The paper I wrote tonight.. a memoir
If I was offered the chance to change one thing in my past, there is no question what it would be. I would have never said those things to Stephen.
~The Beginning~
I met Stephen when I was in 7th grade, he was in 9th. We knew each other from drama at the YMCA. He was not anything special, but he liked me and I was not used to older guys showing interest in me. It did not take long for me to dislike him.
~It Starts~
He started to call and leave messages on my answering machine everyday. The messages were of him singing. This is a kid who had one of the worse singing voices in the world. He would sing "I want you back"- that's the only song I actually remember. He sang Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, N*Sync, etc. The reason he could leave messages was because he was in special educations classes in his high school and that meant that he only went to school for half of the day. He called once when my sister was home sick. When she picked up, he hung up and called right back. My sister said "If you call here ever again I will call the cops on you." Stephen did not come back to drama after that.
~3 Years Later~
We got word that Stephen wanted to come back to drama. Most people in drama at this time had never met him. Since drama meant so much to me, I decided that Stephen and I needed to settle our problems. One night I found him and we talked out our issues and actually got to the point of friendship. To be honest, no one was fond of him.
~Again~
Stephen was starting to like me again. He once sent me a letter saying that I was “too pretty to be his friend”. When I said we should not be friends, he responded with “that’s not what I meant.”
He always told me I was his only friend. I wanted to stop being his friend, but how could I? One day, two summers ago, I finally had enough. He was being his usual melodramatic self and I told him to stop. I told him that I was sick of being his friend because I felt guilty. I said that there were reasons that no one liked him.
He said "Fine, then I'll kill myself." We all know someone like this. Someone who is never suicidal but always tries to get attention and guilt out of people by saying he will kill himself. This time, I was not going to take it. Instead, I said "Don't say it if you're not going to do it!" I did not even feel guilty afterwards. The next rehearsal I came in proud that I had finally done it and I was thinking "I bet Stephen won't be here today.”
~The Call~
Rob, our director, got a phone call at the beginning of rehearsal. It's from the hospital. It is Stephen saying that he will not be at rehearsal. He was in the psych ward because he tried to kill himself. When Rob told us this, I just got up and left the room. I ran through the Y until my body completely collapsed. I just sat there in the hallway and could not move. After Rob talked to Stephen's father, it was confirmed that Stephen was in the hospital. That night Stephen's screen name on AIM signed on. It was Stephen's father. We talked for a long time. Stephen apparently told his therapists that it was entirely my fault. Even though everyone was telling me it was not my fault, no one could convince me. Deep down, I blame myself and I think I always will. Words can have a huge effect and I will never stop regretting the things I said to Stephen.
~The Beginning~
I met Stephen when I was in 7th grade, he was in 9th. We knew each other from drama at the YMCA. He was not anything special, but he liked me and I was not used to older guys showing interest in me. It did not take long for me to dislike him.
~It Starts~
He started to call and leave messages on my answering machine everyday. The messages were of him singing. This is a kid who had one of the worse singing voices in the world. He would sing "I want you back"- that's the only song I actually remember. He sang Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears, N*Sync, etc. The reason he could leave messages was because he was in special educations classes in his high school and that meant that he only went to school for half of the day. He called once when my sister was home sick. When she picked up, he hung up and called right back. My sister said "If you call here ever again I will call the cops on you." Stephen did not come back to drama after that.
~3 Years Later~
We got word that Stephen wanted to come back to drama. Most people in drama at this time had never met him. Since drama meant so much to me, I decided that Stephen and I needed to settle our problems. One night I found him and we talked out our issues and actually got to the point of friendship. To be honest, no one was fond of him.
~Again~
Stephen was starting to like me again. He once sent me a letter saying that I was “too pretty to be his friend”. When I said we should not be friends, he responded with “that’s not what I meant.”
He always told me I was his only friend. I wanted to stop being his friend, but how could I? One day, two summers ago, I finally had enough. He was being his usual melodramatic self and I told him to stop. I told him that I was sick of being his friend because I felt guilty. I said that there were reasons that no one liked him.
He said "Fine, then I'll kill myself." We all know someone like this. Someone who is never suicidal but always tries to get attention and guilt out of people by saying he will kill himself. This time, I was not going to take it. Instead, I said "Don't say it if you're not going to do it!" I did not even feel guilty afterwards. The next rehearsal I came in proud that I had finally done it and I was thinking "I bet Stephen won't be here today.”
~The Call~
Rob, our director, got a phone call at the beginning of rehearsal. It's from the hospital. It is Stephen saying that he will not be at rehearsal. He was in the psych ward because he tried to kill himself. When Rob told us this, I just got up and left the room. I ran through the Y until my body completely collapsed. I just sat there in the hallway and could not move. After Rob talked to Stephen's father, it was confirmed that Stephen was in the hospital. That night Stephen's screen name on AIM signed on. It was Stephen's father. We talked for a long time. Stephen apparently told his therapists that it was entirely my fault. Even though everyone was telling me it was not my fault, no one could convince me. Deep down, I blame myself and I think I always will. Words can have a huge effect and I will never stop regretting the things I said to Stephen.