(no subject)
One day, out of nowhere...
What the fuck. It's like some flood gate came crashing open. And of course I am terrified and excited and over-thinking and generally trying to keep a calm outer demeanor while inside I'm having an hysterical emotional meltdown.
And this is especially terrifying because he's not normal. Do I fall for the ones that are "damaged" because I am? I don't get it. I can already see where this is going, can already anticipate that I'm going to get hurt. But apparently I'm open or ready for that because I'm not running away.
I want more. When I am with him it's almost like I'm drunk. I want nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms, kissing his lips - all the time. I CRAVE his time and attention. And inevitably that's going to be my downfall. He won't be the one to hurt me. I will.
See - there I go. Over thinking again. Why do I immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions? Why can't I let things be and just savor the moments and enjoying being in them while they are there? What do I do with this?
What. The hell. Do I do with this?
Scarier still he WANTS to know these things. He wants me to speak them aloud and can tell when I'm holding back - even if it's just the tiniest bit. He can tell when I am thinking things and tries to pry these absolutely disjointed and confusing and irrational thoughts out of my head. Which makes them more solid, more real. My feelings. Which I don't know if I want happening. Reality never liked me much.
But he knows things now. Things not even she knew. Or maybe things ONLY she ever knew. He's not judging me - he's not thinking I'm insane - he says he likes my head and the things that float around in it. Anyone else would have left if I'd shared those things.
I wished for this. I desperately wished for this. Why did I want it? My bubble was so much safer. So much less confusing. This is a million times worse than any confusion I felt about being alone. Being apathetic. Not giving a fuck.
I am falling in love. Quickly. And I'm not sure I want to.
But it can't be stopped. It can never be stopped. No matter what I do, it will come.
What the fuck. It's like some flood gate came crashing open. And of course I am terrified and excited and over-thinking and generally trying to keep a calm outer demeanor while inside I'm having an hysterical emotional meltdown.
And this is especially terrifying because he's not normal. Do I fall for the ones that are "damaged" because I am? I don't get it. I can already see where this is going, can already anticipate that I'm going to get hurt. But apparently I'm open or ready for that because I'm not running away.
I want more. When I am with him it's almost like I'm drunk. I want nothing more than to be wrapped in his arms, kissing his lips - all the time. I CRAVE his time and attention. And inevitably that's going to be my downfall. He won't be the one to hurt me. I will.
See - there I go. Over thinking again. Why do I immediately jump to the worst possible conclusions? Why can't I let things be and just savor the moments and enjoying being in them while they are there? What do I do with this?
What. The hell. Do I do with this?
Scarier still he WANTS to know these things. He wants me to speak them aloud and can tell when I'm holding back - even if it's just the tiniest bit. He can tell when I am thinking things and tries to pry these absolutely disjointed and confusing and irrational thoughts out of my head. Which makes them more solid, more real. My feelings. Which I don't know if I want happening. Reality never liked me much.
But he knows things now. Things not even she knew. Or maybe things ONLY she ever knew. He's not judging me - he's not thinking I'm insane - he says he likes my head and the things that float around in it. Anyone else would have left if I'd shared those things.
I wished for this. I desperately wished for this. Why did I want it? My bubble was so much safer. So much less confusing. This is a million times worse than any confusion I felt about being alone. Being apathetic. Not giving a fuck.
I am falling in love. Quickly. And I'm not sure I want to.
But it can't be stopped. It can never be stopped. No matter what I do, it will come.