I smile...but in the inside, I cry..
I think these past weeks I havent been smiling.
Life has been blah.
I think the best thing that happend this weekend was taking zach braff's advice to go see the new musician named Josh Raiden at the hotel cafe in Hollywood. woohooitsmel went with me and it was fun. This guy was awesome. Zach was there too. From now on I'm going to check out that place and listen to some soothing music.
This past weekend has been really busy and stressing. I actually had to let out my fustrations, things that I realizied, and my sadness. So I cried in the car.
I just feel like my hopes and dreams are just not going to happend. I really havent been hanging out with my friends. I've mostly just been with my mom. We've been bonding. It's nice.
I've really been a mean person latley. I guess it's because I feel like things around me is just fake. I see no truth anymore from people. Maybe I'm just lonley. I'm just sad because I'm seriously doing something stressful everyday. Maybe I'm angry because I've been hurt in some way by something or someone. Like from the song "Brandon" from Bea. " There is no anger without pain". I dunno.
It's sad because I'm lashing out on people. Sorry.
I know one thing.. I'm worried. My daddy's in rehab now, but before I left I found out he's really sick and the nurses are scaring me. Thats when I totally broke down.
Yeah I bet everyone has been through this sometime in their life.
One day I when I was really pissed I just wrote on my myspace blog this:
you really wanna know me.
honestly...
I'm a hard working person.. I have full time school.. to fullfill my career in dentistry.. and also, I work part time. I don't need to, but I want to because I hate asking money from my parents.
I like wearing eye glasses. I have about 4 different pairs. Every fucking day I get some bullshit from some one. There's not one fucking day I don't here some kind of drama. An the only drama that relates to me...I do not fucking deserve. Don't you just hate it when you are trying to be the better person.. but honestly.. deep down you don't want to be.
I'm the person who fucking gives and gives.. but gets.. SHIT in return.
I do not deserve it and I will not take it anymore. I'm tired of being the middle man and I'm tired of being the "strong" person. I will just focus on my life instead of others.
currently: in a bad mood right now.
I guess.. I'm not a simple girl. Things around me won't let me be simple.
the end.
**********************
Right now.. I'm just totally tired. I have midterms all this week and I have to work. It's so hard to concentrate on school when I'm worrying about my dad. I just don't know what to do sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be with my dad everyday to just watch him and make sure he's okay or at least push him to get better. I mean my mom can't be there with him all the time because she's so busy with the homes, but then I know graduating and doing well in school is all my father wanted out of me.. So I figure I'll just continue to do that. This school year has been tough. I don't think I'll make it to honors this trimester.
My mom noticed I havent been on the brighter side. She told me not to come home this weekend. She's been really thoughtful latley. Maybe it's because she's been winning money. I do have some of the kidsilove coming to LA to do some stuff for melodee's birthday. So I will be taking them around. At least I also look forward to Friday. I'm going to the horse races and then after I'm going to watch J5. I'm really excited to see that. Sunday I just want to stay in bed.
Oh well.. Enough of me blabbering. back to studying.
Hope everyone else is not feeling shitty like I am.
It's been raining. I love it.
Life has been blah.
I think the best thing that happend this weekend was taking zach braff's advice to go see the new musician named Josh Raiden at the hotel cafe in Hollywood. woohooitsmel went with me and it was fun. This guy was awesome. Zach was there too. From now on I'm going to check out that place and listen to some soothing music.
This past weekend has been really busy and stressing. I actually had to let out my fustrations, things that I realizied, and my sadness. So I cried in the car.
I just feel like my hopes and dreams are just not going to happend. I really havent been hanging out with my friends. I've mostly just been with my mom. We've been bonding. It's nice.
I've really been a mean person latley. I guess it's because I feel like things around me is just fake. I see no truth anymore from people. Maybe I'm just lonley. I'm just sad because I'm seriously doing something stressful everyday. Maybe I'm angry because I've been hurt in some way by something or someone. Like from the song "Brandon" from Bea. " There is no anger without pain". I dunno.
It's sad because I'm lashing out on people. Sorry.
I know one thing.. I'm worried. My daddy's in rehab now, but before I left I found out he's really sick and the nurses are scaring me. Thats when I totally broke down.
Yeah I bet everyone has been through this sometime in their life.
One day I when I was really pissed I just wrote on my myspace blog this:
you really wanna know me.
honestly...
I'm a hard working person.. I have full time school.. to fullfill my career in dentistry.. and also, I work part time. I don't need to, but I want to because I hate asking money from my parents.
I like wearing eye glasses. I have about 4 different pairs. Every fucking day I get some bullshit from some one. There's not one fucking day I don't here some kind of drama. An the only drama that relates to me...I do not fucking deserve. Don't you just hate it when you are trying to be the better person.. but honestly.. deep down you don't want to be.
I'm the person who fucking gives and gives.. but gets.. SHIT in return.
I do not deserve it and I will not take it anymore. I'm tired of being the middle man and I'm tired of being the "strong" person. I will just focus on my life instead of others.
currently: in a bad mood right now.
I guess.. I'm not a simple girl. Things around me won't let me be simple.
the end.
**********************
Right now.. I'm just totally tired. I have midterms all this week and I have to work. It's so hard to concentrate on school when I'm worrying about my dad. I just don't know what to do sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be with my dad everyday to just watch him and make sure he's okay or at least push him to get better. I mean my mom can't be there with him all the time because she's so busy with the homes, but then I know graduating and doing well in school is all my father wanted out of me.. So I figure I'll just continue to do that. This school year has been tough. I don't think I'll make it to honors this trimester.
My mom noticed I havent been on the brighter side. She told me not to come home this weekend. She's been really thoughtful latley. Maybe it's because she's been winning money. I do have some of the kidsilove coming to LA to do some stuff for melodee's birthday. So I will be taking them around. At least I also look forward to Friday. I'm going to the horse races and then after I'm going to watch J5. I'm really excited to see that. Sunday I just want to stay in bed.
Oh well.. Enough of me blabbering. back to studying.
Hope everyone else is not feeling shitty like I am.
It's been raining. I love it.