not too sure yet
well now i have a boyfriend. isnt that what ive been wanting for? then why is nothing differnt? ive become slightly dependent.. not on really on him but on stuff and i drink a lot. like u see people drunk on weekends, its "YEAA PARTY!" but this is more like woo hoo.. and sleep. i also, i dont know. im still stuck. i owe him more, so much more. i dont understand why he loves me? why he thinks im beautiful? i wish i saw it, maybe then i would be able to really love myself. i tried to let him go for his sake. but is that selfish or selfless? because he does want to be with me, it makes him happy. but i always hurt him.. its only a matter of time until i hurt him so much that he wont come back. i dont know if i cant take another person just leaving me. why do they have to leave me? i know thats why im pushing him away. but i cant help not wanting to get close for fear of being without them again. i feel like im going to just drop to the ground and die. who can i tell that to? i have no one to trust or love anymore. i try to trust him, my friends, my family. but im always disappointed and i know people arent perfect but i only want to feel wanted and needed and loved and why am i fucking crying? im so emotional and its stupid because its for nothing when no one cares, when no one is there to wipe away your tears and let you know everything is going to turn out fine. i want it to be fine. just dont let it end sooner then that. i cant live my whole life full of false laughs and smiles, false joy and belonging. i want it all. for real, nothing lacking. i love you. now what? more disappointment.