(no subject)
This is going to be a bit of an awkward post.
I went to Concord today to finish that paperwork they wanted from me.
I got there... And the door was locked and I must have waited a good ten or fifteen minutes on the phone with voltei, before I could come in.
And I was there... for maybe... three minutes before I left.
I should have gone without a wig because I don't think Michael really cared that much. xD
(And all this time I thought his name was Scott. -snicker-)
But then I came home and enjoyed the trip home.
Chapter 2 of [Condemned] is done. :D
It studies Zhangpo's relationship with food versus the pact he made with Ifrit and the consequences of such.
I'm not really very open about my religious thoughts or theories. In fact, I so rarely bring up things like this because it's a bit controversial.
I was never very big on going to churches or things like that.
At any rate, I did something last night I haven't done for three years.
I prayed.
I only do this when things are exceptionally bad and I don't know what else to do.
I prayed for so many things. I prayed for so many ways to better myself, to better who I am.
And then a part of me considered that this morning.
If I'm to better myself, I shouldn't rely on other people so much, right? That sort of means I'm not allowed to pray either, because it points me in the direction of depending on Supreme Beings.
I'm at a stalemate with my heart and my logic.
I'm writing this here, because I know I can't colloquially say things the way I want to.
You mean so much to me. I... can't exactly express that enough. You, Jei, and Zell are my entire world. I honestly couldn't cope without the three of you. You guys have saved me so many times from horrible predicaments and you guys go to such great and extreme lengths to make sure I'm happy. I... appreciate it.
I also know, however, that I don't give back enough. You guys often tell me that I don't have to do anything, and that I do enough, but I feel like I really don't.
I'm so sorry for exploding all over you last night.
I'm sorry for the rude things I said.
I'm sorry for acting so out of line, for acting so unbecoming.
I was upset when you yelled at me, but everything you said was true. I knew it at the time, and I know it now.
You had every right to react the way you did.
You have every right to be frustrated with me.
There were so many things I wanted to say to you.
I wanted to tell you everything in my heart. I wanted you to be able to hear everything, but... I... just couldn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. There are so many things holding me back. Zell and Jei said that there's no logic when it comes to feelings and sentimental concepts, but I want to believe I can use analysis somewhere there. Maybe that's what's stopping me.
You guys deserve so much better, though.
I turned down your offer to take me to BART this morning, because I honestly felt so ashamed of myself and my behaviour last night that I was a bit afraid of being with you. I was afraid I'd say something more stupid than I did last night. I felt like I humiliated myself. I felt like such a fool. I needed the time to myself to reflect on me as a person, on what I need to do to better myself, and on what I need to do to get to where I want to be.
I don't have a right to complain. There are so many people who have it worse than I do.
I... I don't really know how to express myself, I suppose. So it all builds up and I... turn into a volcano.
I want to learn how to calm down. I want to learn how to not stress over everything. I want to learn how to see things through eyes that are not mine.
These are things I will work on. It's not simply a want anymore. It's not simply a desire. It has to happen. It will happen.
That is the mentality I need for all things.
These things will happen.
These things will take place.
Thank you, Sam.
The things you said last night... No matter how hurt I might have been... I really needed to hear them.
And from one friend to another, I love you.
I went to Concord today to finish that paperwork they wanted from me.
I got there... And the door was locked and I must have waited a good ten or fifteen minutes on the phone with voltei, before I could come in.
And I was there... for maybe... three minutes before I left.
I should have gone without a wig because I don't think Michael really cared that much. xD
(And all this time I thought his name was Scott. -snicker-)
But then I came home and enjoyed the trip home.
Chapter 2 of [Condemned] is done. :D
It studies Zhangpo's relationship with food versus the pact he made with Ifrit and the consequences of such.
I'm not really very open about my religious thoughts or theories. In fact, I so rarely bring up things like this because it's a bit controversial.
I was never very big on going to churches or things like that.
At any rate, I did something last night I haven't done for three years.
I prayed.
I only do this when things are exceptionally bad and I don't know what else to do.
I prayed for so many things. I prayed for so many ways to better myself, to better who I am.
And then a part of me considered that this morning.
If I'm to better myself, I shouldn't rely on other people so much, right? That sort of means I'm not allowed to pray either, because it points me in the direction of depending on Supreme Beings.
I'm at a stalemate with my heart and my logic.
I'm writing this here, because I know I can't colloquially say things the way I want to.
You mean so much to me. I... can't exactly express that enough. You, Jei, and Zell are my entire world. I honestly couldn't cope without the three of you. You guys have saved me so many times from horrible predicaments and you guys go to such great and extreme lengths to make sure I'm happy. I... appreciate it.
I also know, however, that I don't give back enough. You guys often tell me that I don't have to do anything, and that I do enough, but I feel like I really don't.
I'm so sorry for exploding all over you last night.
I'm sorry for the rude things I said.
I'm sorry for acting so out of line, for acting so unbecoming.
I was upset when you yelled at me, but everything you said was true. I knew it at the time, and I know it now.
You had every right to react the way you did.
You have every right to be frustrated with me.
There were so many things I wanted to say to you.
I wanted to tell you everything in my heart. I wanted you to be able to hear everything, but... I... just couldn't. I don't know if I'll ever be able to. There are so many things holding me back. Zell and Jei said that there's no logic when it comes to feelings and sentimental concepts, but I want to believe I can use analysis somewhere there. Maybe that's what's stopping me.
You guys deserve so much better, though.
I turned down your offer to take me to BART this morning, because I honestly felt so ashamed of myself and my behaviour last night that I was a bit afraid of being with you. I was afraid I'd say something more stupid than I did last night. I felt like I humiliated myself. I felt like such a fool. I needed the time to myself to reflect on me as a person, on what I need to do to better myself, and on what I need to do to get to where I want to be.
I don't have a right to complain. There are so many people who have it worse than I do.
I... I don't really know how to express myself, I suppose. So it all builds up and I... turn into a volcano.
I want to learn how to calm down. I want to learn how to not stress over everything. I want to learn how to see things through eyes that are not mine.
These are things I will work on. It's not simply a want anymore. It's not simply a desire. It has to happen. It will happen.
That is the mentality I need for all things.
These things will happen.
These things will take place.
Thank you, Sam.
The things you said last night... No matter how hurt I might have been... I really needed to hear them.
And from one friend to another, I love you.