wedding bells
Dear LJ,
It's been a while. Scot is back and things are great. I've reconciled with my friends and am very thankful that they allowed me to do so.
Right now I am back on Long island cause my sister is getting married on saturday. It's so weird, seeing my family that I literally never see. Last time I saw them all was probably xmas last year. I've changed a lot since then.
And tonight, I received a much unexpected phone call from someone who I haven't spoken to in months...almost 5 months actually. Caitlin.
I don't think I let myself realize how much I missed her in my life. She is a great girl, and while she is a little crazy sometimes (and who isn't), I still love her to death. I was pretty sure that after the way we left things (or didn't leave them) we were never going to speak ever again. I was certainly not going to call her because I am a coward with things like that and will usually prefer to burn the bridge and walk away. She never did let me do that tho. Never let me walk away from an argument until it was over, or at least over enough for her. I hesitated tonight when I saw her number show up on my phone, should I answer it? I was outside grabbing a beer at the time so I did. There is so much I want to know. We were so much a part of each others lives for such a long time, it's hard to not know anything current about her. I mentioned that she called to my sisters and mom and my sisters were not happy with me. Not that I thought they would be, but whatever, I can talk to whoever I want to when I want to.
We came clean with each other though, and it felt great.
Why now?...
Also I totally freaked out some family members that don't really know me with my talk of not really liking the way the government doesn't work. And my attack on Social Security really put the aunts, uncles, and grandmas undies in a twist. hehe..
my cousin had a baby girl 6 weeks ago and I got to hold her. I haven't ever held a newborn baby before. It was really incredible. I want to have children so badly now. I want them now. I know I can't afford them now so I have to wait...and right now I don't really have a means to have a child, but i think about it alot. My parents already had my sister when they were my age...of course they were married at 20..freaks.
so many things running through my head tonight, i doubt i will sleep well, if at all. tomorrow is golf and the rehersal dinner...i suck so bad at golf...i don't even really want to go but it is a guys in the family kinda event.
people mock my talk of bisexuality and its lack of existance...but i dont think its possible for a gay man to have the relationship with a woman the way i had with caitlin...i want to read lisas book
i need to sleep
and if i hear one more family member make a comment about "something growing on my face" (referring to my goatee which i really like), im gonna lose it on them. yes i know i look older with it. yes i know ive had one before and you didnt like it then either. its my fucking face and ill grow whatever fucking hair on it i want. i have never in 24 years ever once made you feel that your hair style was ugly and i didnt like it (except for that perm beck had way back when...eeek!) and the only 3 times ive said something about the way you are dressed in a negative manner...fuck that shit, im gonna get a tatoo on my forehead that says "this is my face, so fuck you"
It's been a while. Scot is back and things are great. I've reconciled with my friends and am very thankful that they allowed me to do so.
Right now I am back on Long island cause my sister is getting married on saturday. It's so weird, seeing my family that I literally never see. Last time I saw them all was probably xmas last year. I've changed a lot since then.
And tonight, I received a much unexpected phone call from someone who I haven't spoken to in months...almost 5 months actually. Caitlin.
I don't think I let myself realize how much I missed her in my life. She is a great girl, and while she is a little crazy sometimes (and who isn't), I still love her to death. I was pretty sure that after the way we left things (or didn't leave them) we were never going to speak ever again. I was certainly not going to call her because I am a coward with things like that and will usually prefer to burn the bridge and walk away. She never did let me do that tho. Never let me walk away from an argument until it was over, or at least over enough for her. I hesitated tonight when I saw her number show up on my phone, should I answer it? I was outside grabbing a beer at the time so I did. There is so much I want to know. We were so much a part of each others lives for such a long time, it's hard to not know anything current about her. I mentioned that she called to my sisters and mom and my sisters were not happy with me. Not that I thought they would be, but whatever, I can talk to whoever I want to when I want to.
We came clean with each other though, and it felt great.
Why now?...
Also I totally freaked out some family members that don't really know me with my talk of not really liking the way the government doesn't work. And my attack on Social Security really put the aunts, uncles, and grandmas undies in a twist. hehe..
my cousin had a baby girl 6 weeks ago and I got to hold her. I haven't ever held a newborn baby before. It was really incredible. I want to have children so badly now. I want them now. I know I can't afford them now so I have to wait...and right now I don't really have a means to have a child, but i think about it alot. My parents already had my sister when they were my age...of course they were married at 20..freaks.
so many things running through my head tonight, i doubt i will sleep well, if at all. tomorrow is golf and the rehersal dinner...i suck so bad at golf...i don't even really want to go but it is a guys in the family kinda event.
people mock my talk of bisexuality and its lack of existance...but i dont think its possible for a gay man to have the relationship with a woman the way i had with caitlin...i want to read lisas book
i need to sleep
and if i hear one more family member make a comment about "something growing on my face" (referring to my goatee which i really like), im gonna lose it on them. yes i know i look older with it. yes i know ive had one before and you didnt like it then either. its my fucking face and ill grow whatever fucking hair on it i want. i have never in 24 years ever once made you feel that your hair style was ugly and i didnt like it (except for that perm beck had way back when...eeek!) and the only 3 times ive said something about the way you are dressed in a negative manner...fuck that shit, im gonna get a tatoo on my forehead that says "this is my face, so fuck you"