SHOWWWW-TIME-UH!
[Editor's Note: I apologize for the extreme hugeness of this entry. I had to do the day justice, though. I just had to. It's worth a read if you have the time. Free up the calendar.]
Oh man today rocked.
To settle all disputes to the contrary (and surprisingly, there actually were some - there are some tight-ass people out there. Funophobes, you know), and just to make absolutely sure that everyone fully understands: Pirate Versus Ninja Day is teh AWESOME.
I got to sleep at a reasonable hour last night and was able to get up slightly early to assemble my costume. One of the best parts was finding a shirt of my sister's that was ideal for my ninja headgear, because it was both practical and very kickass. My indestructible Bo Staff Of Truth was the first of my strokes of genius - I spotted it on my way out the door after I was panicking to find a sword. That's right, I found something even better.
I drove my sister to school in full ninja regalia, and we both laughed at the looks I was attracting. You know how they're tearing the shit out of the pavement on Moodie? We were driving down there and this guy operating a jackhammer actually stopped, tipped his helmet up, and stared open-mouthed at me as I drove by with my grinning sister in the back. I gave him a badass ninja salute and continued on my way. It's so hilarious to imagine what he must have been thinking when he saw a ninja driving a little girl down the street.
I dropped my sister off and arrived at our school and parked beside Meisha's car. That's when the second of my genius ideas hit me: my name. I mean, every ninja has to have a fear-inspiring, makes-you-want-to-shit-your-pants-it's-so-cool handle, right? Well mine is that good. You ready?
I was Wasabi the Spicy Pimp Ninja.
I know. It amazes even me. Change your underwear already.
I went in and the gangsters in the hallway were all like "Yo, look at this guy. What's with the ninja, guy?" and I was like (in my gravelly Solid Snake-inspired Japanese accent) "It's-uh Pirate Versus Ninja Day-aru!" and they didn't know what I was talking about, so I crushed their skulls with my thighs and went to our lockers.
I was greeted by an assortment of fellow honourable ninja warriors, among them The Legendary Sunset Blossom (Kim) and Cock-San (Tom). Cock-San graced my bottom with an alteration that made my LC pants say "I Heart NINJA", and we were ready for battle.
I did the announcements with Steve in my mildly offensive accent, and we were pleased by a visit from Captain Ass The Magnificent (Julian), doing his not-best pirate accent. It was pretty fun.
Then I did my french presentation in my ninja outfit. I just wore a suit jacket overtop. I was so undercover.
Drama was uneventful (except that our set ROCKS! UNH!) and then...at long last...the actual event came.
I sat and meditated on universal harmony and cosmic peace before entering the battlefield, filled with justice, courage, and a good supply of kickass.
Just as I arrived and surveyed my fellow warriors, evaluating their apparent strength and skill (which, sadly, was lacking, judging by the shit costumes they threw together), I saw our weapons sitting in two water-filled tubs at our end of the battlefield.
I then took stock of our surroundings: we stood on a grassy plain. The sky was heavy with ominous grey clouds, and a fine mist of rain had begun to fall.
As I made my way over to the Ninja Camp's centre and greeted our impartial general, Dirty Pete The Rhubarb Farmer, we saw them.
The pirates! They had assembled at the far end of the field and were advancing on the Ninja Camp without warning! A wall of pirates, brandishing wet sponges and bad cases of scurvy, were marching towards us, gaining speed and "Yarrr"-ing loudly. Shouting, we quickly armed ourselves and rushed out to meet them in glorious combat.
It was pandemonium.
Sponges flew everywhere! Curses sailed through the air as pirate and ninja alike were engulfed in a cloud of spraying water and bright blood. Screaming, I hurled my sponge at a passing pirate and watched it ricochet off the side of his neck, slapping a gout of blood through the rain. There were my brethren, leaping and running, their black attire making them almost invisible against the green of the wet grass. There were the pirates, running at random and throwing sponges in all directions, laughing with the pure glee of the kill.
I watched a ninja float along a foot above the ground and crack a swashbuckler's neck, only to be whacked out of the air by another pirate. I was running. I was screaming. I could taste blood and I was soaked to the bone.
I was in heaven.
But then, inexplicably, the fighting took a turn for the worse.
I spied Irascible Asia Kong (Keegan) as he leapt through the slashing rain and whipped a sponge at a pirate. I was shocked to see that it missed, and the pirate did not fall. Instead, she kept coming, and though he tried valiantly to dodge her, she was too wild with bloodlust and I watched in horror as her sponge hit Irascible Asia Kong in the spine, knocking him to the ground with a crack that was audible even from where I stood.
As I screamed his name, watching his reflective red sunglasses shatter on the ground in front of his face, I sped toward him.
I felt a hand hold me back! A pirate, a filthy pirate whose rank breath washed over my face as she grabbed me and twisted me to face her, laughed maniacally and squeezed the entire contents of her sponge down my side.
I could do nothing. I was lost. I felt my chi draining from my body as I sank to my knees. I saw pirates, who has noticed my weakness and were rushing over to help with my demise.
I felt their sponges release down the top of my head, and I closed my eyes and fell.
I awoke, I know not how long after. The battle still raged around me. How I had survived was a mystery to me, but by some ninja miracle, I was able to summon the strength to stand.
I spotted my would-be killer not far off, cackling as she ripped a ninja's arm off, ignoring his screams. Now fully the ninja I was before, I ran towards her and yelled. She turned, and seeing my approach, readied herself for impact. I plowed into her at full speed, channeling my ninja energies into the force of my muscle. When the hit came, I felt her bones crush under me. I shifted my momentum so that I rolled off her and landed gracefully in the grass. She was, amazingly, still standing, though her shocked expression betrayed the severity of her injuries.
She tried to speak and spat blood. I stood and moved over to finish her, out of mercy.
Unexpectedly, unbelieveably, I felt a huge weight of water crash down on my shoulders. I turned, falling, to see several grinning pirates holding their entire tub, now empty, aloft over me.
I collapsed, and with my last breath I cursed the Bitch Pirate forever. Then I closed my eyes and, feeling the rain caress my cheek, embraced ninja death.
...Ahem.
Yeah, that's pretty much how it went. It was that badass, anyway. Yeah, that story is totally unaltered. Absolutely nothing but cold, hard facts right there.
So anyway I was pretty wet and I went home to change. That was the end of Wasabi the Spicy Pimp Ninja. But someday...perhaps someday soon...he will return to exert supreme ninja justice on all those who challenge the fundamental laws of our society.
J-Rock out.
Oh man today rocked.
To settle all disputes to the contrary (and surprisingly, there actually were some - there are some tight-ass people out there. Funophobes, you know), and just to make absolutely sure that everyone fully understands: Pirate Versus Ninja Day is teh AWESOME.
I got to sleep at a reasonable hour last night and was able to get up slightly early to assemble my costume. One of the best parts was finding a shirt of my sister's that was ideal for my ninja headgear, because it was both practical and very kickass. My indestructible Bo Staff Of Truth was the first of my strokes of genius - I spotted it on my way out the door after I was panicking to find a sword. That's right, I found something even better.
I drove my sister to school in full ninja regalia, and we both laughed at the looks I was attracting. You know how they're tearing the shit out of the pavement on Moodie? We were driving down there and this guy operating a jackhammer actually stopped, tipped his helmet up, and stared open-mouthed at me as I drove by with my grinning sister in the back. I gave him a badass ninja salute and continued on my way. It's so hilarious to imagine what he must have been thinking when he saw a ninja driving a little girl down the street.
I dropped my sister off and arrived at our school and parked beside Meisha's car. That's when the second of my genius ideas hit me: my name. I mean, every ninja has to have a fear-inspiring, makes-you-want-to-shit-your-pants-it's-so-cool handle, right? Well mine is that good. You ready?
I was Wasabi the Spicy Pimp Ninja.
I know. It amazes even me. Change your underwear already.
I went in and the gangsters in the hallway were all like "Yo, look at this guy. What's with the ninja, guy?" and I was like (in my gravelly Solid Snake-inspired Japanese accent) "It's-uh Pirate Versus Ninja Day-aru!" and they didn't know what I was talking about, so I crushed their skulls with my thighs and went to our lockers.
I was greeted by an assortment of fellow honourable ninja warriors, among them The Legendary Sunset Blossom (Kim) and Cock-San (Tom). Cock-San graced my bottom with an alteration that made my LC pants say "I Heart NINJA", and we were ready for battle.
I did the announcements with Steve in my mildly offensive accent, and we were pleased by a visit from Captain Ass The Magnificent (Julian), doing his not-best pirate accent. It was pretty fun.
Then I did my french presentation in my ninja outfit. I just wore a suit jacket overtop. I was so undercover.
Drama was uneventful (except that our set ROCKS! UNH!) and then...at long last...the actual event came.
I sat and meditated on universal harmony and cosmic peace before entering the battlefield, filled with justice, courage, and a good supply of kickass.
Just as I arrived and surveyed my fellow warriors, evaluating their apparent strength and skill (which, sadly, was lacking, judging by the shit costumes they threw together), I saw our weapons sitting in two water-filled tubs at our end of the battlefield.
I then took stock of our surroundings: we stood on a grassy plain. The sky was heavy with ominous grey clouds, and a fine mist of rain had begun to fall.
As I made my way over to the Ninja Camp's centre and greeted our impartial general, Dirty Pete The Rhubarb Farmer, we saw them.
The pirates! They had assembled at the far end of the field and were advancing on the Ninja Camp without warning! A wall of pirates, brandishing wet sponges and bad cases of scurvy, were marching towards us, gaining speed and "Yarrr"-ing loudly. Shouting, we quickly armed ourselves and rushed out to meet them in glorious combat.
It was pandemonium.
Sponges flew everywhere! Curses sailed through the air as pirate and ninja alike were engulfed in a cloud of spraying water and bright blood. Screaming, I hurled my sponge at a passing pirate and watched it ricochet off the side of his neck, slapping a gout of blood through the rain. There were my brethren, leaping and running, their black attire making them almost invisible against the green of the wet grass. There were the pirates, running at random and throwing sponges in all directions, laughing with the pure glee of the kill.
I watched a ninja float along a foot above the ground and crack a swashbuckler's neck, only to be whacked out of the air by another pirate. I was running. I was screaming. I could taste blood and I was soaked to the bone.
I was in heaven.
But then, inexplicably, the fighting took a turn for the worse.
I spied Irascible Asia Kong (Keegan) as he leapt through the slashing rain and whipped a sponge at a pirate. I was shocked to see that it missed, and the pirate did not fall. Instead, she kept coming, and though he tried valiantly to dodge her, she was too wild with bloodlust and I watched in horror as her sponge hit Irascible Asia Kong in the spine, knocking him to the ground with a crack that was audible even from where I stood.
As I screamed his name, watching his reflective red sunglasses shatter on the ground in front of his face, I sped toward him.
I felt a hand hold me back! A pirate, a filthy pirate whose rank breath washed over my face as she grabbed me and twisted me to face her, laughed maniacally and squeezed the entire contents of her sponge down my side.
I could do nothing. I was lost. I felt my chi draining from my body as I sank to my knees. I saw pirates, who has noticed my weakness and were rushing over to help with my demise.
I felt their sponges release down the top of my head, and I closed my eyes and fell.
I awoke, I know not how long after. The battle still raged around me. How I had survived was a mystery to me, but by some ninja miracle, I was able to summon the strength to stand.
I spotted my would-be killer not far off, cackling as she ripped a ninja's arm off, ignoring his screams. Now fully the ninja I was before, I ran towards her and yelled. She turned, and seeing my approach, readied herself for impact. I plowed into her at full speed, channeling my ninja energies into the force of my muscle. When the hit came, I felt her bones crush under me. I shifted my momentum so that I rolled off her and landed gracefully in the grass. She was, amazingly, still standing, though her shocked expression betrayed the severity of her injuries.
She tried to speak and spat blood. I stood and moved over to finish her, out of mercy.
Unexpectedly, unbelieveably, I felt a huge weight of water crash down on my shoulders. I turned, falling, to see several grinning pirates holding their entire tub, now empty, aloft over me.
I collapsed, and with my last breath I cursed the Bitch Pirate forever. Then I closed my eyes and, feeling the rain caress my cheek, embraced ninja death.
...Ahem.
Yeah, that's pretty much how it went. It was that badass, anyway. Yeah, that story is totally unaltered. Absolutely nothing but cold, hard facts right there.
So anyway I was pretty wet and I went home to change. That was the end of Wasabi the Spicy Pimp Ninja. But someday...perhaps someday soon...he will return to exert supreme ninja justice on all those who challenge the fundamental laws of our society.
J-Rock out.