(no subject)
a note to true love:
I’ve been talking to my dad and he finely said something that made sense to me. He was telling me that sometimes it’s better not to be friends with someone who you’ve had such a strong relationship with. Maybe I’m not ready to be the friend yet, maybe I never will be. It’s not that I care for you less or that I don’t love you the same, but it’s because I DO love and care for you the same. Because I have to watch as something I invested so much time and love and life go away from my life. He thinks that my move to try and better myself away from you was perhaps the best thing I could have done. Like I said before, I need to be whole before we can be whole together, but that’s not here nor there. He asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I told him, ‘at first I wanted to move away, work and get myself situated making some form of living while figuring out who I am‘. I wanted to do this for our relationship. Like a form of “self- college”, perhaps you can relate to that better. When your not paying someone else to educate you, you have to work at it yourself; do things your way and figure your own things out. That’s life.
I just thought you should know that I really don’t want our relationship to go down any more roads that cant be repaired. The truth is, I still want what’s best for our relationship even if you are not wanting to have a future together like we planned. I will always want that plan. And I will always want it with you; that’s just what happens when you find someone who you want to spend the rest of their life with. I can also understand that you may have come up with new plans and better plans. Perhaps I had my shot, and I blew it. But I also I realize that I wont give up or I will just give up my whole life. I would rather live in happiness than die in sadness.
To put things plainly, I’m saying I’m sorry for being confusing. I’m sorry for pushing you away and pulling you back. I’m sorry I said anything hurtful to you. I’m saying that I love you and want us to be together in the future as always is my plan. I’m saying I want me to be better for you in the future we imagined so I‘m going to continue to work hard for that future. If I could have, I would have tried to establish myself in Missouri. The fact is I didn’t want to. I am always afraid of being in Missouri for too long. Maybe you understand this in a way; maybe you cant. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for your last year. I’m also saying that I resent that you have planned a new life for yourself, but it’s not my place to say anything more to you about it.
I really do want you to be happy, but I always imagined that happiness to be with me. Us together. This is what made me upset. I don’t want to watch you walk away. But I still want you to know that I care about you. I still want you to know that I love you. And I still would like to hear from you from time to time, even if I’m not ready to be a friend. I was thinking birthdays and holidays and other special occasions. We are both still young so there is no reason for me to get all pissed off and forget about our investment into each other’s lives. That would be a waste of love and I have trouble accepting that. Be that as it may, lack of communication will not help any relationship. So I find myself at an impasse.
I have done little else other than search my feelings on this matter from the beginning. I feel there is a change from you as I’m sure you have found a change in myself. You seem a lot more independent to me. Or maybe it’s just independent from me. Perhaps because I moved. I really cant say the cause of this; I just don’t know, but I wish I knew why. I can only guess that this is my fault, but I think the only real question here is ‘can it be fixed?’ because If it can, then I would like to know where to start.
I’ve been told that the only way to get over things between us is to find another girl that I like. But I already found one I like, what’s the point? They told me the point is, the girl I like doesn’t like you back. The girl you like is dating the guy she likes. She made her choice or she wouldn’t be dating him, and she’d be dating you. Simple as that. I couldn’t say anything to counter this, but for some reason I have trouble agreeing with it. they also told me that I am not exactly the easiest one to come around to a new idea either. I ask, ‘are they right?’ Or is it that I cant give up on what I care about the most. Is it that I will always care too much. Or I wont give up because I cant.
I’m sorry that it took all that reading to apologize and organize my thoughts for you, but sometimes the hardest things to do are the most rewarding in the end. I think that may be why we work so hard learning to live life before we start living the life. I love you, baby.
Yours
Joe
I’ve been talking to my dad and he finely said something that made sense to me. He was telling me that sometimes it’s better not to be friends with someone who you’ve had such a strong relationship with. Maybe I’m not ready to be the friend yet, maybe I never will be. It’s not that I care for you less or that I don’t love you the same, but it’s because I DO love and care for you the same. Because I have to watch as something I invested so much time and love and life go away from my life. He thinks that my move to try and better myself away from you was perhaps the best thing I could have done. Like I said before, I need to be whole before we can be whole together, but that’s not here nor there. He asked me what I wanted out of our relationship and I told him, ‘at first I wanted to move away, work and get myself situated making some form of living while figuring out who I am‘. I wanted to do this for our relationship. Like a form of “self- college”, perhaps you can relate to that better. When your not paying someone else to educate you, you have to work at it yourself; do things your way and figure your own things out. That’s life.
I just thought you should know that I really don’t want our relationship to go down any more roads that cant be repaired. The truth is, I still want what’s best for our relationship even if you are not wanting to have a future together like we planned. I will always want that plan. And I will always want it with you; that’s just what happens when you find someone who you want to spend the rest of their life with. I can also understand that you may have come up with new plans and better plans. Perhaps I had my shot, and I blew it. But I also I realize that I wont give up or I will just give up my whole life. I would rather live in happiness than die in sadness.
To put things plainly, I’m saying I’m sorry for being confusing. I’m sorry for pushing you away and pulling you back. I’m sorry I said anything hurtful to you. I’m saying that I love you and want us to be together in the future as always is my plan. I’m saying I want me to be better for you in the future we imagined so I‘m going to continue to work hard for that future. If I could have, I would have tried to establish myself in Missouri. The fact is I didn’t want to. I am always afraid of being in Missouri for too long. Maybe you understand this in a way; maybe you cant. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for your last year. I’m also saying that I resent that you have planned a new life for yourself, but it’s not my place to say anything more to you about it.
I really do want you to be happy, but I always imagined that happiness to be with me. Us together. This is what made me upset. I don’t want to watch you walk away. But I still want you to know that I care about you. I still want you to know that I love you. And I still would like to hear from you from time to time, even if I’m not ready to be a friend. I was thinking birthdays and holidays and other special occasions. We are both still young so there is no reason for me to get all pissed off and forget about our investment into each other’s lives. That would be a waste of love and I have trouble accepting that. Be that as it may, lack of communication will not help any relationship. So I find myself at an impasse.
I have done little else other than search my feelings on this matter from the beginning. I feel there is a change from you as I’m sure you have found a change in myself. You seem a lot more independent to me. Or maybe it’s just independent from me. Perhaps because I moved. I really cant say the cause of this; I just don’t know, but I wish I knew why. I can only guess that this is my fault, but I think the only real question here is ‘can it be fixed?’ because If it can, then I would like to know where to start.
I’ve been told that the only way to get over things between us is to find another girl that I like. But I already found one I like, what’s the point? They told me the point is, the girl I like doesn’t like you back. The girl you like is dating the guy she likes. She made her choice or she wouldn’t be dating him, and she’d be dating you. Simple as that. I couldn’t say anything to counter this, but for some reason I have trouble agreeing with it. they also told me that I am not exactly the easiest one to come around to a new idea either. I ask, ‘are they right?’ Or is it that I cant give up on what I care about the most. Is it that I will always care too much. Or I wont give up because I cant.
I’m sorry that it took all that reading to apologize and organize my thoughts for you, but sometimes the hardest things to do are the most rewarding in the end. I think that may be why we work so hard learning to live life before we start living the life. I love you, baby.
Yours
Joe