hiya
Yes, yes, it has been a while. Really, I don't know what to write about, so much is happening, I just don't know where to start.
This whole summer I have worked hard on improving myself, on creating a serene self to counteract those negative parts of myself, the anxiety that is soo getting out of hand. Now that class have started up again, I haven't been working on anything much anymore. Mostly I am off doing something, or getting ready to do something. Or sleeping. My energy has fallen. And now, suddenly I am really depressed. In fact, I have gaming today and I just don't want to go. But my sister Leah will be there and maybe we should talk. Really, I guess what is bothering me is what happened last night. I may have hurt someone I really care about, and irrecoverably damaged our already extremely fragile relationship. Jake says what happened had to happen, but now I am really worried. I was really messed up last night, and I am afraid of the repercussions that daylight and a clear head brings. Also, I miss Germany, or i don't know. I miss Sonja, I need to talk to my older sister! I need someone removed from the whole situation, that can give me some advice. Maybe I am over-analyzing too much, maybe I am overreacting. But that part of me that likes to tell me what a fuck-up I am is vehemently active again. Oh gods! This is the last thing I need. Drama go away! Calm.
Ok, I think my panic attack is over now. Still, I really need to figure some shit out. That obsessive-compulsive part of me needs some definitions and clarification. I hate not knowing exactly what is up. Forgive me, I like my life neat, everything in its place, understandable. Ok, time to stop thinking. I have SOD business I need to take care of. I will update a bit more coherently later.