I hate getting older

[jvrtkr1920]

My grandma has always taken care of me. She and my aunt both have. My mother has always been around, but never really been there as an authoritive figure. She was babied as much as I was. She never had to take responsibility for me because as I've learned with my family, they're not very good at letting the children grow up. And forget about my father. He's always been in a different state, in a state line and state of mind kind of way. When I went away to school, I didn't even know how to do my own laundry. My roommate had to show me. So it's kinda hard now to come home and see these 2 women, who have been built to be practically invincable in my mind, get old. I hate it. I hate seeing my aunt have trouble getting up from a chair because her age is catching up to her. I hate the slight case of althzeimer's my grandma has. She hasn't been convinced that we're in our home since 2 nights ago. I'll come home from visiting my mom at the hospital, to have my grandma go, "Is your car outside? Are you taking me home now?" And I tell her that we are home, and she says no, this isn't her house. And she asks me who's house it is, and if she can meet the lady of the house. And I tell her, "Grandma, you're the lady of the house." I get pictures of us, and my baby cousins, and my nephews to show her, to explain to her that if it wasn't her house, why were all these pictures that have been given to her here? Of everything it seems my grandmother has forgotten, she never forgets to tell me when I leave the house to please remember how I'm leaving so I'll know how to get back to the house. The house I grew up in, that I could probably drive to blindfolded. But of course she tells me this cause she's not convinced that we're in that house. She thinks we're in some new home that I might not know how to get back to very well.

I only came home for the weekend, but I'm torn between wanting to go back to school so badly so I can not face all of this everyday and be selfish and hope that if it's not in sight, it won't be in my mind so much, yet wanting to stay because I can't stand my aunt being sick without help, can't stand to leave my grandma while she still remembers me, and can't stand to leave my mom in the hospital while she deals with another flare up from her Lupus.

I want to be 14 years old again.