(no subject)
I've been thinking... and if you don't want to read about it, you don't have to. I'll cut it.
I've been thinking about love. Yes, love, mainly because my dear Katie posted something about the rollercoaster of love... yes, the song. I've decided that it really is like a rollercoaster: you've got your euphoric highs, where you feel infinite, and then you have your depressive lows, where you feel like you could never be happy again. Being with someone you really care about is the best feeling in the world. You're always happy, you're smiling, and you feel like nothing could ever go wrong. But once they leave you, that's when the pain starts. You take that wonderful, euphoric feeling and you push it to the other end of the spectrum. You're hurt, depressed, and alone. You feel like you could never trust anyone again.
I don't know if I've experienced love or not. I really couldn't tell you. What I can tell you is that I had found someone that I really cared about, someone that made me happy and liked me for me (Hey, Leonardo! Ahem.) We spent 10 months together and I'd have to say that those were the best 10 months of my life: I was happy, carefree and felt loved. Once he broke up with me, I was lost and afraid. I started to question everything he'd ever done or ever told me. Did he really care when he said he did? Was he just lying to me this entire time? 2 months after we broke up, he told me that he wasn't over me yet. We had just gotten into a big fight about him hitting on one of my friends, and he said that he didn't want to lose my friendship over something as stupid as that. Apparently, he was lying and my friendship doesn't mean much to him because he doesn't talk to me anymore.
Anyways. That was 7 months ago. Although it's been quite a bit of time, I'm not sure I'm quite over him yet. Just as being with him was the best 10 months of my life, the past 7 months have been the worst of my life. There are days when I hate his guts and wish he would leave my mind, and then there are days where I wish he'd come back. I was depressed and I didn't have many people there for me. Even my closest friends were telling me to suck it up and move on. What kind of friends are those when they can't even be there for you when you're at your worst? I don't think I've cried over something as much as I've cried over him. Now that I think about it, I'm really pathetic. No, no, not pathetic. I just really cared about him and I don't think he appreciated that.
The other day, I saw something that caused me to believe that he has another girlfriend. It was like a big slap in the face to me. Yes, yes, I know. It's been 7 months, I'm pathetic and I need to move on. I KNOW. Geeze. But it also made me think. I was wondering if he would tell her the things he told me, like she's the perfect girlfriend, how much he cares about her, and that he loves her...
Which brings me to my next point: DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. There are some people in this world who will believe you if you say it to them. I happen to be one of them. I guess I thought I was in love because he told me that he loved me. I really believed him. I was completely smitten and he broke my heart. Geeze, people. Why the hell do you all suck?
Ok, ok. You don't all suck. Only some of you.
People ask me if it's worth having a significant other. I tell them that I can't really say. The magnitude of pleasure a relationship brings is the same magnitude of pain that arrives when it ends. I don't know some if people are ready to handle the aftermath of a relationship. You have to be emotionally ready for the relationship and anything that comes with it. Is the pain really worth the pleasure? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all? I don't even know how to answer that. I know that I never want to feel this hurt and this pain ever again, but I know that I'll never get past it if I don't try to move on. I'm scared to put my trust into people and I'm scared to put my heart on the line again because that's how much it hurts.
I really rambled on, here... I don't think I've ever written that much, even for school. If you read all of that, I applaud you.
I don't want any nasty comments, please. This is just how I feel and what I've been thinking.
I've been thinking about love. Yes, love, mainly because my dear Katie posted something about the rollercoaster of love... yes, the song. I've decided that it really is like a rollercoaster: you've got your euphoric highs, where you feel infinite, and then you have your depressive lows, where you feel like you could never be happy again. Being with someone you really care about is the best feeling in the world. You're always happy, you're smiling, and you feel like nothing could ever go wrong. But once they leave you, that's when the pain starts. You take that wonderful, euphoric feeling and you push it to the other end of the spectrum. You're hurt, depressed, and alone. You feel like you could never trust anyone again.
I don't know if I've experienced love or not. I really couldn't tell you. What I can tell you is that I had found someone that I really cared about, someone that made me happy and liked me for me (Hey, Leonardo! Ahem.) We spent 10 months together and I'd have to say that those were the best 10 months of my life: I was happy, carefree and felt loved. Once he broke up with me, I was lost and afraid. I started to question everything he'd ever done or ever told me. Did he really care when he said he did? Was he just lying to me this entire time? 2 months after we broke up, he told me that he wasn't over me yet. We had just gotten into a big fight about him hitting on one of my friends, and he said that he didn't want to lose my friendship over something as stupid as that. Apparently, he was lying and my friendship doesn't mean much to him because he doesn't talk to me anymore.
Anyways. That was 7 months ago. Although it's been quite a bit of time, I'm not sure I'm quite over him yet. Just as being with him was the best 10 months of my life, the past 7 months have been the worst of my life. There are days when I hate his guts and wish he would leave my mind, and then there are days where I wish he'd come back. I was depressed and I didn't have many people there for me. Even my closest friends were telling me to suck it up and move on. What kind of friends are those when they can't even be there for you when you're at your worst? I don't think I've cried over something as much as I've cried over him. Now that I think about it, I'm really pathetic. No, no, not pathetic. I just really cared about him and I don't think he appreciated that.
The other day, I saw something that caused me to believe that he has another girlfriend. It was like a big slap in the face to me. Yes, yes, I know. It's been 7 months, I'm pathetic and I need to move on. I KNOW. Geeze. But it also made me think. I was wondering if he would tell her the things he told me, like she's the perfect girlfriend, how much he cares about her, and that he loves her...
Which brings me to my next point: DON'T SAY I LOVE YOU UNLESS YOU MEAN IT. There are some people in this world who will believe you if you say it to them. I happen to be one of them. I guess I thought I was in love because he told me that he loved me. I really believed him. I was completely smitten and he broke my heart. Geeze, people. Why the hell do you all suck?
Ok, ok. You don't all suck. Only some of you.
People ask me if it's worth having a significant other. I tell them that I can't really say. The magnitude of pleasure a relationship brings is the same magnitude of pain that arrives when it ends. I don't know some if people are ready to handle the aftermath of a relationship. You have to be emotionally ready for the relationship and anything that comes with it. Is the pain really worth the pleasure? Is it really better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all? I don't even know how to answer that. I know that I never want to feel this hurt and this pain ever again, but I know that I'll never get past it if I don't try to move on. I'm scared to put my trust into people and I'm scared to put my heart on the line again because that's how much it hurts.
I really rambled on, here... I don't think I've ever written that much, even for school. If you read all of that, I applaud you.
I don't want any nasty comments, please. This is just how I feel and what I've been thinking.