one generation plants the trees; another gets the shade.
of all my weaknesses (and i know i have many), the one i wish i could shake more than any other is my constant state of nostalgia and sadness (in my default setting, i am completely prepared to start bawling).
i'm so afraid that i will always feel this way. and honestly, when i consider the facts..i realize that yes, i will probably always feel this heavy-hearted sense of longing for the past. as i get older, i will experience loss harder and closer. i will have children, and i will experience their loss and hurt and eventually they will grow up, which will make me sadder than anything else. because really, is there anything sadder than growing up?
we're moving out of my house in the next week or so. all of our things are in boxes and the walls are bare. it makes being in my home more painful and bizarre than i can possibly describe. it's impossible not to get nostalgic when moving out of the house you've spent your entire life in, and i felt nostalgic for childhood before we assembled any cardboard boxes. so this is all a little much for me.
i don't want to grow up. i am doing so begrudgingly. i don't want to get old and have babies and retire and die. i don't want to die. and i just don't see how i'm going to avoid it.
i don't want my parents to die, and i know that i will live to see that. and that fucking haunts me. there is just no other way to say it, is there? that thought haunts me. it finds me at 6 o'clock on a wednesday evening and invades my brain. what about my sisters? am i going to see them die? and jon? what about my friends, the people i've grown up with?
i want to go back to the date and time when i didn't realize that everyone around me was going to die. because as exciting and wonderful as graduating college, getting married and starting a career are -- they are events which, to me, are inextricably linked to death.
which obviously, makes them difficult to thoroughly enjoy.
i'm so afraid that i will always feel this way. and honestly, when i consider the facts..i realize that yes, i will probably always feel this heavy-hearted sense of longing for the past. as i get older, i will experience loss harder and closer. i will have children, and i will experience their loss and hurt and eventually they will grow up, which will make me sadder than anything else. because really, is there anything sadder than growing up?
we're moving out of my house in the next week or so. all of our things are in boxes and the walls are bare. it makes being in my home more painful and bizarre than i can possibly describe. it's impossible not to get nostalgic when moving out of the house you've spent your entire life in, and i felt nostalgic for childhood before we assembled any cardboard boxes. so this is all a little much for me.
i don't want to grow up. i am doing so begrudgingly. i don't want to get old and have babies and retire and die. i don't want to die. and i just don't see how i'm going to avoid it.
i don't want my parents to die, and i know that i will live to see that. and that fucking haunts me. there is just no other way to say it, is there? that thought haunts me. it finds me at 6 o'clock on a wednesday evening and invades my brain. what about my sisters? am i going to see them die? and jon? what about my friends, the people i've grown up with?
i want to go back to the date and time when i didn't realize that everyone around me was going to die. because as exciting and wonderful as graduating college, getting married and starting a career are -- they are events which, to me, are inextricably linked to death.
which obviously, makes them difficult to thoroughly enjoy.