Cheating fate
How do you get what you want when the best advice given to you is that you will find it when you stop trying? But then a conscious effort to stop trying is in turn still trying, right?
I want a boyfriend. And I admit, every time I have found one, it was when I wasn't looking. Actually, it was when I didn't want one at all. But now that I not only want one, but am actively seeking one, the pickings are slim. Maybe it's for the best. Before those guys all broke my heart. Well, one broke my heart, and others just broke little pieces. Ok, if you don't know me too well, I know what you're thinking! Teenager? Broken heart? Pfft! Trust me... my story is wild. I tell the short story and people are floored. I always end with, "And one of the many reasons I will need therapy". And then there was last fall. I finally met someone. And then heartbreak. Not his fault, not my fault. Hard to explain, but call it the powers of destiny. So here I am. Despite telling a guy I had a crush on him, and him doing nothing, nothing has happened on the guy front. (This story is more interesting than even he knows, so inquire if you want, but it's long if we haven't talked about my love trials in a bit.)
Here I am, about to turn 20. My concerns are FAR from being lonely forever. I just want something more than I have now. But isn't that what life is? If we stopped searching for more, life wouldn't be worth living. But I don't know how to let destiny take its toll. I work my ass off for what I get, I have never just sat back and said "well, let's just see what happens". Maybe truly convince myself I don't want a boyfriend? But every time I get close to thinking I don't need a boyfriend, I see a couple walking down the street or on the subway holding hands.
Also, you know how in movies, you have mothers harassing their single daughters about getting married and wanting grandchildren? Alright, well, usually they harass their daughters in their 30s. Not my mom. I mean, it's MOSTLY joking, but when we are out together- "you two would make beautiful babies" or "c'mon Jess, go have his babies." When I bring up college, she says that I just have to have the baby, she'll raise it. Ok, so the baby thing is completely a joke. But she is really like those moms on TV trying to find me a guy. She doesn't know any guys, so she can't set me up, but every time I mention an interest, she goes wild. But she has lost faith. Yesterday we were talking and she said "By the time you FINALLY find a guy, you'll be able to take care of your own kids"... haha. My mom is hilarious, but crazy. So, how can I forget about guys with her around too.
I want to throw one more thing out there because Doug and discussed thing a little while ago, and I wanted to know if it made sense to anyone else; also it is relevant. So, I enjoy having crushes, even if they don't go well. Well, I enjoy the "crushing" time. Take this last crush, no names mentioned. I had a class with him once a week, and for a while I saw him around campus ALL the time (we even had a stalker joke). I was so busy that I didn't really think about him when I didn't see him, but he brightened up my day when I saw him. Then when it got to the crush point and I thought about him when I wasn't around him, it was nice, a distraction from all the stress going on. I mean, I was running around like crazy (hoping I'd run into him.. haha.. but not able to, or not even sure how to make sure I would run into him). So in my business, if in the span of a few hours of craziness and stress, I spared a few thoughts about this cute, nice, smart boy, it was nice. Then when I decided to tell him I liked him, it was a week before finals, days before I started Tommy. I was nervous about what would happen, but then I just went for it. I mean, I didn't want him to leave for the summer without me saying anything. So I had the nerves leading up to it, and then the curiosity to see what would happen, which nothing ever did (but it also never got weird, which is great). So the point to my story. I enjoyed the crush, which honestly should not be put in the past tense, but ANYWAYS, crushes are something that in my world of work, work, work, crushes just are what they are. So I use them to smile and relax. They are a way to lose control. I accept that I can not control them. Others want to and see them as torture. Opinions?
PS I'm impressed if you read this.
I want a boyfriend. And I admit, every time I have found one, it was when I wasn't looking. Actually, it was when I didn't want one at all. But now that I not only want one, but am actively seeking one, the pickings are slim. Maybe it's for the best. Before those guys all broke my heart. Well, one broke my heart, and others just broke little pieces. Ok, if you don't know me too well, I know what you're thinking! Teenager? Broken heart? Pfft! Trust me... my story is wild. I tell the short story and people are floored. I always end with, "And one of the many reasons I will need therapy". And then there was last fall. I finally met someone. And then heartbreak. Not his fault, not my fault. Hard to explain, but call it the powers of destiny. So here I am. Despite telling a guy I had a crush on him, and him doing nothing, nothing has happened on the guy front. (This story is more interesting than even he knows, so inquire if you want, but it's long if we haven't talked about my love trials in a bit.)
Here I am, about to turn 20. My concerns are FAR from being lonely forever. I just want something more than I have now. But isn't that what life is? If we stopped searching for more, life wouldn't be worth living. But I don't know how to let destiny take its toll. I work my ass off for what I get, I have never just sat back and said "well, let's just see what happens". Maybe truly convince myself I don't want a boyfriend? But every time I get close to thinking I don't need a boyfriend, I see a couple walking down the street or on the subway holding hands.
Also, you know how in movies, you have mothers harassing their single daughters about getting married and wanting grandchildren? Alright, well, usually they harass their daughters in their 30s. Not my mom. I mean, it's MOSTLY joking, but when we are out together- "you two would make beautiful babies" or "c'mon Jess, go have his babies." When I bring up college, she says that I just have to have the baby, she'll raise it. Ok, so the baby thing is completely a joke. But she is really like those moms on TV trying to find me a guy. She doesn't know any guys, so she can't set me up, but every time I mention an interest, she goes wild. But she has lost faith. Yesterday we were talking and she said "By the time you FINALLY find a guy, you'll be able to take care of your own kids"... haha. My mom is hilarious, but crazy. So, how can I forget about guys with her around too.
I want to throw one more thing out there because Doug and discussed thing a little while ago, and I wanted to know if it made sense to anyone else; also it is relevant. So, I enjoy having crushes, even if they don't go well. Well, I enjoy the "crushing" time. Take this last crush, no names mentioned. I had a class with him once a week, and for a while I saw him around campus ALL the time (we even had a stalker joke). I was so busy that I didn't really think about him when I didn't see him, but he brightened up my day when I saw him. Then when it got to the crush point and I thought about him when I wasn't around him, it was nice, a distraction from all the stress going on. I mean, I was running around like crazy (hoping I'd run into him.. haha.. but not able to, or not even sure how to make sure I would run into him). So in my business, if in the span of a few hours of craziness and stress, I spared a few thoughts about this cute, nice, smart boy, it was nice. Then when I decided to tell him I liked him, it was a week before finals, days before I started Tommy. I was nervous about what would happen, but then I just went for it. I mean, I didn't want him to leave for the summer without me saying anything. So I had the nerves leading up to it, and then the curiosity to see what would happen, which nothing ever did (but it also never got weird, which is great). So the point to my story. I enjoyed the crush, which honestly should not be put in the past tense, but ANYWAYS, crushes are something that in my world of work, work, work, crushes just are what they are. So I use them to smile and relax. They are a way to lose control. I accept that I can not control them. Others want to and see them as torture. Opinions?
PS I'm impressed if you read this.