college
So I'm a pretty collected person most of the time. I'm not a panic-er, and I don't lose my head in stressful situations. I may get irritable during them, but a majority of the time I get the job done. However, there is this strange time right before I go back to school or right before I come home from school where I have this incredible surge of irrational fear. This year I know it stems from the fact that I am very nervous about my senior seminar and all that comes with graduating, but it also has a lot to do with what comes every year. I miss my family when I'm in Indiana, and I miss my friends here and I miss my job and the different things I do in Austin that don't exist in Evansville.
But then tonight I was thinking about it, and I think what I'm really scared of is going back because that means it's going to be closer to me leaving. The rest of this post will be a bit morose, so feel free to skip ahead. But the people I know in college mean the world to me. Amy has become the best friend I could possibly have. Jaci and Emily and Shawn are more than just my friends, they are literally my family. Sara and Sarah and Tim and Laci and Molly and everyone else at DOZ and everyone else in Quidditch and my classes have done so much to define who I am as a person and where my life is headed that I can't imagine college or life without them. It's already going to be hard this year, with all the seniors graduated. I mean, what do I do without Meghan to hassle or Daniel to tell me wonderful bisexual news or walk me home or drunkenly cuddle with me? What will I do without Amy to eat with me or laugh with me or watch horrible movies?
The fact of the matter is that after this year we will all graduate. Some of us will stay in evansville or other parts of indiana and I will move back to texas, or go to africa as this peace corps thing becomes more and more real. And the truth is that we will see eachother less and less. And we will keep up through facebook and email, and I'm sure I will stay very close with some of my friends who I will visit maybe once a year or every couple of years...but it's all going to change and even though that's a semester or a year away, it terrifies me, so the coward that lives under my external boisterous take-on-everything-don't-look-back-chy wants to say fuck it. If I don't go back, things will stay the same. I can disappoint everyone, but I'll never have to see them again.
But of course, I won't. Two weeks from now I will pack up my car and drive fifteen hours back to Indiana with all its love and heartache and learning and drama that will come. I'll work on my senior sem and pass and then face a final semester before I have to make one of the biggest choices in my life. And friends will come and friends will go and maybe there will be that relationship that brewed all last semester, or maybe there won't be, who knows? But the year will come, and as it always does, the year will go, and then we'll walk across that stage and it's going to end a part of my life and start another full of bills and rent and jobs and life. And I'm sure by the end of this year I'll be excited about it, but right now I'm just scared.
Sue me.
But then tonight I was thinking about it, and I think what I'm really scared of is going back because that means it's going to be closer to me leaving. The rest of this post will be a bit morose, so feel free to skip ahead. But the people I know in college mean the world to me. Amy has become the best friend I could possibly have. Jaci and Emily and Shawn are more than just my friends, they are literally my family. Sara and Sarah and Tim and Laci and Molly and everyone else at DOZ and everyone else in Quidditch and my classes have done so much to define who I am as a person and where my life is headed that I can't imagine college or life without them. It's already going to be hard this year, with all the seniors graduated. I mean, what do I do without Meghan to hassle or Daniel to tell me wonderful bisexual news or walk me home or drunkenly cuddle with me? What will I do without Amy to eat with me or laugh with me or watch horrible movies?
The fact of the matter is that after this year we will all graduate. Some of us will stay in evansville or other parts of indiana and I will move back to texas, or go to africa as this peace corps thing becomes more and more real. And the truth is that we will see eachother less and less. And we will keep up through facebook and email, and I'm sure I will stay very close with some of my friends who I will visit maybe once a year or every couple of years...but it's all going to change and even though that's a semester or a year away, it terrifies me, so the coward that lives under my external boisterous take-on-everything-don't-look-back-chy wants to say fuck it. If I don't go back, things will stay the same. I can disappoint everyone, but I'll never have to see them again.
But of course, I won't. Two weeks from now I will pack up my car and drive fifteen hours back to Indiana with all its love and heartache and learning and drama that will come. I'll work on my senior sem and pass and then face a final semester before I have to make one of the biggest choices in my life. And friends will come and friends will go and maybe there will be that relationship that brewed all last semester, or maybe there won't be, who knows? But the year will come, and as it always does, the year will go, and then we'll walk across that stage and it's going to end a part of my life and start another full of bills and rent and jobs and life. And I'm sure by the end of this year I'll be excited about it, but right now I'm just scared.
Sue me.