(no subject)
I'm never completely happy and I don't know why. I guess one never can be. So I'm finally going to my dream school and living in my dream city yet for some reason... I kind of miss New York.
What? You miss New York? I thought you hated it.
I know I know I know I know... but once you've lived there you can never look at cities in the same way. There's always something to do, people to meet, bands to see, places to dance, friends to hang out with. Sure, I had roaches in my dorm and dirty construction workers hitting on me everytime I stepped outside. And maybe I was depressed all the time and had a bit of an eating disorder and over spending habit. But, I can't help but think... did I make myself that way?
I wanted nothing more than to be in California. It's what I had set my mind on and I wouldn't settle for anything less. Now I'm here. But I've changed a lot since I set that goal for myself. Everything happens for a reason and I know I was supposed to be in New York last year. I have no doubt in my mind. I went through a really hard year. Some may look at it as something I brought upon myself but I know that's not true. It's hard to watch everyone around you go on to their dream colleges. Everyone went in to college SO excited last year. I kind of went in with a positive attitude but at home I was leaving behind a guy I really liked (no one should go in to college in that situation, it is shitty) and a life plan that was going completely opposite and wrong. I was ending up in the capital of the east coast, not the west. no beach. no driving. no people i would like. so i did what anyone in my situation would do: stopped eating and went out every night. that was NOT the best way to begin the year. I fucked everything up with the boy because of my partying habits and that carried on throughout the year, and worst of all I fucked everything up with myself. Mentally, I was so young at the beginning of that year. I had never done the clubbing thing, the hardcore partying thing, the going out at 12 and coming in at 6 and sleeping all day. And I had the ability to do that everyday because I never had class until 4. Then after the first month or two I got over it. I started focusing on work, but not in a good way. I spent about 7 hours a day in the library just to keep myself occupied. Who needs to study to keep themself occupied in New York City?! Well, me apparently. I needed to keep myself occupied and focus on school so I could get to California. That was all I cared about. I made 5 good friends really fast and besides those 5, hardly talked to anyone else. I didn't care. I had those great friends and other friends outside of school so I was set. Second semester I was so happy to almost be done with school. But it was SO stressful because I wasn't hearing back from any of the schools I applied to. I didn't want to even go back that second semester but I sucked it up, told myself I would make the best of it and did what I could. Went to a lot of good shows to pass the time. Came home a lot on weekends. Stopped going out because I felt too self concious. Slept all day. Did some work in between sleeping. Never really slept at night because I slept too much during the day. Cried pretty much every day. Decided to go to Italy. Finally went home for a month. It was boring because I missed always having things to do but I liked seeing my friends.
Okay. Look at my year. A complete blurr. And now here I am: Sitting in my dorm, overlooking all of Los Angeles, I can see the city and the beach. It's another 80 degree day. This is what I wanted. I wanted a clean campus where I can't here taxi cabs honking all night. We have a basketball team and fraternities and sororities and different clubs you can join. We have house parties. We even have... straight boys!
But if I had gone back to New York, I would have comfort in the familiar. I know my way around that big, confusing, dirty city. I know the faces of the homeless people that line Lexington. I would have friends waiting for me and a few aquaintances I could get to know better. I knew what bars and clubs to go to. I'm a stronger person now after being there for a year and spending the summer in Italy and I probably could have made the best of it and owned that city. and now, i have to make the best of this new situation and path that lies ahead.
I can't help but think that I had New York City at my fingertips and I just let that slip away.
This is in no way saying that I hate California because I definately DO NOT in anyway. I am just admitting to not appreciating what I had at the time. I need to appreciate this and not let it go to waste because this is it.
What? You miss New York? I thought you hated it.
I know I know I know I know... but once you've lived there you can never look at cities in the same way. There's always something to do, people to meet, bands to see, places to dance, friends to hang out with. Sure, I had roaches in my dorm and dirty construction workers hitting on me everytime I stepped outside. And maybe I was depressed all the time and had a bit of an eating disorder and over spending habit. But, I can't help but think... did I make myself that way?
I wanted nothing more than to be in California. It's what I had set my mind on and I wouldn't settle for anything less. Now I'm here. But I've changed a lot since I set that goal for myself. Everything happens for a reason and I know I was supposed to be in New York last year. I have no doubt in my mind. I went through a really hard year. Some may look at it as something I brought upon myself but I know that's not true. It's hard to watch everyone around you go on to their dream colleges. Everyone went in to college SO excited last year. I kind of went in with a positive attitude but at home I was leaving behind a guy I really liked (no one should go in to college in that situation, it is shitty) and a life plan that was going completely opposite and wrong. I was ending up in the capital of the east coast, not the west. no beach. no driving. no people i would like. so i did what anyone in my situation would do: stopped eating and went out every night. that was NOT the best way to begin the year. I fucked everything up with the boy because of my partying habits and that carried on throughout the year, and worst of all I fucked everything up with myself. Mentally, I was so young at the beginning of that year. I had never done the clubbing thing, the hardcore partying thing, the going out at 12 and coming in at 6 and sleeping all day. And I had the ability to do that everyday because I never had class until 4. Then after the first month or two I got over it. I started focusing on work, but not in a good way. I spent about 7 hours a day in the library just to keep myself occupied. Who needs to study to keep themself occupied in New York City?! Well, me apparently. I needed to keep myself occupied and focus on school so I could get to California. That was all I cared about. I made 5 good friends really fast and besides those 5, hardly talked to anyone else. I didn't care. I had those great friends and other friends outside of school so I was set. Second semester I was so happy to almost be done with school. But it was SO stressful because I wasn't hearing back from any of the schools I applied to. I didn't want to even go back that second semester but I sucked it up, told myself I would make the best of it and did what I could. Went to a lot of good shows to pass the time. Came home a lot on weekends. Stopped going out because I felt too self concious. Slept all day. Did some work in between sleeping. Never really slept at night because I slept too much during the day. Cried pretty much every day. Decided to go to Italy. Finally went home for a month. It was boring because I missed always having things to do but I liked seeing my friends.
Okay. Look at my year. A complete blurr. And now here I am: Sitting in my dorm, overlooking all of Los Angeles, I can see the city and the beach. It's another 80 degree day. This is what I wanted. I wanted a clean campus where I can't here taxi cabs honking all night. We have a basketball team and fraternities and sororities and different clubs you can join. We have house parties. We even have... straight boys!
But if I had gone back to New York, I would have comfort in the familiar. I know my way around that big, confusing, dirty city. I know the faces of the homeless people that line Lexington. I would have friends waiting for me and a few aquaintances I could get to know better. I knew what bars and clubs to go to. I'm a stronger person now after being there for a year and spending the summer in Italy and I probably could have made the best of it and owned that city. and now, i have to make the best of this new situation and path that lies ahead.
I can't help but think that I had New York City at my fingertips and I just let that slip away.
This is in no way saying that I hate California because I definately DO NOT in anyway. I am just admitting to not appreciating what I had at the time. I need to appreciate this and not let it go to waste because this is it.