Bullies, or Who Stole My Ukulele? (2)
Continuing with the bullying posts...
( Part 1 can be read here.)
I'll posit that there are two types of bullies, whether or not they are exclusive entities from each other or simply two aspects of one behavior I'm not too worried about at the moment. For want of better terms I'll call one the Predatory Bully and the other the Herd Bully.
Also as I go through and put my students’ behavior under the microscope don’t imagine that I’m holding myself separate or above them. Too often I've encountered myself while dealing with my students.
The Predatory Bully
You know the phrase "I wouldn't cross the street to pee on so-and-so even if they were on fire". It's generally used to show one's level of contempt and loathing at another person. Well, the predatory bully is the opposite of them.
They'd cross the street to pee on you simply because you're having a nice day.
These are the people who can’t bear to see others happy or having a good time without feeling the need to stop and crush it for no reason other than their, the bullies, own desire to get back at the world because they’ve been bullied themselves. As an adult the predatory bully might simply be a criminal, but he or she could also be the type to destroy a person's enthusiasm in order to boost their own egos. (In a recent blog post the writer Robert Twigger gave these folks the sci-fi sounding name of "Energy Pirate".)
The worst male bully at one of my schools is this type.
He’s a small kid who I suspect is quite smart but he has learning disabilities (ADHD and possibly dyslexia) that make school and sitting still difficult, an older and also small for his age brother that is himself bullied at his school and subsequently comes home and bullies his brother, my student, and both of whom live a hand-to-mouth existence that’s likely one stroke -- they live with their grandmother -- away from them being homeless. To say the kid has issues is an understatement, but to empathize with his plight is one thing, to tolerate his behavior is another.
The Herd Bully
Another common type that shows up regularly among male and female students, these are the bullies whose insecurities get the better of them. These are also the bullies we encounter most often as adults as they police societal norms.
The worst female bully is this type.
She’s smart and talented, but lacks the confidence to be her own person, so she’s made herself the Number 2 in her clique which is the alpha-clique in her class. If she perceives any threat to her position, she’s quick to lash out and, with her words, get the group against the offending person. If someone is in a weaker position and she thinks she can get away with it, she’ll exploit it in an effort to shore up her own position or if doing so will elevate her own status. It’s a bit sad to see on a number of fronts. The fact that she's lived abroad gets exploited by the other students who say she’s not Korean but Canadian (actually they says “She is Canada-people”), so it’s easy to see where her insecurity comes from.
I've learned it’s a rare student who has the confidence to go along with their excellence. Hell, it’s a rare person who has the two hand in hand. But again, it's one thing to empathize, it's another thing to tolerate. In both these cases the student's teacher has stepped in and actively tried to right both these behaviors. From what I've noticed the teacher has been successful.
On a side note, a lot of people talk about the differences between “Eastern” and “Western” mind-sets, and I think too much gets made out of this. Yeah, personality is a cultural construct, and group identity might be stronger in the “East”, and the “West” tolerates more overall, if superficial, atomization among its populace, but both cultures have their norms and to be perceived as somehow outside the norm allows oneself to be open to attack. It’s a rare bully that exists in isolation and even wolves have packs. So regardless of culture one lesson most people learn early in life is that it’s best not to stand out but stay within the group, or within the limits that the group deems appropriate.
This is why I find this stuff fascinating because it's not like it goes away. The schoolyard bully remains with us, as does the hurt experienced by the bully's victim, and as adults these experiences determine our character and behavior in so much as we operate without self-awareness and run on autopilot letting our accumulated assumptions and default settings guide our actions.
Up next, the workplace! And finally, the Ukulele Story!
And in case any of you are currently being bullied, here's a video one of my students showed me.
Remember, never underestimate the kick to the groin!
(Actually my student showed me the Korean-dubbed version. It was like they went to central casting and found an Italian "hood" and taught him Korean.)
( Part 1 can be read here.)
I'll posit that there are two types of bullies, whether or not they are exclusive entities from each other or simply two aspects of one behavior I'm not too worried about at the moment. For want of better terms I'll call one the Predatory Bully and the other the Herd Bully.
Also as I go through and put my students’ behavior under the microscope don’t imagine that I’m holding myself separate or above them. Too often I've encountered myself while dealing with my students.
The Predatory Bully
You know the phrase "I wouldn't cross the street to pee on so-and-so even if they were on fire". It's generally used to show one's level of contempt and loathing at another person. Well, the predatory bully is the opposite of them.
They'd cross the street to pee on you simply because you're having a nice day.
These are the people who can’t bear to see others happy or having a good time without feeling the need to stop and crush it for no reason other than their, the bullies, own desire to get back at the world because they’ve been bullied themselves. As an adult the predatory bully might simply be a criminal, but he or she could also be the type to destroy a person's enthusiasm in order to boost their own egos. (In a recent blog post the writer Robert Twigger gave these folks the sci-fi sounding name of "Energy Pirate".)
The worst male bully at one of my schools is this type.
He’s a small kid who I suspect is quite smart but he has learning disabilities (ADHD and possibly dyslexia) that make school and sitting still difficult, an older and also small for his age brother that is himself bullied at his school and subsequently comes home and bullies his brother, my student, and both of whom live a hand-to-mouth existence that’s likely one stroke -- they live with their grandmother -- away from them being homeless. To say the kid has issues is an understatement, but to empathize with his plight is one thing, to tolerate his behavior is another.
The Herd Bully
Another common type that shows up regularly among male and female students, these are the bullies whose insecurities get the better of them. These are also the bullies we encounter most often as adults as they police societal norms.
The worst female bully is this type.
She’s smart and talented, but lacks the confidence to be her own person, so she’s made herself the Number 2 in her clique which is the alpha-clique in her class. If she perceives any threat to her position, she’s quick to lash out and, with her words, get the group against the offending person. If someone is in a weaker position and she thinks she can get away with it, she’ll exploit it in an effort to shore up her own position or if doing so will elevate her own status. It’s a bit sad to see on a number of fronts. The fact that she's lived abroad gets exploited by the other students who say she’s not Korean but Canadian (actually they says “She is Canada-people”), so it’s easy to see where her insecurity comes from.
I've learned it’s a rare student who has the confidence to go along with their excellence. Hell, it’s a rare person who has the two hand in hand. But again, it's one thing to empathize, it's another thing to tolerate. In both these cases the student's teacher has stepped in and actively tried to right both these behaviors. From what I've noticed the teacher has been successful.
On a side note, a lot of people talk about the differences between “Eastern” and “Western” mind-sets, and I think too much gets made out of this. Yeah, personality is a cultural construct, and group identity might be stronger in the “East”, and the “West” tolerates more overall, if superficial, atomization among its populace, but both cultures have their norms and to be perceived as somehow outside the norm allows oneself to be open to attack. It’s a rare bully that exists in isolation and even wolves have packs. So regardless of culture one lesson most people learn early in life is that it’s best not to stand out but stay within the group, or within the limits that the group deems appropriate.
This is why I find this stuff fascinating because it's not like it goes away. The schoolyard bully remains with us, as does the hurt experienced by the bully's victim, and as adults these experiences determine our character and behavior in so much as we operate without self-awareness and run on autopilot letting our accumulated assumptions and default settings guide our actions.
Up next, the workplace! And finally, the Ukulele Story!
And in case any of you are currently being bullied, here's a video one of my students showed me.
Remember, never underestimate the kick to the groin!
Click to view(Actually my student showed me the Korean-dubbed version. It was like they went to central casting and found an Italian "hood" and taught him Korean.)