(no subject)
at 10:30 am, i'm going to church. this will be the first time in about 3 years that i've gone of my own volition. i have no idea why, but i'm nervous about it.
(i grew up and was confirmed in the roman catholic church, but the one i'm going to tomorrow is united church of christ. they are nothing alike.)
i never really felt alienated by the roman catholic church i grew up going to. i went without fail, every sunday. i never felt like i was being preached against or condemned to hell. it wasn't really fire and brimstone. what it was, however, was uptight and proper. the church felt so secure in feeling that this was the way God really wanted things to be done. there were serious rules in church, and i knew all of them. there was a rigid structure, and i knew it by heart. there were long prayers, and i can still recite them (yes, even the nicene creed).
there was a comfort in the rigidity of each mass, but when my father left for some reason that comfort just disappeared and was replaced with a queasy, awkward feeling that ultimately made me stop going altogether. it wasn't the change in its predictable regularity, it was something else. maybe it was the promises of better things to come in the abstract future contrasting with the sad present i was facing, or maybe it was that my mom would cry in church when she thought we wouldn't notice.
not going to church was a strange feeling at first. it was so ingrained in my routine that at first i'd spend that extra hour not knowing what to do, but eventually i would just spend it sleeping, wake up, and go to work. a new routine.
it was definitely a rough time for me, and i needed to believe in something then more than ever, but i wasn't finding it in church. when finally got to mhc a few months later i even avoided abbey chapel.
there was no bolt of lightning or moment of truth when i realized i wanted to go back to church. i was at a friend's house one sunday morning this summer, and her family invited me to go to church with them. her mom said that it would be rather different from what i was expecting, and i must admit she was right. there was a female pastor, and there were little kids singing and dancing as part of the service. it had none of the rules or structure that i was used to, but even though it was so different, it was still comforting. i didn't start going back to church, but it was still comforting nonetheless.
why was i comforted, if it wasn't the routine? i think it was because i was in a community again. i don't mean the feeling of being one in a crowd; i felt heartened to be with a group of people who were happy and thankful.
for me, religion is how you go about thanking whomever or whatever for the beauty and good in life, its just a matter of deciding how you want to go about doing it. its not about practicing in an exact way or facing eternal damnation. i think now seems like a good time to do just that.
but jeez, i'm worrying about what to wear like its some sort of job interview! like if i mess up they won't let me back haha
(i grew up and was confirmed in the roman catholic church, but the one i'm going to tomorrow is united church of christ. they are nothing alike.)
i never really felt alienated by the roman catholic church i grew up going to. i went without fail, every sunday. i never felt like i was being preached against or condemned to hell. it wasn't really fire and brimstone. what it was, however, was uptight and proper. the church felt so secure in feeling that this was the way God really wanted things to be done. there were serious rules in church, and i knew all of them. there was a rigid structure, and i knew it by heart. there were long prayers, and i can still recite them (yes, even the nicene creed).
there was a comfort in the rigidity of each mass, but when my father left for some reason that comfort just disappeared and was replaced with a queasy, awkward feeling that ultimately made me stop going altogether. it wasn't the change in its predictable regularity, it was something else. maybe it was the promises of better things to come in the abstract future contrasting with the sad present i was facing, or maybe it was that my mom would cry in church when she thought we wouldn't notice.
not going to church was a strange feeling at first. it was so ingrained in my routine that at first i'd spend that extra hour not knowing what to do, but eventually i would just spend it sleeping, wake up, and go to work. a new routine.
it was definitely a rough time for me, and i needed to believe in something then more than ever, but i wasn't finding it in church. when finally got to mhc a few months later i even avoided abbey chapel.
there was no bolt of lightning or moment of truth when i realized i wanted to go back to church. i was at a friend's house one sunday morning this summer, and her family invited me to go to church with them. her mom said that it would be rather different from what i was expecting, and i must admit she was right. there was a female pastor, and there were little kids singing and dancing as part of the service. it had none of the rules or structure that i was used to, but even though it was so different, it was still comforting. i didn't start going back to church, but it was still comforting nonetheless.
why was i comforted, if it wasn't the routine? i think it was because i was in a community again. i don't mean the feeling of being one in a crowd; i felt heartened to be with a group of people who were happy and thankful.
for me, religion is how you go about thanking whomever or whatever for the beauty and good in life, its just a matter of deciding how you want to go about doing it. its not about practicing in an exact way or facing eternal damnation. i think now seems like a good time to do just that.
but jeez, i'm worrying about what to wear like its some sort of job interview! like if i mess up they won't let me back haha