I think you need to work some things out. It looks like Brian was okay with you being in SF if you followed certain rules but he thinks you broke them and that brings back for him unpleasant associations.
Justin, maybe this is the time to talk about the agreement again and signatures.
What was going on that you were away for a long time?
It does sound to me like he's hoping that you'll be back but he's trying to crush that hope because he's afraid of hurting.
I don't think signing something will make a difference. We've both been living by those rules - for a while now.
I wasn't away all that long. A month about in SF, but then I had to work in TO and when Brian was at the WVA house, I often stayed in PA. Our paths just didn't cross easily.
Christmas is a different story. That was my fault. I can own that one.
Justin, you know I adore you (and Brian in his own way--sort of at careful arms length) but I have to be honest and say that you tricking or whatever at a party when you explicitly promised Brian you would not on that occasion makes me uncomfortable. Keeping promises are important to Brian and he's probably afraid now that you'll break more of them and they'll hurt. You guys and the tricking are a balanced stack of plates that can fall over at any time, hurting you both. It takes tricky (forgive the pun) handling.
And his hiring this woman (I don't know the details) might have been partially for practical reasons, but he should have told you probably.
It's like I did something that pissed you off and then you did something to get back at me. And on and on
( ... )
I told you a long time ago that a relationship takes a lot of hard work and that money will not mean much. It is time to put your family first and your "jobs" second. You were both very stubborn about the whole, I have no time for travel because of work, thing. It sounds like the time has come to shit or get off the pot. You two need to decide if you want to be together then do whatever it takes to be together.
Sorry to be so blunt. I must be channeling Brian today.
Justin, Jan's right. Brian's making an issue out of the Halloween SF event but it's not that specific thing that has him upset, it's what the "breaking of the rules" signifies to him and what that means for your possible future together.
It's that push & pull reaction. I think he wants to be together but those mixed signals he's throwing show me he's also trying to keep himself from getting hurt again by putting some distance between you both emotionally.
I don't know why you were apart so long and what really transpired, but you need to find a way to win his trust back and being in Pitts, without the whole extended family there, is a vital first step.
Keep a positive outlook and be persistent, it's always been one of your best traits.
Honey, trust is an ongoing issue in every relationship, and Brian is definitely more skittish than most.
I see he admitted he wants you back in the Pitts with him, which is a huge admission from him. Focus on that as your positive, not the other bullshit you were bickering about!
I am so sorry that things aren't great between you and Brian right now. I think (reading between the lines) that Brian is acting like he doesn't care what you do and keeping you at arm's length to protect himself for being hurt even more. I seem to remember that this is a fairly normal reaction on his part to try to keep his emotions hidden or at least to deflect the pain with anger. I hope you both can work it out. I think actual communication by both of you is going to be necessary to resolve this. (That means you both need to talk honestly and cannot just snipe at one another and pretend that it is talking). I am sure hoping that you both can look past your hurt and go to work to save the future. You know that we love you both and it makes me sad to think that you are not happy. I will be sending all my hopes to both of you to work this out as soon as you can.
We are trying. And for all the bullshit, I know we are committed to one another. He just makes me so mad sometimes and I guess I kind of piss him off too.
I saw this before I saw whatever back-and-forth is going on tonight.
Having just returned from "Pal Joey" with a friend who is going through a potential break-up and needed to seriously supply me with issues I didn't really want to know but need to in order to respond as a good friend, and to supply the proverbial friend shoulder... I'm kind of stressed. So I imagine you're pretty exhausted.
Okay, I'm just going to read and see what's up and nod a lot. I'm a bit burnt out on responding to the gay-guy-rules-or-lack-thereof negotiation thing right now, guess you can understand that.
Stockard Channing rocked, but PJ is not exactly woman-friendly and it hurt my feminine sensibilities, on top of trying to respond in the best interest of both my friends when I have no clue how to do that.
I'll respond this way: You and Brian are in for a bit of work if you think it's worth it.
ps - oh, sorry, I should add that my friend's gay and having ongoing issues with his live-in boyfriend. So it's not you having the "gay-guy-rules-or-lack-thereof negotiation thing" problems, or, I should say, you're in very good company, apparently.
Not to pry, but I wouldn't mind hearing about their rules or lack thereof. Lately, it seems everybody is either into monogamy (with the condition of no break-up for a little slip less often than annually) or total openness with a few venue restrictions. Is your friend (or friend's boyfriend) more inventive?
You've pretty much nailed the issue. There are different expectations/needs that are and are not getting met. But I think it comes down to an accommodation/communication issue that seems to be non-negotiable and not even really under discussion on one end while the other end is trying to do all the work that requires two in a negotiation/communication process
( ... )
Comments 30
Justin, maybe this is the time to talk about the agreement again and signatures.
What was going on that you were away for a long time?
It does sound to me like he's hoping that you'll be back but he's trying to crush that hope because he's afraid of hurting.
Reply
I wasn't away all that long. A month about in SF, but then I had to work in TO and when Brian was at the WVA house, I often stayed in PA. Our paths just didn't cross easily.
Christmas is a different story. That was my fault. I can own that one.
Reply
And his hiring this woman (I don't know the details) might have been partially for practical reasons, but he should have told you probably.
It's like I did something that pissed you off and then you did something to get back at me. And on and on ( ... )
Reply
He totally should have told me about hiring help for Lindsay and all. I had been doing that and it wasn't right of him not to tell me ahead of time.
I'm just so tired of the tension.
Reply
Sorry to be so blunt. I must be channeling Brian today.
Chelle
Reply
The rest - I can't deal with it right now.
Reply
It's that push & pull reaction. I think he wants to be together but those mixed signals he's throwing show me he's also trying to keep himself from getting hurt again by putting some distance between you both emotionally.
I don't know why you were apart so long and what really transpired, but you need to find a way to win his trust back and being in Pitts, without the whole extended family there, is a vital first step.
Keep a positive outlook and be persistent, it's always been one of your best traits.
Reply
Reply
I see he admitted he wants you back in the Pitts with him, which is a huge admission from him. Focus on that as your positive, not the other bullshit you were bickering about!
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
I saw this before I saw whatever back-and-forth is going on tonight.
Having just returned from "Pal Joey" with a friend who is going through a potential break-up and needed to seriously supply me with issues I didn't really want to know but need to in order to respond as a good friend, and to supply the proverbial friend shoulder... I'm kind of stressed. So I imagine you're pretty exhausted.
Okay, I'm just going to read and see what's up and nod a lot. I'm a bit burnt out on responding to the gay-guy-rules-or-lack-thereof negotiation thing right now, guess you can understand that.
Stockard Channing rocked, but PJ is not exactly woman-friendly and it hurt my feminine sensibilities, on top of trying to respond in the best interest of both my friends when I have no clue how to do that.
I'll respond this way: You and Brian are in for a bit of work if you think it's worth it.
That's all.
*cries a bit*
*off to read what's going on and nod a lot*
*nodz*
Reply
Reply
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment