Giving In
I have found myself continually checking my phone for an answer from Andie, or checking my hotmail for an e-mail or the signs of a reply to one of my posts or comment. I am still quite drawn to her, I still care about her, and want her in my life, but I know I can't. I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I just took her back like I've done continually. I keep trying to stay away, but her presence allures me, even though I haven't seen her in days. Just the thought of seeing her or hearing from her makes me, only at times, happy. (**As a disclaimer ~ This post isn't necessarily reflecting how I feel all the time, I wanted to say how I felt and get away from the anger and tension that I feel more often than this current post**) Today she was sleeping for a lot of the day, and I kept checking my phone, my e-mail, and msn to see whether she was on, or whether she left me a message or I missed a call or something and I'm not even completely sure why. I think I miss her, but I'm not sure...maybe I just miss the comfort she used to give me. I want to hear from her, but yet I don't because when I do I begin to refill with anger(if it isn't already there). But it's nice when I see a message from her, in many ways it still lets me know that she cares and lately, gives me signs that she's trying. I want to believe that she's trying, and I want to believe that she's going to change, but I can't believe her. The last two days, I've come home from school and just sat on the couch being extremely bored. I was trying to remember what I used to do at that time, and it was spent with Andie. I used to value my time alone, especially when Andie was here continually, because I never got it very often and it was a time for me to relax. But much of that has changed now. My time alone is spent thinking about her, the good and the bad....but mainly the bad. My time alone is spent wondering if she's going to call me, if she's going to e-mail me, if she's going to think about me, what is she doing, what is she thinking. I continually hope it's nothing to hurt me again, but my pessimistic mind won't allow me to believe she isn't. I don't want to think of her like that anymore, but it's unavoidable. These last two months have been downhill quite fast. From Wal-Mart to the break up to the possibility of losing my scholarship to the continual pain to the loneliness. I think I can honestly say I haven't had a completely happy day since February. We were caught at Wal-Mart on March 1st, and that basically symbolized our eventual downfall. It took a couple weeks before we broke up, but it was all spent worrying about what would happen to us in court. This reminds me that I have court this coming Monday. It sucks Andie and I aren't going through it together. I seriously thought we would have since we committed it and it was one crime, but we're going separately and not by choice. I am mainly only able to say I wanted to go through it with her right now because I'm at a calm state...I'm only ever in this for a short period of time each day, but I figured I better capture it while I still have it in my mind before I start journaling about the ultimate void that has become my life.
Finals week is next week. I have papers to finish writing and projects to finish up. There's so much going on between school and Andie, and it's hard to motivate myself again. I want to just be able to forget for a while. I wanted to drop contact with her for the next two weeks so I could just focus on school and not worry about my problems with her, but it's not helping. I can only think about her and the abyss of my heart. I'm trying to focus on school, but she's continually on my mind. I know I need to write papers, I know I need to work on my car recreation, I know I need to read, but I can't motivate myself because every 10 minutes I'm checking my e-mail to see if she's e-mailed me, to see if she's replied to anything I've said....to see if she still thinks about me. Part of my struggle isn't even dealing with everything she's done, it's dealing with myself and forcing myself to go without her. I know I need to move on and just try to live my life again and know that I can't be with her anymore. Minute parts of me want to, and I know that statement will anger people, but a slight part of me does....whether it's really wanting to be with her, or whether it's not wanting to be alone and feel the love her and I have....when we're alone.....and the moments we were able to capture. It's so hard to tell the difference. I'm coming down from my content state so I better end this now.....take care all, and stay safe
Finals week is next week. I have papers to finish writing and projects to finish up. There's so much going on between school and Andie, and it's hard to motivate myself again. I want to just be able to forget for a while. I wanted to drop contact with her for the next two weeks so I could just focus on school and not worry about my problems with her, but it's not helping. I can only think about her and the abyss of my heart. I'm trying to focus on school, but she's continually on my mind. I know I need to write papers, I know I need to work on my car recreation, I know I need to read, but I can't motivate myself because every 10 minutes I'm checking my e-mail to see if she's e-mailed me, to see if she's replied to anything I've said....to see if she still thinks about me. Part of my struggle isn't even dealing with everything she's done, it's dealing with myself and forcing myself to go without her. I know I need to move on and just try to live my life again and know that I can't be with her anymore. Minute parts of me want to, and I know that statement will anger people, but a slight part of me does....whether it's really wanting to be with her, or whether it's not wanting to be alone and feel the love her and I have....when we're alone.....and the moments we were able to capture. It's so hard to tell the difference. I'm coming down from my content state so I better end this now.....take care all, and stay safe