Fic: Shattered (Tony-centric) 1/?
Title: Shattered
Author: justhowthisgoes
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Angst
Pairing: None
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to Season 7
Summary: Tony can't sleep. He's worried about Ziva. Post-Aliyah angsty ficlets. TIVA. Was a one-shot, but now extended to a multi-chapter by popular request.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Fragments Of Dreams We Let Die
The numbers on the alarm clock glowed softly. 4:37 am.
Tony groaned.
Who in their right mind was up at this time of morning?
It was a moot question though, as he couldn’t be quite sure he was in his right mind at the moment.
He rolled over, burying his head in the pillows, trying not to think of the dream that had forced him to this current state of insomnia.
Nightmare, rather. He told himself. Say it how it is, Anthony.
It was too late anyway.
He couldn’t remember the exact details, but he knew it had been about Ziva. They always were these days.
He couldn’t explain why her face was such a frequent visitor to his subconscious.
No, that was a lie. He could. He was worried.
She was gone. They had left her in Israel. With Mossad.
One short, Boss?
He could still remember the bitter emptiness that had hit him like a shot to the gut when the plane took off, minus one crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues.
He knew she’d been angry with him. Hell, he’d just killed her boyfriend.
Her murderous, glass-shard-wielding boyfriend, but boyfriend nonetheless.
She had a right to be pissed.
But to leave the team? To leave NCIS? And then go months without contacting any of them?
He knew there could be many reasons for this lack of communication, the simplest being that she wasn’t planning on coming back and had made a clean break.
But still, he lost sleep troubling over it. Over her.
He couldn’t stop feeling that something must be wrong.
She would have contacted Gibbs, at least.
Gibbs had been the one she’d turned to when she was framed for killing those FBI agents, even though he’d been thousands of miles away at the time.
She had made Gibbs choose between them, in Israel.
He couldn’t imagine why she would do that. It was like asking a parent to choose between their children.
He lifted his head and looked at the clock again.
4:54
He sighed.
Giving up on sleep for now, he made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the tap and splashed cold water onto his face.
He wondered why Gibbs had chosen him. Selfishly, he was glad, but still he wondered.
He stared into the mirror. His face was haggard and his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep.
Suddenly hating himself for being selfish, for being glad, for being the reason she left, anger swiftly welled up inside him and he took it out on his reflection, punching the glass hard enough to leave a collection of splintering cracks that radiated outward from a fist-sized indentation.
He barely registered the pain. Didn’t notice the blood.
It was all his fault.
It was his fault she was gone.
It was his fault if something had happened to her.
Just like it was his fault that Jenny was dead.
Just like the myriad other things that were, ultimately, his fault.
His rage spent, he raked both hands through his hair as he slumped against the wall.
His right hand protested at the movement, reminding him of its newly injured state, and he mechanically rinsed the blood off his knuckles and went back to his bedroom.
He needed to get his act together.
Rebuild his walls, put on a fake cheery smile, and pretend to everyone that everything was a-ok.
Jokes as disguises, masquerades, camouflage.
Hiding was his specialty.
5:11
Still a couple of hours before he had to be at work.
He remembered that she used to get up this early to run.
Well, he would take a page from her book; there was no point in going back to bed now anyway.
And a run would be good for him.
Punishment for the body and clarity for the mind.
He would run until far after his energy was expended, until he was sweating and gasping and aching all over.
Anything to distract from the ache in his heart.
...
Chapter 2
Author: justhowthisgoes
Fandom: NCIS
Category: Angst
Pairing: None
Rating: T
Spoilers: Up to Season 7
Summary: Tony can't sleep. He's worried about Ziva. Post-Aliyah angsty ficlets. TIVA. Was a one-shot, but now extended to a multi-chapter by popular request.
Disclaimer: Standard disclaimers apply.
Fragments Of Dreams We Let Die
The numbers on the alarm clock glowed softly. 4:37 am.
Tony groaned.
Who in their right mind was up at this time of morning?
It was a moot question though, as he couldn’t be quite sure he was in his right mind at the moment.
He rolled over, burying his head in the pillows, trying not to think of the dream that had forced him to this current state of insomnia.
Nightmare, rather. He told himself. Say it how it is, Anthony.
It was too late anyway.
He couldn’t remember the exact details, but he knew it had been about Ziva. They always were these days.
He couldn’t explain why her face was such a frequent visitor to his subconscious.
No, that was a lie. He could. He was worried.
She was gone. They had left her in Israel. With Mossad.
One short, Boss?
He could still remember the bitter emptiness that had hit him like a shot to the gut when the plane took off, minus one crazy Israeli chick with impulse issues.
He knew she’d been angry with him. Hell, he’d just killed her boyfriend.
Her murderous, glass-shard-wielding boyfriend, but boyfriend nonetheless.
She had a right to be pissed.
But to leave the team? To leave NCIS? And then go months without contacting any of them?
He knew there could be many reasons for this lack of communication, the simplest being that she wasn’t planning on coming back and had made a clean break.
But still, he lost sleep troubling over it. Over her.
He couldn’t stop feeling that something must be wrong.
She would have contacted Gibbs, at least.
Gibbs had been the one she’d turned to when she was framed for killing those FBI agents, even though he’d been thousands of miles away at the time.
She had made Gibbs choose between them, in Israel.
He couldn’t imagine why she would do that. It was like asking a parent to choose between their children.
He lifted his head and looked at the clock again.
4:54
He sighed.
Giving up on sleep for now, he made his way to the bathroom. He turned on the tap and splashed cold water onto his face.
He wondered why Gibbs had chosen him. Selfishly, he was glad, but still he wondered.
He stared into the mirror. His face was haggard and his eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep.
Suddenly hating himself for being selfish, for being glad, for being the reason she left, anger swiftly welled up inside him and he took it out on his reflection, punching the glass hard enough to leave a collection of splintering cracks that radiated outward from a fist-sized indentation.
He barely registered the pain. Didn’t notice the blood.
It was all his fault.
It was his fault she was gone.
It was his fault if something had happened to her.
Just like it was his fault that Jenny was dead.
Just like the myriad other things that were, ultimately, his fault.
His rage spent, he raked both hands through his hair as he slumped against the wall.
His right hand protested at the movement, reminding him of its newly injured state, and he mechanically rinsed the blood off his knuckles and went back to his bedroom.
He needed to get his act together.
Rebuild his walls, put on a fake cheery smile, and pretend to everyone that everything was a-ok.
Jokes as disguises, masquerades, camouflage.
Hiding was his specialty.
5:11
Still a couple of hours before he had to be at work.
He remembered that she used to get up this early to run.
Well, he would take a page from her book; there was no point in going back to bed now anyway.
And a run would be good for him.
Punishment for the body and clarity for the mind.
He would run until far after his energy was expended, until he was sweating and gasping and aching all over.
Anything to distract from the ache in his heart.
...
Chapter 2