(no subject)
So tonight, I was supposed to go blazing with Duane and Denim. But it didn't work out so I was gonna spend my night at home, eating my fried rice, doing whatever. Moses came online and we started talking, and he brought up how he has nothing to do and will probably go to CTI tonight. CTI = Carpenter Tools International. For those of you that don't know, it's a very Christian name for an organization/band. So I thought about it, and at first I didn't really wanna go since Jacqueline was gonna be there. But Moses convinced me to go like he always does. So he came around, picked me up, and we got there. We had decided beforehand that if it got boring, he'd just walk me home. But we stayed and gave it a chance after I met Willy, who's this Korean guy that approached me with "So, do you skate?" when he noticed my Vans shoes. We talked and it turned out that he's a part of CTI and he played guitar & sings. So that's pretty cool.
Basically, I walked into this familiar church that I used to call my second home.. and expected nothing. Absolutely nothing, except maybe doing something other than sitting on my ass at home for another 3-4 hours. They played a lot of really good contemporary Christian music, a former passion of mine.. they did some drama in between, which was really powerful.. and one of the guys did a testimony, which was easy to relate to. All through the whole thing, it was hard not to start crying. It was pretty much like getting slapped in the face with a Bible. I guess it triggered a lot of mixed feelings about who I was, who I am, and who I used to want to be versus who I now want to be.
I used to hold on to these things so tightly; there was so much passion I had for God, for this gospel that I helped preached, the entire system I stood by, the music I played.. I completely owed my guitaring to God. I've always wanted to learn to play guitar when I was little.. and I actually got to. And it was because I started off playing for God. Every single thing, I owed to Him. I had a strong belief system, I had a strong circle of friends at church, I had strong self-confidence, and I had strong leadership skills that I had applied to all aspects of my Christian life.
I guess at the moment, everything boiled down to this: my sexuality. I honestly don't know what everything means. It felt like maybe God brought me out tonight to speak to me; to tell me something. It wasn't just another night for me to go somewhere and chill with Moses instead of rot on my ass at home. Was this God answering my prayers? Is this Him answering my questions I had been asking repeatedly? If these were His answers, then boy am I still confused! So what's this all mean?! Why can't He just somehow write me a letter or something?! It's like that song they played tonight, My Savoiur My God..
"I am not skilled to understand.. what God has willed, what God has planned."
It's not in my nature to understand God's will. I've learned this since I was of Christian faith. Cos God works in mysterious ways, and if we understood, then we wouldn't need God; we'd BE God. So, am I gonna be clueless forever? I honestly don't understand. I guess all I'm really asking for is His approval.. His blessing.. His love. I actually just want Him to say "It's okay that you're queer.. it's okay that you're not what I wanted you to be.. I just love you." -pretty much what I wish my parents could say to me.
"I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world; lost in a sea of faces."
I realize this. I've been taught this for the "x" amount of years I've been an active member of this church. We are individuals to God. He knows us each by name, He's been there from the very start.. and saying all of this feels really cliche to me because they're very common contemporary Christian lyrics.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
&& All I'm trying to do, is find my place in the world.
"This is no place to try and live my life." -Relient K
Basically, I walked into this familiar church that I used to call my second home.. and expected nothing. Absolutely nothing, except maybe doing something other than sitting on my ass at home for another 3-4 hours. They played a lot of really good contemporary Christian music, a former passion of mine.. they did some drama in between, which was really powerful.. and one of the guys did a testimony, which was easy to relate to. All through the whole thing, it was hard not to start crying. It was pretty much like getting slapped in the face with a Bible. I guess it triggered a lot of mixed feelings about who I was, who I am, and who I used to want to be versus who I now want to be.
I used to hold on to these things so tightly; there was so much passion I had for God, for this gospel that I helped preached, the entire system I stood by, the music I played.. I completely owed my guitaring to God. I've always wanted to learn to play guitar when I was little.. and I actually got to. And it was because I started off playing for God. Every single thing, I owed to Him. I had a strong belief system, I had a strong circle of friends at church, I had strong self-confidence, and I had strong leadership skills that I had applied to all aspects of my Christian life.
I guess at the moment, everything boiled down to this: my sexuality. I honestly don't know what everything means. It felt like maybe God brought me out tonight to speak to me; to tell me something. It wasn't just another night for me to go somewhere and chill with Moses instead of rot on my ass at home. Was this God answering my prayers? Is this Him answering my questions I had been asking repeatedly? If these were His answers, then boy am I still confused! So what's this all mean?! Why can't He just somehow write me a letter or something?! It's like that song they played tonight, My Savoiur My God..
"I am not skilled to understand.. what God has willed, what God has planned."
It's not in my nature to understand God's will. I've learned this since I was of Christian faith. Cos God works in mysterious ways, and if we understood, then we wouldn't need God; we'd BE God. So, am I gonna be clueless forever? I honestly don't understand. I guess all I'm really asking for is His approval.. His blessing.. His love. I actually just want Him to say "It's okay that you're queer.. it's okay that you're not what I wanted you to be.. I just love you." -pretty much what I wish my parents could say to me.
"I am not just a man, vastly lost in this world; lost in a sea of faces."
I realize this. I've been taught this for the "x" amount of years I've been an active member of this church. We are individuals to God. He knows us each by name, He's been there from the very start.. and saying all of this feels really cliche to me because they're very common contemporary Christian lyrics.
Stones taught me to fly
Love taught me to lie
Life taught me to die
So it's not hard to fall
When you float like a cannonball
&& All I'm trying to do, is find my place in the world.
"This is no place to try and live my life." -Relient K