(no subject)
Fuck.
I miss you, Lj. I miss opening up. Then I post something dramatic on FB because I'm dying to get something out and have nobody I feel I can really talk to and I hate myself for putting myself out there at all.
I'm really feeling down. Like I can't be enough. Work is SO HARD right now. It's the busiest time of ever and I'm without an assistant. I am heading both the accounts payable and accounts receivable positions on my own, with minimal help from people just trying to make time to help me aside from their typical, already busy positions, in a very busy and continually growing 9-store (plus internet which ships worldwide) company. Really, it could easily be a three-at-least position job, what I'm doing. And it's on me. And while I'm doing it, I'm struggling. My boss and the partners are tip-toeing around me, being nothing but sweet as can be. I suspect the fact I expressed interest in leaving in order to get a raise recently has something to do with me. It would really suck for them if I left. And really, it's barely a consideration. It's not their fault, the spot I'm in. They've expressed sympathies and are gentle with me. I love the company. I just hate the spot I'm in. I also managed to get tickets to the KS95 Rock the Boat thing that Shane has been wanting to do cuz of them. Pretty sure strings were pulled. They appreciate me. I appreciate that. And so, I do my time and hope the next assistant is the last.
But like I was saying... work takes all of me right now. Shane knows this and so he wants to take on all the housework. Except his housework ideas are insane. Stuff inside and out. Plan for our upcoming yard sale. Figure out the problems with the pets. And it's a lot. And he stresses. And he expresses that and then I feel like shit cuz I need to be doing some of this stuff and I just can't. I have nothing left after work. I managed to grocery shop and make a meal but that's about it. And I feel so shitty and then I can do even less. Oh, plus he goes to work and hour before me and comes home an hour after me. Even with my longer hours. So man, do I feel like shit. He does EVERYTHING. And I do nothing. I do everything for work, and cherish my job security - especially with shane always changing jobs - but then I have nothing for home.
I feel like a failure. Like a waste. I cut my hair today in attempts to feel better but since I have, I've cried for the first time in a long time... like seriously bawled. And I am not a crier. Not a good sign for a new fresh 'do.
Sigh.
At least we had a good time at dinner tonight. And my hair was pretty cute.
