another sleepless night
well here it is 5:20 am and here I am again. At least I can use the computer without interuption at this time of the day as Nicci is asleep. Went to sleep around 1:30 back up at 3am with my back again. It really gets tiring every night. How I can't sleep thru these sleeping pills I could never tell you. This pain just jolts me out of a dead sleep and then I'm up pacing trying to take my mind off the pain. Tried to read for awhile but that wasn't working si since I don't get a chance to journal much thought I might do that now.
Isn't this a beautiful picture? I fell in love with it when I first saw it. I so love the ocean and when in a lot of pain that's where I try to go in my mind. Not sure what just happened with my post . The underlining and colors just seem to have a mind of their own tonight. I'm sure I must have hit something but not sure what and knowing me if I try to fix it I'll just lose my post so I'll let it do what it wants. I never know what happens half the time as I'm still really learning computers. Oh look it changed again. Ok maybe i'm a little more tired than I thought. Hallucinating or real? Guess it's real if it's here. Right?
Not sure whether to just make some coffee or try to go back to bed again. Probably should try to sleep some more if I can but I'll write for awhile.
Wednesday is August 9th, 4 years ago when I found out my Father was dying from Brain Cancer. Hard time of year every year for me but I'm trying so hard to focus on other things and not dwell. That's the problem with PTSD it doesn't always want to go away when you want it too. So many thoughts and dreams of him lately that I guess I would almoost rather not sleep so I don't have the nightmares either. They always seem to be the same and I cry so hard and there's just no one here to hold me. I keep it away from my kids now as I don't want them to have to go thru it too. They've been thru enough already when Mom fell apart and became agrophobic and suffered panic attacks. I'm sure that scared them enough and I won't put them thru all that again. They have an idea of the time of year when I have the triggers but I try to get thru it by myself for the most part. But when Nov. 23rd comes they know it's best to leave me to greive his loss. The day he died , well I'm not going there now I just can't.
I recently lost my counselor of 3 years due to budgetcuts and now I'm trying to find another but anyone who suffers anxieties knows that's just not an easy task. And I so don't want to relive everything all over again with a new counselor. I really have come a long way from where I was and don't want to take steps back and I'm afraid. That alone sends me back into anxiety attacks. And that means phone calls and then being told they won't accept my insurance before I finally find someone. Thats usually about 40 phone calls later and I have some social anxieties with making phone calls.
I miss my counselor and I miss my old Dr. I had her for 3 years also but because she was doing her residency she moved on and I got a new resident who doesn't really know me or understand a lot of what I've been thru. Where my old Dr got me thru a really rough time in my life and knew me well. This Dr is ok, she treats my fibro/cfs and anxiety etc. but it's like she's too busy for me most of the time and I feel like an inconvienience to her. My other dr would take her time with me , explain things to me and keep me informed. She would have me research my fibro and other things so I would be an informed patient and then discuss the findings with me. I try to do that with this dr and it's like she knows everything and if I bring in some new info she just tosses it to the side like whatever. It makes me feel so small. And I already feel so small as it is. I try to pretend to be stronger than I am for everyone else's sake as they have always expected me too. I'm the caregiver not the one who needs care. Even I can't get past that. I've been doing it for so long that it's just so hard to give up the ghost I guess. Not being able to work any more has been bad enough. I have worked all my life and should be happy for the break but I feel like I'm not a part of the world anymore or something to that affect. I can't provide the things I used too for my children or go shopping or have a car and I miss those things. While other times I feel like I can't leave the house or talk to people and get scared. I feel like a freak pretending to be a normal person for everyone else's sake. I try to do little things to make some difference even when it flares my fibro or anxieties just to please others or trying to pass as normal. I isolate myself sometimes on purpose just so I can take a break from pretending or when the pain is so bad and I'm trying so hard to hide it. I know it all sounds so stupid I'm just having a hard time dealing with this change in my life and worry too much about what others now see in me. There are so many people I couldn't ever face after my Father's death and they were sort of friends before. I just can't let them see me like this. I'm not as bad as I was at that time. I weighed 88 lbs and looked awful. I still am only at 97lbs but now walk with a cane and limp. I'm just not the person they once knew. I'm not the person I once knew. I kept going and going and going for a year after he passed away and then finally my body crashed so bad about 2 years ago and my phobias started to get worse and worse. I felt like they too would abandon me like my family did. I have two great daughters and two beautiful grandsons and that's what keeps me going. They always tell me "It's ok to let us help Mom you're still captain of the ship". It's such a funny thing to say, our humor gets us by and they always help remind me of that every day. I'm lucky to have them. But worry about being a burden too even though they are very insistant on not letting anyone else take care of me in any way. But they have lives too and they need to live theirs.
Okay so this is why I don't write in my journal very often as I start my depression bit. Sorry to anyone reading this. I'm tired so take it with a grain of salt and ignore the whining. I'm ok and I'll be ok just need to let off a little steam once in awhile. My life will get better if I can get some damn sleep. That's it I'm just sleep deprived and that's my story and I'm sticking to it! LOL. Hey maybe I'm sleepwriting. Yeah that's it I'm sleepwriting so not responsible. Will that work? Yeah why not?
Well saved by the bell, Or Nicci anyway she wants the laptop and is getting very ansy now. Be well and happy all! Enjoy your summer days and smile for me.