I BRING THE FIRE.
Played guitar heroes today at KXY's with PPZY and had fun, although my eyes are tired from playing and my fingers are cramping. Still, it was fun, and liberating, and I was glad I had a blast. So I went on blogskins.com to look for a rocker layout, and was attempting to change my blogspot skin before giving up and deciding to stick to livejournal. Don't really like the layout here, but I don't know if I can tamper with the html, but shucks, doesn't matter. Seems like nobody really reads this crap anyway.
Started the day feeling like shit, but I really don't wanna talk about it anymore. Met Jieli and it was the start of a better day, I guess it was the company I suppose. But on the train over to cityhall, I was flippin' out. Like, I was really on the verge of crying, and even if I was listening to my nigga' music, they didn't seem to get things off my mind/chest. Ended up spamming shan with messages, and I'm really sorry about that dear.
Had rubbish at carl's junior subsequently, and coffee at TCC, which left me really high and bouncy, and therefore cheery, but I really needed that extra high to bring my mood to say, neutral. Then it was KXY's house. Was really apprehensive initially, because I was afraid of strangers since it's like a family gathering, but fortunately her nephews were cute and nice, and talked to me. HAHA, then PPZY came and it was when the fun began. HAHA, really miss this type of fun and stuff, hardly feel so light-hearted around people nowadays.
I promised shan I won't TTM, but I'm not TTM-ing now, just reflecting. I guess friendships take more than just chemistry. Somehow, it's about how comfortable you are with the person around you, how they see you, and how they make you feel. I wonder what people see me as, what they think of when they look at me. Do they see someone happy? Or someone frail? Do they see someone ugly? Or someone cute? What do they see?
After recent events with some people, the meaning and worth of friendships have changed (drastically). To some extent, I treasure some people more, but on the other hand, I'm re-weighing certain friendships with particular people. I wonder what went wrong actually, even if there isn't anything wrong, because I'm always plagued with issues, and I guess I'm pretty paranoid.
Quoting from JK: I'm a confused teen. (Let me enjoy the teen word for another few months alright)
When I look at my future now, I see nothing. Based on my grades and my performance, I don't think I can achieve my Cum Laude, which is really sad. The first time I saw an A+ was on Ken's Vista. Which is sad, because he said it was his worse mod. And he got A+. I mean it's Ken. But still, made me reflect on myself. Why, did I screw up so badly. Why have I not even gotten an A. The nearest I've gotten is an A-, which is really far from satisfactory. I wonder, am I really incompetent? And I guess, looking at my grades, it's a resounding YES.
I feel like running away sometimes, away from the crowd, from the people. All I wanna do is to lie on my back and watch the clouds go by, run in the fields and smell the scent of the sun, roll around in the sand and get a tan, hide under the covers and read a novel, or just walk aimlessly.
I have been running away, these past few weeks, from what or who, I don't really know. But I know that ultimately it is me that I cannot face, it is me that I cannot admit defeat to. I am a Loser, but I refuse to admit it. I am incapable and stupid, but I refuse to acknowledge that. Yet I think somehow, I know all these in my subconsciousness, and that's why, that's why I have never been able to snap out of this whole depression shit. This reminds me of the old days when I stupidly slit my wrists, which is really funny and silly at the same time. But I have to admit, that when I get so plagued by my own paranoia, this alternative does surface in my mind. Still, I beg for you all to trust that I won't inflict any hurt on myself ever again.
I am happy, I know. There are people who love me for who I am- ugly, stupid and blunt. And I guess they are stupid too, or else they wouldn't pick me to love. I am unworthy, I know, so I should stop crying about what I don't have and be thankful for all that I have, which I shouldn't be even worthy of having. Charity, in some way, I guess. But grateful, nevertheless.
Started the day feeling like shit, but I really don't wanna talk about it anymore. Met Jieli and it was the start of a better day, I guess it was the company I suppose. But on the train over to cityhall, I was flippin' out. Like, I was really on the verge of crying, and even if I was listening to my nigga' music, they didn't seem to get things off my mind/chest. Ended up spamming shan with messages, and I'm really sorry about that dear.
Had rubbish at carl's junior subsequently, and coffee at TCC, which left me really high and bouncy, and therefore cheery, but I really needed that extra high to bring my mood to say, neutral. Then it was KXY's house. Was really apprehensive initially, because I was afraid of strangers since it's like a family gathering, but fortunately her nephews were cute and nice, and talked to me. HAHA, then PPZY came and it was when the fun began. HAHA, really miss this type of fun and stuff, hardly feel so light-hearted around people nowadays.
I promised shan I won't TTM, but I'm not TTM-ing now, just reflecting. I guess friendships take more than just chemistry. Somehow, it's about how comfortable you are with the person around you, how they see you, and how they make you feel. I wonder what people see me as, what they think of when they look at me. Do they see someone happy? Or someone frail? Do they see someone ugly? Or someone cute? What do they see?
After recent events with some people, the meaning and worth of friendships have changed (drastically). To some extent, I treasure some people more, but on the other hand, I'm re-weighing certain friendships with particular people. I wonder what went wrong actually, even if there isn't anything wrong, because I'm always plagued with issues, and I guess I'm pretty paranoid.
Quoting from JK: I'm a confused teen. (Let me enjoy the teen word for another few months alright)
When I look at my future now, I see nothing. Based on my grades and my performance, I don't think I can achieve my Cum Laude, which is really sad. The first time I saw an A+ was on Ken's Vista. Which is sad, because he said it was his worse mod. And he got A+. I mean it's Ken. But still, made me reflect on myself. Why, did I screw up so badly. Why have I not even gotten an A. The nearest I've gotten is an A-, which is really far from satisfactory. I wonder, am I really incompetent? And I guess, looking at my grades, it's a resounding YES.
I feel like running away sometimes, away from the crowd, from the people. All I wanna do is to lie on my back and watch the clouds go by, run in the fields and smell the scent of the sun, roll around in the sand and get a tan, hide under the covers and read a novel, or just walk aimlessly.
I have been running away, these past few weeks, from what or who, I don't really know. But I know that ultimately it is me that I cannot face, it is me that I cannot admit defeat to. I am a Loser, but I refuse to admit it. I am incapable and stupid, but I refuse to acknowledge that. Yet I think somehow, I know all these in my subconsciousness, and that's why, that's why I have never been able to snap out of this whole depression shit. This reminds me of the old days when I stupidly slit my wrists, which is really funny and silly at the same time. But I have to admit, that when I get so plagued by my own paranoia, this alternative does surface in my mind. Still, I beg for you all to trust that I won't inflict any hurt on myself ever again.
I am happy, I know. There are people who love me for who I am- ugly, stupid and blunt. And I guess they are stupid too, or else they wouldn't pick me to love. I am unworthy, I know, so I should stop crying about what I don't have and be thankful for all that I have, which I shouldn't be even worthy of having. Charity, in some way, I guess. But grateful, nevertheless.