in a perfect world
tonight is saturday, as is my quiet ritual, I will spend the dark portion of the evening trying to be productive in some way. productivity is my only release and escape from productivity. I feel no credit for what I do under direction. I feel it is just me acting as a machine, and it scares me. worse yet, i seem to objectively be my best at work, like working for someone else. I finished my first week of work, 8-5 every day in the doctors office, answering phones, booking appointments, filing, record keeping, odds and ends. They put a lot of faith in me, and treat me very well, which I appreciate, the work will, I'm sure, drag on me by the end of the summer, just because there is so much of it, but I feel fortuneate. I'm treated well, I have work, it's good work, it pays well, and I'm pretty happy while I'm there, which for being work, is as much as I dare ask.
I had dinner tonight with the guys. I went off to a small liberal arts school, with its pretention, heavy fears, and hurting decadence, a school with a culture without culture, all of my freinds went to the U of M pretty much, a few went off to iowa or wisconsin, but big schools. Almost all of my freinds study engineering, so at dinner, the conversation would drift to bitching and arguing about engineering and science from everyone's finals, they all seemed to be sharper, better versed in science, my science has only dulled. A few years ago, I was as good as they were at it, for my year of college, I think I only have a few more words to toss into my sardonic commentary. I can form a more coherant argument, I have to capacity to be far more tactful in my malice, to be evil on a whole new level. I see none of that as good for me. Lake Forest is not a bad place so much as it is just not for me. I got my grades today. I made the Dean's List, which I guess is cool. I remember when I was, oh maybe 12 or 13 watching CNBC with my dad, and there was a commercial for financial planning, and a well dressed man on a leather chair before a mahogany desk was talking on a phone "emily is great, and matt made it on the dean's list", and then the commentator on the commercial continued the voice over. I decided then I wanted to be impressive like that, make the Dean's List, because it would make people proud of me. I so badly just look for attention.
We all have vision of perfect lives for ourselves in our heads, we never go through reasoning them out for fear we'll discover we don't truly want them, and live our lives taking comfort in, and aspiring in these dreams and visions, visions we aren't even sure we want. People do not like reason because reason is incomplete, it offers little actual comfort. We will claim reason only when it suits us, what we want. What fits into our whims, which I think grow out of our illusions, visions, dreams in our heads of where and what and who we want. If reason fits, it's just a tool to justify a desire. Emotions, it's all just a component. Human beings are not intelligent life, we're still no more sophisticated than apes or dogs, we just happen to be at the helm of a much more potent mind. We use our capacity for the rational to justify our basic, irrational, but far more pleasant and satisfying desires. We believe what we want to believe. Once you begin to look through someone's eyes to the world inside their head, with its picture of how it would like to see the world, what their soul resonates with, what patterns their perfect little world follows, you can almost guess what they want to believe, and anything you can succesfully attach to those things, they also will accept. They of course, is you and me. The most amazing of all things however, is when you consciously watch yourself feed yourself ideas you'd like to believe, decieving yourself by playing to your very own dreams. Like tricking yourself into taking a sour medicine.
There is a song by Cake, they play it on the radio, and it makes me think of liz every time. So I think in an hour or so, I'll go to flagship and work out. There is a big part of me that misses her like crazy. Kind of like, I wish I knew then what I know now, how very naive I really was, and largely still am, but at least I know it I guess.
I had dinner tonight with the guys. I went off to a small liberal arts school, with its pretention, heavy fears, and hurting decadence, a school with a culture without culture, all of my freinds went to the U of M pretty much, a few went off to iowa or wisconsin, but big schools. Almost all of my freinds study engineering, so at dinner, the conversation would drift to bitching and arguing about engineering and science from everyone's finals, they all seemed to be sharper, better versed in science, my science has only dulled. A few years ago, I was as good as they were at it, for my year of college, I think I only have a few more words to toss into my sardonic commentary. I can form a more coherant argument, I have to capacity to be far more tactful in my malice, to be evil on a whole new level. I see none of that as good for me. Lake Forest is not a bad place so much as it is just not for me. I got my grades today. I made the Dean's List, which I guess is cool. I remember when I was, oh maybe 12 or 13 watching CNBC with my dad, and there was a commercial for financial planning, and a well dressed man on a leather chair before a mahogany desk was talking on a phone "emily is great, and matt made it on the dean's list", and then the commentator on the commercial continued the voice over. I decided then I wanted to be impressive like that, make the Dean's List, because it would make people proud of me. I so badly just look for attention.
We all have vision of perfect lives for ourselves in our heads, we never go through reasoning them out for fear we'll discover we don't truly want them, and live our lives taking comfort in, and aspiring in these dreams and visions, visions we aren't even sure we want. People do not like reason because reason is incomplete, it offers little actual comfort. We will claim reason only when it suits us, what we want. What fits into our whims, which I think grow out of our illusions, visions, dreams in our heads of where and what and who we want. If reason fits, it's just a tool to justify a desire. Emotions, it's all just a component. Human beings are not intelligent life, we're still no more sophisticated than apes or dogs, we just happen to be at the helm of a much more potent mind. We use our capacity for the rational to justify our basic, irrational, but far more pleasant and satisfying desires. We believe what we want to believe. Once you begin to look through someone's eyes to the world inside their head, with its picture of how it would like to see the world, what their soul resonates with, what patterns their perfect little world follows, you can almost guess what they want to believe, and anything you can succesfully attach to those things, they also will accept. They of course, is you and me. The most amazing of all things however, is when you consciously watch yourself feed yourself ideas you'd like to believe, decieving yourself by playing to your very own dreams. Like tricking yourself into taking a sour medicine.
There is a song by Cake, they play it on the radio, and it makes me think of liz every time. So I think in an hour or so, I'll go to flagship and work out. There is a big part of me that misses her like crazy. Kind of like, I wish I knew then what I know now, how very naive I really was, and largely still am, but at least I know it I guess.