Vanity
I have been putting more effort into my appearance recently. I feel like it's the one thing I can control. It's true, I am trying to impress a particular person at the same time, but it's also comtrol. I feel like shit, life is out of control, and as Jen puts it, tomorrow is my 'special day' which makes me depressed. The best way I know how to fight these things is distractions. There's music, TV, friends (not in that order), reading, class, but then so many things bring me back to my problems. Class for instance. Today I just want to feel good. I woke up at 7 throwing up. So, I got all dolled up and am ready to be distracted all day, but then I know in class we are watching The Laramie Projects which made me cry me eyes out when I read it. Also, we are getting our papers back. This could be potentially upsetting. Then there is the problem session which should be a good distraction, it always is. But that is my day. And then I am left with being all dressed up and nowhere to go. Here is what I know- I can't believe what has changed in me this past year. I can't believe where I was this time a year ago. I don't want to remember what happened, but it did, and I can never change that. Doing my hair today to distract myself from the pain (both physical and emotional) reminded me of doing my hair less than a year ago for her wake. It was my distraction. I cried then. I cried today. People say it's ok to cry, that it's good to cry. Today didn't feel good. It just hurts.