Here comes the rain again...
It's been a crazy ride. Firstly, thank you all so much for all your wishes... it really helps to keep my spirits up =) So, first off, Mona lived in this tiny little town called Bradford, Pa. We fly into New York and drive here.
The night before the funeral my brothers and I stayed up late talking about all sorts of things. Such as how hard it is to balance all the feelings we're feeling.Obviously, at the time of the funeral you're obligated to remember and share all of the positive memories, even though we're also feeling so much anger. And sadness of bad memories. So it helped to vent to each other. Frustration because the past few years of her depression have been hell, and we all wanted so badly for there to be an end, we just didn't want it to end this way.
And then I feel a lot of guilt. I saw her the Friday before, and she looked horrible. She asked me if I had ever been that sick, and if I thought she could get better. Of course I told her things of hope, but in my head, I was thinking, "I don't think so." Because recently, I felt at my wit's end, so confused, because electric-shock therapy is supposed to be the last resort... there are i think 20 possible sessions, it normally only takes a few, and Mona had already been through 8 treatments... the next thing we were looking at was going to be a residential treatment.
Phil I think feels badly because he had soooo much anger towards her from our childhood, that it was hard for him to feel for her while she was sick. So he was still really angry with her when she passed, and I think he felt a lot of guilt as a result from that.
Everyone here deals in different ways. A lot of people take xanax, at the funeral we all cried until we couldn't cry any more... and there's a lot of drinking, a LOT of drinking.
The service was sad, the rabbi spoke, and Joe read a eulogy, and it was tough... my dad and dana kept crying on each other. but the cemetary was the worst. we got there, there was snow, and they lowered the coffin into the ground. but then they started shoveling the dirt and rock onto the coffin, and i just fucking lost it. i couldn't breathe, i couldn't stop crying, and i went behind a tree because i thought i was going to throw up. then when i came back, i was still crying, my dad walked over to me, grabbed me, and started sobbing, just weeping in my arms... now, for those of you who don't know my dad... i have never seen him cry before. he is strong, tough, new-yorker man. and i felt so impotent.i still do. i just want to hold him, and kiss him all the time. and i'm not sure how to be around him any more.
last night we came back to the hotel and my brothers and i got drunk at the bar then watched stand-up until we fell asleep. a lot of people went home today. phil, dad and i are coming back monday night... and then there is a memorial in orlando on wednesday @ 2:30... if anyone wants to come, let me know.
anyway, if any of this doesn't make sense, i apologize. i don't even know if i should be sharing this stuff, but i just feel like getting it out of my system, you know? blah. anyway, take care everyone.
<3, allison
The night before the funeral my brothers and I stayed up late talking about all sorts of things. Such as how hard it is to balance all the feelings we're feeling.Obviously, at the time of the funeral you're obligated to remember and share all of the positive memories, even though we're also feeling so much anger. And sadness of bad memories. So it helped to vent to each other. Frustration because the past few years of her depression have been hell, and we all wanted so badly for there to be an end, we just didn't want it to end this way.
And then I feel a lot of guilt. I saw her the Friday before, and she looked horrible. She asked me if I had ever been that sick, and if I thought she could get better. Of course I told her things of hope, but in my head, I was thinking, "I don't think so." Because recently, I felt at my wit's end, so confused, because electric-shock therapy is supposed to be the last resort... there are i think 20 possible sessions, it normally only takes a few, and Mona had already been through 8 treatments... the next thing we were looking at was going to be a residential treatment.
Phil I think feels badly because he had soooo much anger towards her from our childhood, that it was hard for him to feel for her while she was sick. So he was still really angry with her when she passed, and I think he felt a lot of guilt as a result from that.
Everyone here deals in different ways. A lot of people take xanax, at the funeral we all cried until we couldn't cry any more... and there's a lot of drinking, a LOT of drinking.
The service was sad, the rabbi spoke, and Joe read a eulogy, and it was tough... my dad and dana kept crying on each other. but the cemetary was the worst. we got there, there was snow, and they lowered the coffin into the ground. but then they started shoveling the dirt and rock onto the coffin, and i just fucking lost it. i couldn't breathe, i couldn't stop crying, and i went behind a tree because i thought i was going to throw up. then when i came back, i was still crying, my dad walked over to me, grabbed me, and started sobbing, just weeping in my arms... now, for those of you who don't know my dad... i have never seen him cry before. he is strong, tough, new-yorker man. and i felt so impotent.i still do. i just want to hold him, and kiss him all the time. and i'm not sure how to be around him any more.
last night we came back to the hotel and my brothers and i got drunk at the bar then watched stand-up until we fell asleep. a lot of people went home today. phil, dad and i are coming back monday night... and then there is a memorial in orlando on wednesday @ 2:30... if anyone wants to come, let me know.
anyway, if any of this doesn't make sense, i apologize. i don't even know if i should be sharing this stuff, but i just feel like getting it out of my system, you know? blah. anyway, take care everyone.
<3, allison