too many posts in a day and who cares.
I've always been an athiest. well, not always--from about three years old to six I was extremely religious. I wore crucifixes, hung up my baptism dress, lit candles each morning and night and prayed to God, the whole shebang. funnily enough, my parents didn't push any of this on me; they're what I call Casual Catholics. you know, Fair Weather Fanatics. they're Catholic on Christmas and Easter and when we sold our house. I completely picked up religion on my own and the first time I actually went to a church was when I was seven or eight, besides when I was baptized (Catholic).
I don't remember any of that. we have videos of me praying each night, of me holding my rosary and saying the Hail Mary, and I don't remember a bit of it. it's understandable that I'd forget it over time, because after all, it's been more than ten years since then, but... how did I find out about it? how did I know and trust so deeply in God that I checked books out of the library on the prayers I'd never heard of? none of my parents' friends are very religious, and my grandparents just discovered religion a couple years ago. how, when I was three years old, barely able to function as a human being, did I feel a presence and know, in my heart, it was God?
when I was nine or ten I met some other Christians. they seemed insane, claiming some man had died for the wrongdoings of humans two thousand years ago and then rose from the dead to talk to his friends. what was this, a do-gooder zombie movie? then I guess I just gradually started to judge Christians, especially Catholics. how stupid they were, to believe someone was helping us, to believe a certain He (always capitalized) was there for us when we asked. writing songs to an invisible being whose existence was impossible to prove. what was that? blind devotion. desperation to believe someone actually liked you. a frantic desire for unconditional love that doesn't exist within the human race. I started hating Christianity, hating the Bible and the Jesusfests and churches. what was the Bible but stories created by Constantine to bring together an empire? but bedtime stories to comfort a restless child? myths. lies. fables, fiction. nothing.
my parents enrolled me in a new school this year, a private Catholic high school. my first reaction, of course, was, Oh great. this was just what I needed: a bunch of devout Jesus freaks shoving their stupid religion down my throat. obviously it isn't like that at all. my theology teacher is so open to different religions and we debate constantly in his class, learning about each other and trying to piece together the truth. of all the places I go with my girlfriend, of all the groups of people we're around, it's actually the Catholic school who is most accepting. probably our school is the most open Catholic school ever, but... it still really changed my perspective on--everything.
now I just don't know. is He here? is He a He? why do we capitalize His name? aren't we just like Him? does He really deserve millions of peoples' worship? I know that right now is the time for self-discovery, and I've discovered a lot this year: I'm gay. I'm not as great as I thought I was. I'm better than I thought I was. people will judge me and be mean to me and there's nothing I can do so I need to get over it. my parents aren't the whole, perfect beings I thought they were. my parents aren't the judgmental, stupid people I thought they were. nothing is what it appears to be. but... come on. is it cliche to discover God in high school? yeah. I'm not a cliche. I don't even know if I believe it. I just think there's something here. something that hugs us when we need it, something that laughs at our unfunny jokes. I think you just have to listen closely, to be open and want a hug. is it just that same blind desperation I saw in the Christians not even a few months ago that makes me want to believe in someone taking care of me? probably. but I don't know.
my question: what do you think? what's out there, what is it? how does it touch us? did it create us? are we the actual God? just give me your input, even if it's 'get some sense, Chelsea, and gather up your broken athiesm'. I'm just curious what others believe.