Im back?
Possibly Im back.. wow i havent written in almost a year, and before that many months. Reading my last couples posts too.. wow.. so glad Im not in that place anymore as far as confusion. Cant say really my mental state is much better currently but at least Ive got some stability? I dunno.. I guess I feel like I need an outlet right now. All these thoughts and/or ideas going on in my head, if only I could somehow talk them out with myself. I think I avoid having those conversations with myself because I dont want to get upset more than I know I already am.
I guess I should start out with the good- an update on previously left off topics.
1.) I lost the weight. Down 83lbs at my lowest! WOO! Its slightly amazing. lol I guess Ive just become used to on a daily basis obviously this is what I look like now, yesterday, tomorrow.. so when I havent seen people in a long time they are SO SHOCKED (obviously) which is nice, semi awkward, fun and flattering. I obviously dont see me on a daily basis besides the mirror so its interesting to look at pictures of events now and im Like "DAAYYUUUMMM I do look SO DIFFERENT! GOSH IM THIN!" Like I know I am.. obviously.. but seeing it in a picture with other people or something, interesting to say the least. Looking back at pictures of the "old me" is semi painful. I guess I see the pain i was in, see how uncomfortable I was on the inside radiating outwards and generally how extremely unhealthy I was. It makes me sad and I wonder how things woulda been different had I not made the decisions I did, or had I made them earlier or later.
2.) I got me a man! A pretty amazing one at that :) He makes me smile so much beyond what I thought was possible. I think I fall even more in love everytime we part ways after spending time together. He's my best friend, I can tell him anything, he understands me and has been there for me thru everything thats been happening this year. To think its about this time last year when I was realizing HOW MUCH I liked him. Around my birthday last year was when it clicked for me and we started hanging out a lot more after that. He kissed me for the first time at the end of September :) We were going strong til around halloween and somethings went down, here enters confusion as stated in previous posts, and we didnt talk for almost a month and a half, or rarely talked withough upsetting each other. Then we figured shit out, and I asked him to be my boyfriend like a total 13 year old :) So tomorrow is out 10month anniversary! WEIRD AND AWESOME. One because wow that went fast, two because I feel like he's always been there, three Ive loved this so much. so so much. I love him I love him I love him. Makes me cry just even expressing HOW MUCH I care about and love him. Ive loved watching us grow as a couple and him and I as individuals. I love that he cares how every day goes, what Im doing, wants to hold my hand in the car, looks so unbearably cute when he tilts his hat so he doesnt bill me when he kisses me:) teehee. I love this boy.
Those are the best things in the last year..
Not so good things?? I feel like Ive lost a lot of friends. Maybe grown apart with some. Part of me feels like I had no control over this and it makes me upset. I havent been feeling the best health wise for about 10 months now too. Seems stupid cuz im in the best health of my life and now I feel like shit unexpectedly almost everyday. Its starting to make me stop doing a lot of things I loved, made me stop talking to a lot of people either because i didnt want to be around anyone while feeling this way or because i'd finally open up to them and they'd critisize me for it. thanks? Its definitely been a battle. really really frustrating. Dont know if ive made much progress. I dunno.
well Im getting pretty tired so I think i'll leave it here for now. Hopefully I make an appearance again soon. Im in need of some good venting and pouring of feelings :)
Til then...
I guess I should start out with the good- an update on previously left off topics.
1.) I lost the weight. Down 83lbs at my lowest! WOO! Its slightly amazing. lol I guess Ive just become used to on a daily basis obviously this is what I look like now, yesterday, tomorrow.. so when I havent seen people in a long time they are SO SHOCKED (obviously) which is nice, semi awkward, fun and flattering. I obviously dont see me on a daily basis besides the mirror so its interesting to look at pictures of events now and im Like "DAAYYUUUMMM I do look SO DIFFERENT! GOSH IM THIN!" Like I know I am.. obviously.. but seeing it in a picture with other people or something, interesting to say the least. Looking back at pictures of the "old me" is semi painful. I guess I see the pain i was in, see how uncomfortable I was on the inside radiating outwards and generally how extremely unhealthy I was. It makes me sad and I wonder how things woulda been different had I not made the decisions I did, or had I made them earlier or later.
2.) I got me a man! A pretty amazing one at that :) He makes me smile so much beyond what I thought was possible. I think I fall even more in love everytime we part ways after spending time together. He's my best friend, I can tell him anything, he understands me and has been there for me thru everything thats been happening this year. To think its about this time last year when I was realizing HOW MUCH I liked him. Around my birthday last year was when it clicked for me and we started hanging out a lot more after that. He kissed me for the first time at the end of September :) We were going strong til around halloween and somethings went down, here enters confusion as stated in previous posts, and we didnt talk for almost a month and a half, or rarely talked withough upsetting each other. Then we figured shit out, and I asked him to be my boyfriend like a total 13 year old :) So tomorrow is out 10month anniversary! WEIRD AND AWESOME. One because wow that went fast, two because I feel like he's always been there, three Ive loved this so much. so so much. I love him I love him I love him. Makes me cry just even expressing HOW MUCH I care about and love him. Ive loved watching us grow as a couple and him and I as individuals. I love that he cares how every day goes, what Im doing, wants to hold my hand in the car, looks so unbearably cute when he tilts his hat so he doesnt bill me when he kisses me:) teehee. I love this boy.
Those are the best things in the last year..
Not so good things?? I feel like Ive lost a lot of friends. Maybe grown apart with some. Part of me feels like I had no control over this and it makes me upset. I havent been feeling the best health wise for about 10 months now too. Seems stupid cuz im in the best health of my life and now I feel like shit unexpectedly almost everyday. Its starting to make me stop doing a lot of things I loved, made me stop talking to a lot of people either because i didnt want to be around anyone while feeling this way or because i'd finally open up to them and they'd critisize me for it. thanks? Its definitely been a battle. really really frustrating. Dont know if ive made much progress. I dunno.
well Im getting pretty tired so I think i'll leave it here for now. Hopefully I make an appearance again soon. Im in need of some good venting and pouring of feelings :)
Til then...