Wanderlust
[Spoiler (click to open)]
Wanderlust - when you wake up in the middle of the night and just feel the urge to go somewhere completely new. You stare into the dark, feeling completely restless. Unable to fall back asleep.
That’s my life. Every few weeks, sometimes months, it hits me.
I lie awake, minute after minute, hour after hour, trying to distract myself from the invisible power that is attempting to pull me out of my room, my flat and away from here.
Sometimes it works. Most times it doesn’t. I end up leaving my cozy, warm bed, stepping into the harsh coldness of my room, packing up my belongings, grabbing my wallet and keys and backpack and leaving the house.
I will drive to the airport without knowing where I am going to end up. I will just take a look at the flights boarding soon and pick out one that seems the most appealing to me. I will buy a ticket und just fly away.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? So easy. Carefree. Maybe, in a way, it is. But it also is harder than you could ever imagine.
You have to find a job that earns you enough money but also gives you the freedom to do as you please. You have to explain to your family, friends, husband why you just disappear overnight, time after time without leaving a message. And even if you try to explain, they will not understand. Never. It’s hard to understand what you haven’t lived. Almost impossible.
Try explaining this urge to someone who has never experienced it, who only sees his loved one disappear again and again. Worrying if you’re alright until he receives the relieving message that you are fine.
Yes, I do know how he is feeling. Trust me, I do. It’s what sometimes makes my willpower win. Helping me to stay with him. But even for his sake I can’t always force the need to get away. It is stressful. For both of us. And it puts a heavy burden on our relationship.
Sometimes it worries me. Who am I kidding. It worries me very often. How long can we do this? How long can we keep this up?
We’ve been a couple for seven years, married for two.
Of course, it’s getting easier. He’s adjusting to me being away just like I’m adjusting to fighting harder to be able to stay with him. But it’s still hard. Even more when we’re regarding our future. I can’t keep living like this forever. We can’t. We’re not getting any younger.
We have always wanted kids. But raising children in this lifestyle is impossible.
Don’t get me wrong. I love seeing all the different places. Being on the road is great. But every now and then I still find myself wishing for some kind of normality.
A regular nine to five job. Husband, two children, a dog. A nice house in the suburbs with a white picket fence. The typical cliché.
Sounds boring to you? Well, not to me. And sure as hell not to my husband. We talked about it countless times. We both kind of want it. But that dream is not exactly easy to achieve when you spend the majority of your time trying to figure out where your wife went, never knowing when she will return, sometimes following her halfway across the world.
It’s not exactly easy to achieve when you wake up in the beds of various cheap motels every other day.
Yes, I like this life. Meeting new people, seeing new places, learning new things. It’s amazing. I’ve already seen so many places. The peaceful highlands of Scotland, the bright liveliness of Rio de Janeiro. The hectic of Tokyo and the calmness in Canada’s countryside. It is wonderful.
That’s what makes it easier to leave everything behind.
But there’s also all the things making me want to resist and stay at home.
The welcoming feeling that only your own flat holds. The joy of playing with your niece when the family visits. The warmness when you are wrapped up in a warm blanket, drinking hot chocolate and spending time with your loved ones while listening to the harsh winter-wind howling around the house, bringing the first snow of the year. Waking up next to someone you love, knowing that he will always be there. Having a future to look forward to. Children. Growing old together. Everything that matters and so much more.
A/N: Not too happy with the ending but yeah, here it is. I hope you like it :) Constructive criticism and opinions are always very welcome (cookies for comments). Thanks for reading!
Word Count: 743