Another year
I somehow managed to almost forget it - I've always been bad with dates. I should have felt it with all the weird dreams I've been having lately. The one where she kills herself again right before I get home to see her.
Two years ago I got the worst phone call I couldn't have imagined. I used to joke around about how nonchalant I would be if one of my parents died, how I wasn't sure if I'd cry or just keep it in like I'm so good at now. I think I was pleasantly surprised when I heard the sound that came from my throat - some ridiculous sound effect that seemed perfectly at home in the Exorcist as that crazy little girl spins her head around and stabs her cunt with a crucifix.
I still think about it every day: the rough line carved into the railing from the weight of a rope with a body hanging on it; the way the lights must have looked dancing off her clothed or unclothed body; the expression of sudden panic on my dads face when he realizes turning off the air conditioner was no longer a priority. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really emo, I wonder if I'll go the same way. Did I inherit something? Some suicide gene that’s going to fatefully express itself one late evening in an overdose of pills and alcohol?
It could be worse. There are people out there who deal with death every day, who freeze at night and dig through shit to find something to eat. Families with aids that are rotting away from the inside, children who die from malaria because they couldn’t afford some 50 cent mosquito net. It’s all about perspective - but its hard not be a little selfish over the curveballs life can send.
Life is good right now. That’s good enough for me.
Two years ago I got the worst phone call I couldn't have imagined. I used to joke around about how nonchalant I would be if one of my parents died, how I wasn't sure if I'd cry or just keep it in like I'm so good at now. I think I was pleasantly surprised when I heard the sound that came from my throat - some ridiculous sound effect that seemed perfectly at home in the Exorcist as that crazy little girl spins her head around and stabs her cunt with a crucifix.
I still think about it every day: the rough line carved into the railing from the weight of a rope with a body hanging on it; the way the lights must have looked dancing off her clothed or unclothed body; the expression of sudden panic on my dads face when he realizes turning off the air conditioner was no longer a priority. Sometimes, when I'm feeling really emo, I wonder if I'll go the same way. Did I inherit something? Some suicide gene that’s going to fatefully express itself one late evening in an overdose of pills and alcohol?
It could be worse. There are people out there who deal with death every day, who freeze at night and dig through shit to find something to eat. Families with aids that are rotting away from the inside, children who die from malaria because they couldn’t afford some 50 cent mosquito net. It’s all about perspective - but its hard not be a little selfish over the curveballs life can send.
Life is good right now. That’s good enough for me.