked with, and because she said she felt like she didn't really know me, she was just "eh" about it. And I couldn't understand why she was already talking smack about us moving in together, when we still didn't even know our apartment number at the time. I can give her the one where she said she didn't really know ME, but that didn't mean we didn't still laugh and have fun, and that I wasn't ever always there for her when she needed me. But I told her I knew what she'd said, because I refused to come home, only to want to be anywhere else. My apartment was not going to be a place I didn't want to come home to, so if there was anything either of us had to say to the other, fine if we needed to vent about it to our other friends - cause everyone has to do that - but know that we were both grown up enough to be able to call each other out on whatever was bugging us.
I don't think anyone really knows all of me. I don't know how to give all of myself out there like that. It's just...too scary. I think that's why I love writing so much. Every one of my stories has me somewhere, and it's the only place where I don't have to hold back or force limitations to just how much of me gets "shown", because it's being displayed through characters, so no one's really thinking about me when they read the stuff. They're thinking about the story. Anyways, I'm majorly tripping off topic here. The point is, I got past all that deceptive backtalking with her, and I rarely ever do. I tend to just shut down and, where I can be perfectly cordial to a person if we're hanging out with a mutual friend, I don't let them wander into that part of what used to be our friendship anymore. If I have proof that they could hurt me, I don't tread back there anymore. Maybe it makes me a wimp to not suck it up, give another chance, and try. Nope, because I'm me, I shut down, close them out, and move on. There are seriously people I've gotten so hurt by or angry with that, once I called and had my words with them, deleted their phone numbers and never, ever talked to them again. And I probably would not have gone to that extreme with Kacey, but I could see me immediately retracting whatever little trust she'd culminated by then, and being somewhat withdrawn from the friendship. Except we live together, and I'm glad that was the circumstance that kept her there, because I don't know what I would have done without her these past couple of months. If she hadn't been there, I would have been alone.
I didn't reach out to my friends every time I've cried. I didn't call them every time I felt sad. I haven't even been on AIM, because I don't want them to find me when I purposely won't answer the phone. I know I must sound like a depressed, crazy girl, but...I don't know. Maybe I am sometimes. My grandma's been really sick lately. She's been in and out of the hospital, and I don't know how to deal with it, because in my head, I know she isn't going to get better, but I still can't say it out loud. That's the most brave I let myself get when I talk about my grandma. I don't admit, not in my journal, not in conversation, what I know is going to eventually happen. And it kills me. It just...cuts at me. So I've kind of shut out my friends in the last two months, because I want to deal with this on my own.
I haven't gone out with them. Every time they call to get me to go out, I either don't answer or make up a lame excuse. The entire time I was home for spring break, I didn't go out once. Sometimes I'm really good at sectioning off my thoughts so I'm normal and able to laugh and not be a wreck, but then there are moments where I can't. My friends haven't not been there for me because they haven't tried to. They haven't been able to be there for me because I won't let them be. But in living with Kacey, she sees everything I'm purposely keeping closed off from everyone. She sees me when I'm fine, she sees when I'm not fine, and she never forces herself down on me. She always initiates the non-verbal, "If you want to talk to me, I'm just in the next room" with a simple head poke in my room accompanied with the genuine, "Are you okay?" And it's not like I'm giving Kacey special treatment over everyone else or anything. Not that seeing me depressed is "special treatment" by any means, but she's the one who gets me the most because she's the one I come home to, you know? And because she's the one I come home to is probably the reason our friendship is at the level it is now, because had it been up to me, I probably would have been so closed off from her back in August, that she would have given up on me, and I wouldn't have done anything to give her a reason to do anything else.
She just got home and brought me an Icee from Sam's Club. See, if it wasn't the friendship that made me love her, the Icee would have definitely done it.
So I'm an easy sell. We're talking about an Icee here!
I don't even want to know what I would have done had she offered to bring me nachos...