Why am I addicted to RENT?
I want what they have. I want what the actors have. They are living my dream, doing what I am too afraid to do, going after what I am too afraid to go after. They not only made it on Broadway but made an unknown show a #1 Broadway show. I want what the characters have. Even though they are dirt poor, most are living with AIDS, they are facing a lot of hardships, they are happy. I'm not there in my life yet. And I'm not sure how to get there.. I live in this realm of constant discontent. I am always waiting. Always being let down. I have moments, minutes or hours even sometimes, of happiness, of fun. I laugh, I smile but mostly I climb in bed and sleep. I cry. I don't really go out much.I don't look forward to going out. Going out seems like a lot of work for nothing. Going out is like cod, I never look forward to it but I usually enjoy it. Part of it might be that I don't have many friends here. I never want to go any where by myself and since I don't have any friends, it doesn't leave me many options. I used to have a lot of riends but since I've gained so much weight I have so little self esteem that don't feel like making friends and I'm always worried about what other people are thinking of me. I don't bother trying to look nice because I don't even if I try. I've asked myself if I'd be happier somewhere else, like at home, but I don't think I would be. I think I'd be more upset with myself because I failed, I gave up. So, I put on a happy face in public. I make casual acquaintances with people, but I never really get too close to anyone. I don't want anyone to know this me. I wish people could know the person I used to be. The skinny, out-going, happy, fun Dani. I don't really know why I feel the way I do. And I don't know how to fix it.