One of these days...
One of these days I will look in the mirror and not find a lonely girl looking back at me....
So I was with this incredible guy over the summer, he wasn't perfect and he had his struggles (don't we all?) but he was good to me and he made me feel special when we spent time together. He is in a different place in his life than I am right now so things never really lined up for us. I feel like we both wanted them to and I feel like we both tried but it just wasn't happening and it got to be really stressful on both of us. He broke up with me around the second week of September and we went a few weeks without seeing each other and only talking via text or Facebook sporadically. Then I finally saw him again at the beginning of October and a few more times (maybe 3) thru October and November, last time I saw him was Nov 25. Things had been going good and I really thought maybe we could work something out. It was about a week or two after that, that he decided he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I think he was overwhelmed by how much he meant to me and was trying to save me from getting hurt cuz I wasn't letting go even tho he asked me to. So since he has created so much space between us I have been trying my hardest to move on from him, even tho I still think about him everyday and miss him and honestly don't really wanna be with anyone else but him. But he asked me to move on so I decided that I will at least try, give it my best effort.
Dec 19th I went on a first date with another guy. He was sweet and told me I was beautiful. We talked for about 4 hours and he seemed really taken with me. That attention felt good and I really tried to just go with it. The next day he asked to see me again and I agreed. We went out to eat (I paid) then we drove around (in my car) and talked. He asked me to be his girlfriend and again all the attention he was giving me felt good and I wanted to keep feeling that way so I said yes (even tho I think I knew in my heart that it was too soon) So we started talking about the holidays and I asked him what he was doing for New Years (just making conversation and honestly just curious) he was like "Oh! We should drive to NYC and see the ball drop. Then after we can drive to Atlantic City!" from there he was off and running making plans, calling his mother and telling her that we were all going to NYC for NYE. I kept trying to say that it didn't seem realistic to me, that it was a crazy idea etc. My gut said not to do it, that it was asking for trouble...too many unpredictable variables...But I didn't listen to my gut. Instead I tried to believe I might be wrong and maybe it would be fun. But I did voice my concerns about how I felt that there was no way I would be able to drive 2 hours to Atlantic City after fighting the crowds of NYC after midnight. So to compromise he suggested that we leave Friday night and go to Atlantic City first then drive back to NYC and spend the day in the city and stay to watch the festivities Sat night and head home after that. So that is what I agreed to, even tho I was still feeling very apprehensive about it.
So we left Friday around 3 pm and got to Atlantic City around 8:30. At first we just walked around, I took some pictures of the sites. We walked into one casino and were just walking around. His mom put 20 dollars in a slot machine and ended up winning 250...They were so excited and everyone was happy. So we continued to walk around and we walked to another casino. Next thing I know he is walking over to a blackjack table and pulls out 9 one hundred dollar bills (!!!!) and puts them on the table. I stayed back shocked and just watching ( the whole gambling thing makes me uncomfortable, especially since earlier in the week he didn't even have "enough" money to pay for us to go out to eat) So he is playing and being really loud with the dealer and I'm standing back just watching and next thing I know he is telling the dealer to hold on and he runs off across the casino and I watch him go to the ATM and come back and put 500 more on the table (!!!!!)
he played for about 45 minutes until he lost everything. He was so heated. He was screaming at the dealer and screaming and swearing at his mother saying he wasnt going to NY and that I was going to have to drive him home. I just walked away. I knew the way he was acting there would be no getting thru to him no matter what anyone said. So I kept my distance, standing about 100 feet away as he moved. Then I heard him say "Fuck this! I'm going to get my money back" So I'm thinking wth this kid is gonna get arrested, so I left, I just walked away. His mother and her boyfriend and his best friend caught up with me and we walked around for about a half hour then went back to the vicinity of where the black jack tables were and watched as he kept playing (I found out later he went and took 400 more out of the bank to try to win back the first 1500 he had lost) Needless to say he lost all of that too. So now he is down about 2000 dollars in a little over an hour (!!!!!!!) So he slams the table and is swearing and basically you can tell is seeing red. We all walk outside, he continues to rant as we walk to my car, says he isnt going to NY and he needs to go home. At first I was like "Screw you, we came on this trip to go to NY on NYE and thats what I am doing, if you wanna go home feel free to take a bus!" so he was ranting and raving and he walked off out of sight. At that point I was just about done with the drama. When I got just outside the parking garage where my car was and I spot him across the street. He comes up and starts telling me that I need to drive him to NY so he can get a bus home. So at this point I'm like whatever, this is so dumb. So we go back to the car and I start to drive. e is ranting and going on and on about how he should of won and if he had won how we would all be staying in a plush hotel room right now and yada yada...At this point I am thinking and losing my resolve to stick to the original plan and go to NY after all but I am not saying much, just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. I drove for a little over 2 hours, pissed and running on adrenaline. Around 2 am I finally started getting tired and I pulled into a rest stop and we slept for 2 hours. I woke up first and started to drive...When I was about a half hour outside of NYC everyone started to wake up and he asked me what I was doing and I said going home. I said I'm done I've decided I need to stop worrying about disappointing other people and just take care of myself. Oh boy thats when the shit started flowing down hill right in my lap. Him and his mother both trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like going to NY was my fault. I didn't take any of it on but damn it was a long drive home. I dropped them off at his house at 9 am and deleted his info from my phone before I even left his driveway. What an ass! Ugh!
So anyways, needless to say I am leaving that long winded BS in 2011 and not carrying that drama into my life in this new year. So it was an adventure, a struggle and crazy ride but I stayed strong and survived it. So now... I move on...over and out!
So I was with this incredible guy over the summer, he wasn't perfect and he had his struggles (don't we all?) but he was good to me and he made me feel special when we spent time together. He is in a different place in his life than I am right now so things never really lined up for us. I feel like we both wanted them to and I feel like we both tried but it just wasn't happening and it got to be really stressful on both of us. He broke up with me around the second week of September and we went a few weeks without seeing each other and only talking via text or Facebook sporadically. Then I finally saw him again at the beginning of October and a few more times (maybe 3) thru October and November, last time I saw him was Nov 25. Things had been going good and I really thought maybe we could work something out. It was about a week or two after that, that he decided he didn't think we should see each other anymore. I think he was overwhelmed by how much he meant to me and was trying to save me from getting hurt cuz I wasn't letting go even tho he asked me to. So since he has created so much space between us I have been trying my hardest to move on from him, even tho I still think about him everyday and miss him and honestly don't really wanna be with anyone else but him. But he asked me to move on so I decided that I will at least try, give it my best effort.
Dec 19th I went on a first date with another guy. He was sweet and told me I was beautiful. We talked for about 4 hours and he seemed really taken with me. That attention felt good and I really tried to just go with it. The next day he asked to see me again and I agreed. We went out to eat (I paid) then we drove around (in my car) and talked. He asked me to be his girlfriend and again all the attention he was giving me felt good and I wanted to keep feeling that way so I said yes (even tho I think I knew in my heart that it was too soon) So we started talking about the holidays and I asked him what he was doing for New Years (just making conversation and honestly just curious) he was like "Oh! We should drive to NYC and see the ball drop. Then after we can drive to Atlantic City!" from there he was off and running making plans, calling his mother and telling her that we were all going to NYC for NYE. I kept trying to say that it didn't seem realistic to me, that it was a crazy idea etc. My gut said not to do it, that it was asking for trouble...too many unpredictable variables...But I didn't listen to my gut. Instead I tried to believe I might be wrong and maybe it would be fun. But I did voice my concerns about how I felt that there was no way I would be able to drive 2 hours to Atlantic City after fighting the crowds of NYC after midnight. So to compromise he suggested that we leave Friday night and go to Atlantic City first then drive back to NYC and spend the day in the city and stay to watch the festivities Sat night and head home after that. So that is what I agreed to, even tho I was still feeling very apprehensive about it.
So we left Friday around 3 pm and got to Atlantic City around 8:30. At first we just walked around, I took some pictures of the sites. We walked into one casino and were just walking around. His mom put 20 dollars in a slot machine and ended up winning 250...They were so excited and everyone was happy. So we continued to walk around and we walked to another casino. Next thing I know he is walking over to a blackjack table and pulls out 9 one hundred dollar bills (!!!!) and puts them on the table. I stayed back shocked and just watching ( the whole gambling thing makes me uncomfortable, especially since earlier in the week he didn't even have "enough" money to pay for us to go out to eat) So he is playing and being really loud with the dealer and I'm standing back just watching and next thing I know he is telling the dealer to hold on and he runs off across the casino and I watch him go to the ATM and come back and put 500 more on the table (!!!!!)
he played for about 45 minutes until he lost everything. He was so heated. He was screaming at the dealer and screaming and swearing at his mother saying he wasnt going to NY and that I was going to have to drive him home. I just walked away. I knew the way he was acting there would be no getting thru to him no matter what anyone said. So I kept my distance, standing about 100 feet away as he moved. Then I heard him say "Fuck this! I'm going to get my money back" So I'm thinking wth this kid is gonna get arrested, so I left, I just walked away. His mother and her boyfriend and his best friend caught up with me and we walked around for about a half hour then went back to the vicinity of where the black jack tables were and watched as he kept playing (I found out later he went and took 400 more out of the bank to try to win back the first 1500 he had lost) Needless to say he lost all of that too. So now he is down about 2000 dollars in a little over an hour (!!!!!!!) So he slams the table and is swearing and basically you can tell is seeing red. We all walk outside, he continues to rant as we walk to my car, says he isnt going to NY and he needs to go home. At first I was like "Screw you, we came on this trip to go to NY on NYE and thats what I am doing, if you wanna go home feel free to take a bus!" so he was ranting and raving and he walked off out of sight. At that point I was just about done with the drama. When I got just outside the parking garage where my car was and I spot him across the street. He comes up and starts telling me that I need to drive him to NY so he can get a bus home. So at this point I'm like whatever, this is so dumb. So we go back to the car and I start to drive. e is ranting and going on and on about how he should of won and if he had won how we would all be staying in a plush hotel room right now and yada yada...At this point I am thinking and losing my resolve to stick to the original plan and go to NY after all but I am not saying much, just trying to figure out what I'm gonna do. I drove for a little over 2 hours, pissed and running on adrenaline. Around 2 am I finally started getting tired and I pulled into a rest stop and we slept for 2 hours. I woke up first and started to drive...When I was about a half hour outside of NYC everyone started to wake up and he asked me what I was doing and I said going home. I said I'm done I've decided I need to stop worrying about disappointing other people and just take care of myself. Oh boy thats when the shit started flowing down hill right in my lap. Him and his mother both trying to make me feel guilty and make me feel like going to NY was my fault. I didn't take any of it on but damn it was a long drive home. I dropped them off at his house at 9 am and deleted his info from my phone before I even left his driveway. What an ass! Ugh!
So anyways, needless to say I am leaving that long winded BS in 2011 and not carrying that drama into my life in this new year. So it was an adventure, a struggle and crazy ride but I stayed strong and survived it. So now... I move on...over and out!