[oncoming_storms] - Choices
Set during Absolution and therefore rife with spoilers for it.
It is our choices, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
When I at last become myself, as I was always meant to be, it is my family who are the first--the only--to protest.
Charley reacts with horror and disbelief. “What’s happened to you? You look like...the devil.”
The words might hurt if I didn’t know that this was my true form. As things are, I feel no sorrow for the change.
The Doctor, however, is much more forceful. “C’rizz, listen to me.” His voice is desperate. I have heard him desperate before, but never towards me. “You need to recapture those souls and put them back into your absolver. Otherwise your pet, Borarus here, is going to absorb every populated planet in this corner of the galaxy, and then once it’s done, it’ll move on to other galaxies until it absorbs every living thing in this universe.”
I can tell what the Doctor is feeling. I can see the fright on Charley’s face. All these things tell me is that they don’t understand. They can’t. They can’t see that I have spent my whole life preparing for this--that even my journey with them was always meant to bring me here. I have been searching for my purpose since I left the Church. Since I lost L’da. Since I began to travel with them and started to realize just how much more is out there.
And here I am, at journey’s end. The voices can no longer torment me. Finally, they are as they were always meant to be--a part of me, set free. I saved those people--all of them! Every person from the very first the Church brought me to, back in days that I thought I left behind a long time ago. Now they all will live forever.
Knowing that, how can I even consider putting them back into their prison? How can the Doctor ask me to do such a thing?
I try to tell them, to explain. I am saving everyone. I will, finally, save them, too. But all Charley can say is that I’m not what I know I am. And all the Doctor can say is that what I’m doing is not saving anyone at all.
Charley’s voice breaks with emotion as she pleads with me, making requests that she knows I can’t grant, even if she refuses to believe it. “C’rizz, listen to me. If you continue with this madness, the last two people who love you will be gone forever.”
They don’t understand. So much time together, and in the end, they can’t even see the truth of my existence. Inside, my heart aches because of it. But I know--they will soon discover for themselves the importance of my purpose. They will be absolved, and they will know. Nothing will be lost in the end. My family will never be gone.
The Doctor, however, speaks up with a request that I wasn’t expecting. “All right, C’rizz, all right. Absolve me if you must, but let Charley go. Let her go.”
The Doctor’s surprising words make something catch inside of me, just for an instant. I know what he is doing because I’ve seen it many times before. He is trying to sacrifice himself to save Charley. To save her...from me?
No, Doctor. What I am doing will save everyone. That cannot be stopped.
“I have no choice.”
Borarus is the only truth now. No more blending in with my surroundings. No more being swayed by everyone I meet. There is only one path for me now, and everyone will follow me down it. And isn’t that something wonderful? Why, Doctor, don’t you understand that?
“Yes, you do.” The Doctor’s voice is firm, and there is a glint in his eyes that I know well. He has given me that look many times before, and it is always accompanied by words very like these--words that reach inside of me and make me want everything I don’t believe I can have. “Nobody controls you. You are the master of your own destiny.”
I am ready to protest. Something in my heart screams--aren’t those words true? Haven’t I learned that by now?--but that isn’t the way things are anymore. I didn’t understand my purpose then. Now that I have found it, what choice can I possibly make?
A loud noise cuts me off before I can say a word.
“Was that your assimilator thing?”
“The five minutes are up.”
My eyes widen as I struggle to understand. I reach out with my mind, tracking it across the planet, into the citadel, searching for the source.
“C’rizz,” Charley pleads, one last time, “Do something or we’ll all die. Please.
“What have you done?” I cry, angrier than I have ever been before. I can feel what is happening now. Everything, everything I have lived for will be wiped out!
Including my family.
“It’s too late, Charley. I’m sorry.”
And when he says those words, I realize the truth. The Doctor didn’t just oppose the idea of Borarus absorbing everything. He was willing to die to stop it. And, more than that, he was willing to watch Charley die. He was willing to do something that I had never seen him even hint at before--the only thing that he had always, always emphatically refused to do.
And I know, in that instant, in that flash, that I don't want this. I never wanted any of this. All I ever wanted was to save people. To absolve them, so that they could die at peace. To protect them, so that they didn't have to die at all.
How did it come to this? Tormented souls were trapped, dragged across the universe in my travels. Everyone I ever absolved was a tortured prisoner. And for what? What was it all for? If I can’t set them free at the end, then why?
Doctor, if this is wrong, then what is right?
I know that only an instant remains for any of us. But that instant seems to stretch out forever before me, and I can’t help my mind turning to the past as I see the end of our future.
I have looked to the Doctor for guidance ever since I met him. Now is no different. But I also betrayed him once--to Rassilon. It wasn’t because I trusted Rassilon. I was afraid--afraid of the voices, afraid of myself. Afraid of losing my only chance to see L’da again. I was so very stupid. I understood nothing back then--nothing of myself or of anyone around me.
After it was over, when Charley asked the Doctor how they could trust me, knowing about my changing nature, the Doctor was angry. He was angry because she'd included him in that. The Doctor trusted me. He's trusted me since the day he met me. He trusted me even as he learned more about me. He trusted me when he saw me pitted between him and my father. He trusted me even just after I had betrayed him. And he is trusting me now, even after learning of my true nature. Trusting that I will make a choice.
And I know one more thing. The Doctor is a good man--the very best sort of man, I think. I believe in him. I always have, and I always will. And I believe in myself, too, because of him. And I realize, in that instant that to me seems an eternity, that Aboresh was wrong. The Doctor hasn't held me back. He's given me the power I need to make that choice.
I won't let the Doctor down. I won't let down the universe that he and Charley love. And I won't let my family die.
It is too late to attempt to absorb Borarus. Nothing so mundane can stop this now. Now, there is only one thing that I can do--only one way to save my family.
And I will do it gladly.
It only takes an instant. That’s all you need for a choice, after all. And when it’s over, when I’m myself again--my true self, the same self that I have always been, the one that I have chosen at the end--I don’t want to say good-bye any more than they do. Not because I’m afraid of dying. Never that. All things must die. No, it’s because I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to see what my death will do to them. The Doctor will go on, I know. But I wish I could tell him what he has done for me. I try to, but words are not nearly enough. And Sis...Charley...isn’t there any way to comfort you?
But I have no words--no time left to do so, as much as I might wish it were different.
If only you could understand. I will be with L’da again. I will die knowing that I have saved you both. What more can I ask for? Nothing could make me happier.
But maybe there is one way to show them what words cannot express--one last thing that I can do before I go. I have one thing left to give. One trace that I can leave behind.
And as I let go, I do so thinking of L’da, but also of them.
Live. Please, go on and live. If you can do that, then it’s worth my life.
Farewell, my family. Thanks to you, I was able to be something greater than myself. I fashioned my own destiny.
Now go on and fashion yours.
And if you can, make it a happy one.
C'rizz
1611 words
It is our choices, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.
When I at last become myself, as I was always meant to be, it is my family who are the first--the only--to protest.
Charley reacts with horror and disbelief. “What’s happened to you? You look like...the devil.”
The words might hurt if I didn’t know that this was my true form. As things are, I feel no sorrow for the change.
The Doctor, however, is much more forceful. “C’rizz, listen to me.” His voice is desperate. I have heard him desperate before, but never towards me. “You need to recapture those souls and put them back into your absolver. Otherwise your pet, Borarus here, is going to absorb every populated planet in this corner of the galaxy, and then once it’s done, it’ll move on to other galaxies until it absorbs every living thing in this universe.”
I can tell what the Doctor is feeling. I can see the fright on Charley’s face. All these things tell me is that they don’t understand. They can’t. They can’t see that I have spent my whole life preparing for this--that even my journey with them was always meant to bring me here. I have been searching for my purpose since I left the Church. Since I lost L’da. Since I began to travel with them and started to realize just how much more is out there.
And here I am, at journey’s end. The voices can no longer torment me. Finally, they are as they were always meant to be--a part of me, set free. I saved those people--all of them! Every person from the very first the Church brought me to, back in days that I thought I left behind a long time ago. Now they all will live forever.
Knowing that, how can I even consider putting them back into their prison? How can the Doctor ask me to do such a thing?
I try to tell them, to explain. I am saving everyone. I will, finally, save them, too. But all Charley can say is that I’m not what I know I am. And all the Doctor can say is that what I’m doing is not saving anyone at all.
Charley’s voice breaks with emotion as she pleads with me, making requests that she knows I can’t grant, even if she refuses to believe it. “C’rizz, listen to me. If you continue with this madness, the last two people who love you will be gone forever.”
They don’t understand. So much time together, and in the end, they can’t even see the truth of my existence. Inside, my heart aches because of it. But I know--they will soon discover for themselves the importance of my purpose. They will be absolved, and they will know. Nothing will be lost in the end. My family will never be gone.
The Doctor, however, speaks up with a request that I wasn’t expecting. “All right, C’rizz, all right. Absolve me if you must, but let Charley go. Let her go.”
The Doctor’s surprising words make something catch inside of me, just for an instant. I know what he is doing because I’ve seen it many times before. He is trying to sacrifice himself to save Charley. To save her...from me?
No, Doctor. What I am doing will save everyone. That cannot be stopped.
“I have no choice.”
Borarus is the only truth now. No more blending in with my surroundings. No more being swayed by everyone I meet. There is only one path for me now, and everyone will follow me down it. And isn’t that something wonderful? Why, Doctor, don’t you understand that?
“Yes, you do.” The Doctor’s voice is firm, and there is a glint in his eyes that I know well. He has given me that look many times before, and it is always accompanied by words very like these--words that reach inside of me and make me want everything I don’t believe I can have. “Nobody controls you. You are the master of your own destiny.”
I am ready to protest. Something in my heart screams--aren’t those words true? Haven’t I learned that by now?--but that isn’t the way things are anymore. I didn’t understand my purpose then. Now that I have found it, what choice can I possibly make?
A loud noise cuts me off before I can say a word.
“Was that your assimilator thing?”
“The five minutes are up.”
My eyes widen as I struggle to understand. I reach out with my mind, tracking it across the planet, into the citadel, searching for the source.
“C’rizz,” Charley pleads, one last time, “Do something or we’ll all die. Please.
“What have you done?” I cry, angrier than I have ever been before. I can feel what is happening now. Everything, everything I have lived for will be wiped out!
Including my family.
“It’s too late, Charley. I’m sorry.”
And when he says those words, I realize the truth. The Doctor didn’t just oppose the idea of Borarus absorbing everything. He was willing to die to stop it. And, more than that, he was willing to watch Charley die. He was willing to do something that I had never seen him even hint at before--the only thing that he had always, always emphatically refused to do.
And I know, in that instant, in that flash, that I don't want this. I never wanted any of this. All I ever wanted was to save people. To absolve them, so that they could die at peace. To protect them, so that they didn't have to die at all.
How did it come to this? Tormented souls were trapped, dragged across the universe in my travels. Everyone I ever absolved was a tortured prisoner. And for what? What was it all for? If I can’t set them free at the end, then why?
Doctor, if this is wrong, then what is right?
I know that only an instant remains for any of us. But that instant seems to stretch out forever before me, and I can’t help my mind turning to the past as I see the end of our future.
I have looked to the Doctor for guidance ever since I met him. Now is no different. But I also betrayed him once--to Rassilon. It wasn’t because I trusted Rassilon. I was afraid--afraid of the voices, afraid of myself. Afraid of losing my only chance to see L’da again. I was so very stupid. I understood nothing back then--nothing of myself or of anyone around me.
After it was over, when Charley asked the Doctor how they could trust me, knowing about my changing nature, the Doctor was angry. He was angry because she'd included him in that. The Doctor trusted me. He's trusted me since the day he met me. He trusted me even as he learned more about me. He trusted me when he saw me pitted between him and my father. He trusted me even just after I had betrayed him. And he is trusting me now, even after learning of my true nature. Trusting that I will make a choice.
And I know one more thing. The Doctor is a good man--the very best sort of man, I think. I believe in him. I always have, and I always will. And I believe in myself, too, because of him. And I realize, in that instant that to me seems an eternity, that Aboresh was wrong. The Doctor hasn't held me back. He's given me the power I need to make that choice.
I won't let the Doctor down. I won't let down the universe that he and Charley love. And I won't let my family die.
It is too late to attempt to absorb Borarus. Nothing so mundane can stop this now. Now, there is only one thing that I can do--only one way to save my family.
And I will do it gladly.
It only takes an instant. That’s all you need for a choice, after all. And when it’s over, when I’m myself again--my true self, the same self that I have always been, the one that I have chosen at the end--I don’t want to say good-bye any more than they do. Not because I’m afraid of dying. Never that. All things must die. No, it’s because I don’t want to see this. I don’t want to see what my death will do to them. The Doctor will go on, I know. But I wish I could tell him what he has done for me. I try to, but words are not nearly enough. And Sis...Charley...isn’t there any way to comfort you?
But I have no words--no time left to do so, as much as I might wish it were different.
If only you could understand. I will be with L’da again. I will die knowing that I have saved you both. What more can I ask for? Nothing could make me happier.
But maybe there is one way to show them what words cannot express--one last thing that I can do before I go. I have one thing left to give. One trace that I can leave behind.
And as I let go, I do so thinking of L’da, but also of them.
Live. Please, go on and live. If you can do that, then it’s worth my life.
Farewell, my family. Thanks to you, I was able to be something greater than myself. I fashioned my own destiny.
Now go on and fashion yours.
And if you can, make it a happy one.
C'rizz
1611 words