Sleep Like the Dead: Part 2 - The Second Time
‘Will.
‘Will is gone.
‘Will is gone because he stepped in front of an arrow meant for Arthur - he sacrificed himself for a man he didn’t even like, all because he knew that I cared for him.
‘Will is gone.
‘Will. Is. Gone.
‘It’s. My. Fault.
‘Will. Is. Gone.’
The words echoed through Merlin’s mind in a beat that perfectly matched the muffled clip-clop of his horse’s hoofs along the hard dirt path. He ignored all going on around him - and in him - in favour of blaming himself for his best friend’s death.
Morgana rode beside Merlin, watching him. He was slumped on his horse, eyes trained to the path ahead but unfocused and unaware of anything going on around him. Every couple of minutes or so his head would lose all support of his neck until it would jerk upright again.
The fifth time it happened Morgana had had enough. With a slight kick of her heel she increased her horse’s trot until she was even with Arthur.
“We should stop.”
Arthur didn’t even bother looking at Morgana before shaking his head.
“If we keep it up we’ll reach Camelot not too long after nightfall. I’d prefer not to camp out another night.”
“Merlin’s not going to make it until nightfall. He’s falling asleep on his horse,” Morgana said, prompting Arthur to look over his shoulder at his manservant. At that moment in time Merlin was awake and had all the appearances of being alert.
“He looks fine to me,” Arthur said, focusing his attention in front of him once again.
Morgana looked back and saw Merlin’s head droop again. It was time to resort to blackmail.
“Arthur, if we do not stop - and soon - I will tell Uther about that time with Lady Aurilia.”
Arthur’s shoulders stiffened, but he didn’t seem phased.
“Or, maybe I’ll tell him about the time with Lord Thain,” Morgana said, threat clear in her voice.
Arthur was relenting, she could see he was, but it was all made a moot point a second later when Gwen called out a panicked “My Lady!”
It’s a sign of a well-trained horse when an owner can stop it and whirl it around in one graceful movement - and Arthur and Morgana both had well-trained horses. The grace in the move was lost to them, though, for they turned to see Gwen and Merlin stopped farther back on the path, Gwen struggling to keep a slumped Merlin on his horse.
Before they could even lift a heel to urge their own horses forward, Gwen failed. Merlin slipped from her grasp and slammed to the ground in a heap, his head bouncing once upon the ground before stopping with a sickening thud.
*****
Morgana sat by Merlin’s bedside and watched as he slept. He was still - not a muscle twitched, his eyes didn’t move behind his eyelids. He was barely even breathing.
When she had first reached his side after he fell from the horse, she had been terrified - had thought that he truly wasn’t breathing. That he had hit his head too hard and died. She could see from the look of horror on Arthur’s face that he was thinking the same. But not Gwen. Gwen knew better, and kept shooing their hands away as she checked Merlin over to make sure nothing was broken or badly damaged.
Morgana had never seen Arthur move as fast as he had right after Merlin fell. He hadn’t even bothered with his horse - he had leapt off his horse’s back and sprinted to Merlin’s side. Not that Morgana had been that far behind, either. But she rushed with more dignity than Arthur’s wild panic.
Once Gwen had declared Merlin alive and relatively well - just unconscious - Arthur had retrieved his horse. With the help of Morgana and Gwen he got Merlin settled in front of him and then they were off at a much faster clip than before, with Gwen leading Merlin’s horse.
The whole journey back Merlin hadn’t stirred. Not even when Arthur carried him up to his room and laid him on his bed or when Gaius checked him over with pokes and prods.
Morgana knew that Merlin wasn’t unconscious - he was asleep. She knew sleep in all its forms better than most people.
She had been observing Merlin for a while and knew the signs of an extremely tired Merlin - the unfocused look of his eyes, the sudden jerk of his head as he fell asleep for a second and then woke himself back up. Usually Merlin would find an excuse to drop whatever he was doing and presumably go find a place to sleep. The only other time he hadn’t been able to do so was shortly after he had been poisoned. One moment he had been awake - nodding off to sleep, yes, but mostly awake - and the next he had been so deeply asleep that nothing anyone did could get him to wake up.
Morgana wanted his secret. How did he do it? How did he fall into such a deep sleep where he didn’t move, even to turn over to get into another position? Was he secretly taking a potion? Did he stay awake for a certain length of time or work himself hard for hours on end?
Morgana had tried all of that - the potions, the staying awake, the working hard - whenever Uther would allow her to train with Arthur, that is. But nothing worked. She could stay awake for days and not fall unexpectedly - blessedly - asleep, but rather she would just turn into an angry monster with an acid tongue. (She could admit this to herself, if not out loud.) She could work until she couldn’t move and all it would gain her was aching muscles.
She wanted to know Merlin’s secret to sleeping like he was on the edge of death. She wanted that kind of sleep, too.
*****
Merlin was in agony when he awoke. His head screamed at him, his back was one giant knot and his legs felt bruised and beaten.
That was nothing compared to his heart when he remembered the previous couple of days.
All this fell upon his body and mind before he even opened his eyes. He lie still for several long moments, considering how feasible it would be to never open his eyes again, but soon a shifting and a soft sigh beside him told him he wasn’t alone.
He cracked his eyes open and managed to focus on a head of long, sleek, dark hair, before the light registered and made the pain flare even greater in his head. He couldn’t quite bite back a groan as he slammed his eyes shut once again. But he did receive a cool and calming hand on his forehead in return.
“Take it slow, Merlin. You had a bad fall from your horse.”
It was Morgana - speaking softly to him and soothing a hand over his forehead. He struggled for several long moments with slowly opening his eyes and getting adjusted to both the flood of light and the ache it brought to his head. Finally, though, he was able to fully look at the beautiful woman beside him.
“Do you remember falling, Merlin?”
Merlin almost nodded, before realising it was probably not the best idea. Instead he croaked out a weak “Yes.”
“You had us worried. You hit your head hard. Gaius said you were lucky not to damage your brain,” Morgana said. Then she broke into a smile and added: “Arthur said you probably had but you’re mentally deficient enough already that we would never know.”
Merlin had to chuckle at that, even though the resulting movements hurt his entire body from head to toe.
“Why did you fall, Merlin?”
The question stopped Merlin’s chuckling abruptly and he stilled for a moment before carefully shrugging.
“I think you do know, Merlin.”
Morgana’s hand was still on his forehead and her voice was calm. Her eyes, though - they held an ounce of pleading to them that was unusual for the strong-willed woman. But Merlin still didn’t answer.
“How do you do it?”
Merlin made what he hoped was an ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ face.
Morgana wasn’t buying it.
“You fell asleep on your horse, and didn’t wake up even when you hit the ground. How do you do it? How do you sleep so deeply?”
Merlin didn’t want to answer - didn’t want Morgana to know this about him. But she looked almost desperate, as if his answer would mean the world to her. He knew about her problems sleeping, and he couldn’t give her hope that she could sleep the same way he did. He just couldn’t.
“I’ve always done this,” Merlin finally said, clearing his throat against the roughness brought on by too much sleep. “Since I was little. If I get really tired, I just sleep. I can’t stop it from happening and nothing will wake me up until I wake up on my own. I don’t know why, it just happens.”
Disappointment flashed in Morgana’s eyes before she tucked it away - tucked everything away except her Lady Morgana persona. She removed her hand from Merlin’s forehead and sat up straight - prim and proper once again.
“You know when it’s going to happen though, right? You knew the night of the feast.”
“Yeah, I do. Usually I can get away and get some sleep. I really only need an hour or so and then I’ll be okay. Sometimes it just isn’t possible.”
Morgana nodded and then stood up.
“You should get some more rest. Gaius said that you are not to get out of your bed until he says it’s okay. I’ll send Gwen in to sit with you.”
Morgana strode away from his bed, but she paused at the door, looking back at him, a smirk on her lips.
“If Arthur knew about this I think he would try to make it happen on purpose, just for his own enjoyment,” Morgana said.
Merlin grimaced in agreement.
“I’ll help you,” she said. “If it happens again and Arthur asks you where you were, tell him I sent you on an errand - to pick flowers or buy fabric for me. If Arthur asks me then I will tell him I did it - whatever you come up with. Within reason,” she added, giving him a stern glare.
Merlin gaped back at her in disbelief.
“R-really?”
“Of course,” Morgana said, smiling softly at Merlin. “You can’t help that this happens to you. Besides, knowing that you would drop everything of his to help me would drive Arthur crazy.”
The smile on Morgana’s lips was slightly evil, tugging a large grin out of Merlin.
“Get some rest, Merlin. I’ll send Gwen in with some food and water.”
With that, Morgana left.
Yes, she knew that Arthur would hate having anything come between Merlin and him - she had seen how much Merlin meant to him in the way he cradled the long, lanky body to his own on their journey back to Camelot - but that wasn’t really why she was willing to be Merlin’s scapegoat.
She had lied when she told Merlin that Arthur would have fun trying to make Merlin collapse - she knew that wasn’t so. Maybe before the events of the day before Arthur would have, but after seeing Merlin slam to the ground and blood soaking the back of his head - Arthur wouldn’t dare try any such thing.
No, if Arthur knew he would be so much more careful with Merlin. He would likely not take Merlin on overnight trips or on the long campaigns that came along with being the prince of a young country. And Arthur needed him. He needed Merlin beside him to watch over him and keep him safe.
Morgana knew the Merlin was something special - that he truly valued Arthur’s life over his own. And Morgana felt the same way. As wonderful as Merlin was, he wasn’t Arthur. Arthur was as dear as a brother to her and she wanted him safe and well-taken care of. She knew that Merlin would protect Arthur at all costs.
So she would protect Merlin’s secret and Merlin would remain by Arthur’s side, protecting him.
Morgana exited Gaius’ quarters and walked away - a soft smile on her lips, and a content feeling in her heart.
Part 3
‘Will is gone.
‘Will is gone because he stepped in front of an arrow meant for Arthur - he sacrificed himself for a man he didn’t even like, all because he knew that I cared for him.
‘Will is gone.
‘Will. Is. Gone.
‘It’s. My. Fault.
‘Will. Is. Gone.’
The words echoed through Merlin’s mind in a beat that perfectly matched the muffled clip-clop of his horse’s hoofs along the hard dirt path. He ignored all going on around him - and in him - in favour of blaming himself for his best friend’s death.
Morgana rode beside Merlin, watching him. He was slumped on his horse, eyes trained to the path ahead but unfocused and unaware of anything going on around him. Every couple of minutes or so his head would lose all support of his neck until it would jerk upright again.
The fifth time it happened Morgana had had enough. With a slight kick of her heel she increased her horse’s trot until she was even with Arthur.
“We should stop.”
Arthur didn’t even bother looking at Morgana before shaking his head.
“If we keep it up we’ll reach Camelot not too long after nightfall. I’d prefer not to camp out another night.”
“Merlin’s not going to make it until nightfall. He’s falling asleep on his horse,” Morgana said, prompting Arthur to look over his shoulder at his manservant. At that moment in time Merlin was awake and had all the appearances of being alert.
“He looks fine to me,” Arthur said, focusing his attention in front of him once again.
Morgana looked back and saw Merlin’s head droop again. It was time to resort to blackmail.
“Arthur, if we do not stop - and soon - I will tell Uther about that time with Lady Aurilia.”
Arthur’s shoulders stiffened, but he didn’t seem phased.
“Or, maybe I’ll tell him about the time with Lord Thain,” Morgana said, threat clear in her voice.
Arthur was relenting, she could see he was, but it was all made a moot point a second later when Gwen called out a panicked “My Lady!”
It’s a sign of a well-trained horse when an owner can stop it and whirl it around in one graceful movement - and Arthur and Morgana both had well-trained horses. The grace in the move was lost to them, though, for they turned to see Gwen and Merlin stopped farther back on the path, Gwen struggling to keep a slumped Merlin on his horse.
Before they could even lift a heel to urge their own horses forward, Gwen failed. Merlin slipped from her grasp and slammed to the ground in a heap, his head bouncing once upon the ground before stopping with a sickening thud.
*****
Morgana sat by Merlin’s bedside and watched as he slept. He was still - not a muscle twitched, his eyes didn’t move behind his eyelids. He was barely even breathing.
When she had first reached his side after he fell from the horse, she had been terrified - had thought that he truly wasn’t breathing. That he had hit his head too hard and died. She could see from the look of horror on Arthur’s face that he was thinking the same. But not Gwen. Gwen knew better, and kept shooing their hands away as she checked Merlin over to make sure nothing was broken or badly damaged.
Morgana had never seen Arthur move as fast as he had right after Merlin fell. He hadn’t even bothered with his horse - he had leapt off his horse’s back and sprinted to Merlin’s side. Not that Morgana had been that far behind, either. But she rushed with more dignity than Arthur’s wild panic.
Once Gwen had declared Merlin alive and relatively well - just unconscious - Arthur had retrieved his horse. With the help of Morgana and Gwen he got Merlin settled in front of him and then they were off at a much faster clip than before, with Gwen leading Merlin’s horse.
The whole journey back Merlin hadn’t stirred. Not even when Arthur carried him up to his room and laid him on his bed or when Gaius checked him over with pokes and prods.
Morgana knew that Merlin wasn’t unconscious - he was asleep. She knew sleep in all its forms better than most people.
She had been observing Merlin for a while and knew the signs of an extremely tired Merlin - the unfocused look of his eyes, the sudden jerk of his head as he fell asleep for a second and then woke himself back up. Usually Merlin would find an excuse to drop whatever he was doing and presumably go find a place to sleep. The only other time he hadn’t been able to do so was shortly after he had been poisoned. One moment he had been awake - nodding off to sleep, yes, but mostly awake - and the next he had been so deeply asleep that nothing anyone did could get him to wake up.
Morgana wanted his secret. How did he do it? How did he fall into such a deep sleep where he didn’t move, even to turn over to get into another position? Was he secretly taking a potion? Did he stay awake for a certain length of time or work himself hard for hours on end?
Morgana had tried all of that - the potions, the staying awake, the working hard - whenever Uther would allow her to train with Arthur, that is. But nothing worked. She could stay awake for days and not fall unexpectedly - blessedly - asleep, but rather she would just turn into an angry monster with an acid tongue. (She could admit this to herself, if not out loud.) She could work until she couldn’t move and all it would gain her was aching muscles.
She wanted to know Merlin’s secret to sleeping like he was on the edge of death. She wanted that kind of sleep, too.
*****
Merlin was in agony when he awoke. His head screamed at him, his back was one giant knot and his legs felt bruised and beaten.
That was nothing compared to his heart when he remembered the previous couple of days.
All this fell upon his body and mind before he even opened his eyes. He lie still for several long moments, considering how feasible it would be to never open his eyes again, but soon a shifting and a soft sigh beside him told him he wasn’t alone.
He cracked his eyes open and managed to focus on a head of long, sleek, dark hair, before the light registered and made the pain flare even greater in his head. He couldn’t quite bite back a groan as he slammed his eyes shut once again. But he did receive a cool and calming hand on his forehead in return.
“Take it slow, Merlin. You had a bad fall from your horse.”
It was Morgana - speaking softly to him and soothing a hand over his forehead. He struggled for several long moments with slowly opening his eyes and getting adjusted to both the flood of light and the ache it brought to his head. Finally, though, he was able to fully look at the beautiful woman beside him.
“Do you remember falling, Merlin?”
Merlin almost nodded, before realising it was probably not the best idea. Instead he croaked out a weak “Yes.”
“You had us worried. You hit your head hard. Gaius said you were lucky not to damage your brain,” Morgana said. Then she broke into a smile and added: “Arthur said you probably had but you’re mentally deficient enough already that we would never know.”
Merlin had to chuckle at that, even though the resulting movements hurt his entire body from head to toe.
“Why did you fall, Merlin?”
The question stopped Merlin’s chuckling abruptly and he stilled for a moment before carefully shrugging.
“I think you do know, Merlin.”
Morgana’s hand was still on his forehead and her voice was calm. Her eyes, though - they held an ounce of pleading to them that was unusual for the strong-willed woman. But Merlin still didn’t answer.
“How do you do it?”
Merlin made what he hoped was an ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about’ face.
Morgana wasn’t buying it.
“You fell asleep on your horse, and didn’t wake up even when you hit the ground. How do you do it? How do you sleep so deeply?”
Merlin didn’t want to answer - didn’t want Morgana to know this about him. But she looked almost desperate, as if his answer would mean the world to her. He knew about her problems sleeping, and he couldn’t give her hope that she could sleep the same way he did. He just couldn’t.
“I’ve always done this,” Merlin finally said, clearing his throat against the roughness brought on by too much sleep. “Since I was little. If I get really tired, I just sleep. I can’t stop it from happening and nothing will wake me up until I wake up on my own. I don’t know why, it just happens.”
Disappointment flashed in Morgana’s eyes before she tucked it away - tucked everything away except her Lady Morgana persona. She removed her hand from Merlin’s forehead and sat up straight - prim and proper once again.
“You know when it’s going to happen though, right? You knew the night of the feast.”
“Yeah, I do. Usually I can get away and get some sleep. I really only need an hour or so and then I’ll be okay. Sometimes it just isn’t possible.”
Morgana nodded and then stood up.
“You should get some more rest. Gaius said that you are not to get out of your bed until he says it’s okay. I’ll send Gwen in to sit with you.”
Morgana strode away from his bed, but she paused at the door, looking back at him, a smirk on her lips.
“If Arthur knew about this I think he would try to make it happen on purpose, just for his own enjoyment,” Morgana said.
Merlin grimaced in agreement.
“I’ll help you,” she said. “If it happens again and Arthur asks you where you were, tell him I sent you on an errand - to pick flowers or buy fabric for me. If Arthur asks me then I will tell him I did it - whatever you come up with. Within reason,” she added, giving him a stern glare.
Merlin gaped back at her in disbelief.
“R-really?”
“Of course,” Morgana said, smiling softly at Merlin. “You can’t help that this happens to you. Besides, knowing that you would drop everything of his to help me would drive Arthur crazy.”
The smile on Morgana’s lips was slightly evil, tugging a large grin out of Merlin.
“Get some rest, Merlin. I’ll send Gwen in with some food and water.”
With that, Morgana left.
Yes, she knew that Arthur would hate having anything come between Merlin and him - she had seen how much Merlin meant to him in the way he cradled the long, lanky body to his own on their journey back to Camelot - but that wasn’t really why she was willing to be Merlin’s scapegoat.
She had lied when she told Merlin that Arthur would have fun trying to make Merlin collapse - she knew that wasn’t so. Maybe before the events of the day before Arthur would have, but after seeing Merlin slam to the ground and blood soaking the back of his head - Arthur wouldn’t dare try any such thing.
No, if Arthur knew he would be so much more careful with Merlin. He would likely not take Merlin on overnight trips or on the long campaigns that came along with being the prince of a young country. And Arthur needed him. He needed Merlin beside him to watch over him and keep him safe.
Morgana knew the Merlin was something special - that he truly valued Arthur’s life over his own. And Morgana felt the same way. As wonderful as Merlin was, he wasn’t Arthur. Arthur was as dear as a brother to her and she wanted him safe and well-taken care of. She knew that Merlin would protect Arthur at all costs.
So she would protect Merlin’s secret and Merlin would remain by Arthur’s side, protecting him.
Morgana exited Gaius’ quarters and walked away - a soft smile on her lips, and a content feeling in her heart.
Part 3