Update

Jan 29, 2004 23:38

First and formost...



create your own visited states map
or write about it on the open travel guide

Woohoo, I've made it to 25 of the 50 states, which is 49%?



Thunderous Applause! You are: 'Which of the Greek
Gods are you?' You're the question that
everyone asks themselves at least once in their
lives. Well, at least those of us who were
forced to study Greek mythology. We hope it's
a God with a cool accessory, like maybe a
thunderbolt, or a robe of firey wind. Is there
an answer? Not really. But we like the
question.

Which Quizilla Quiz Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

This one is for you digitsdeciple!

Ok so now on to my big update now that "That's So Gay" Week is over. Really with all the events going on I haven't felt like writing when I got home at night, only like crashing. Originally I planned on commenting on all of the events, but now after reading what everyone else has had to say on the subject, I just don't see the point. To be brief (for once), I had fun at every event. It was great, and for all of you who are complaining for any reason-just stop for a minuet and think about how nice it was to have something to do this week. To be able to hang out and see each other. Maybe I am just too nice, but I really hate hearing people that I like complain about other people I like. It makes me sad. And after all the work that people put in to this week and weeks in the past, can't we just be understanding and appreciative? But enough of that.

In other news, I had another appointment with Dr. Gleason this week. For the past three sessions, ok for all of the sessions this quarter, I have both cried and left feeling exhausted. But I not really feeling like I am making any progress. I mean it is really great too talk about all my shit, but now that I can talk about, identify it, how do I FIX it? Really I think most of my problems all boil down to self-confidence. Yeah, kinda majorly lacking in the department still. Ok since sophomore year of High School (and for those of you who don't know, that was when I started cutting and that summer I spent two weeks in the hospital), I feel like I have gotten a lot better. But I still can't confront people, I really can't complain, confront, or otherwise express anger, resentment or other "negative" emotions to or about my friends. And to people who are my friends, or who are family, I just can't communicate it to them.

I also have realized that I still really hate my body. I get defensive and do the whole "why can't people just like me for who I am and not what I look like," but according to those pamphlets up on the 3rd floor of Hudson, that is just typical. Yeah fine. I'm fat and ugly, and I hate it. But i'm still not willing to really do anything about it. Just fuck it all. Why should I care. Because our society is still so much based on looks. Because even I judge my self-worth on a weight scale. Damn. Now what. Do I commit to dieting and going Ping (oh dear lord no) or what?

I don't know, really I feel like giving up. I would like a vacation please. I vacation from the world. I don't want to think or deal with school, my family, or even my friends. Send me back to the hospital. It was nice and quiet there. Sometimes (often?) I just look at my future and get tired. It never really ends, just more stressful. I'm tired of stress, tired of conflict. Damn it if I could go to deserted island, I wouldn't bring anyone. Be a nice place to think and relax. Well now I am being depressing and I going to shut myself up and go to bed. It will be a better day tomorrow-maybe.
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