Goodbye forever
Title: Goodbye forever
Author: justcici
Pairing: Jalex
Rating: PG
Warnings: Light swearing, mentions of self-harm
Word Count: 926
Summary: He can't do it anymore. He finally had enough.
Disclaimer: The whole thing is pure fiction and never happened, I don't own any of the persons mentioned. If there's any similarity to any song or something it's probably coincidence and in no way intended.
A/N: At the bottom
Tell me, why did you have to leave? Why did you have to leave now? At the hardest of times?
You knew what I was going through. I told you. I trusted you. You were the one who made get help. And you were also there to support me when I dropped the sessions with the counselor at school.
So why did you leave? I would love to know. But you don’t tell me.
I don’t know anymore, why I trusted you. I told you almost everything that ever happened to me on the evening we first went out. I told you about having been hit by my parents on a regular basis until I was about 12 years old. I told you about being bullied at school. I told you about my self-esteem problems. And you listened. So why did you stop listening when I most needed you?
You were the first and only one to discover I cut. We were lying cuddled up in my bed, just talking to each other when you saw the wound. You asked me what happened. And unlike everyone else you didn’t buy my stupid excuse.
But knowing of all the baggage I was carrying with me didn’t stop you from betraying me. You lied to me. Countless times. But I always forgave you. Because I needed you. And I still do. I still need you. Sure, I moved on. I have all those nice friends now. I have a best friend willing to help me whenever I need him. But I can’t talk to him the way I could talk to you.
You know, my cutting increased after that fight that literally broke my heart. Did you know you were the first one? The first one to break my heart? Well, you were. And you noticed my cutting. Every week, every Friday when we met up with our group there were new wounds and scars on my arm. Of course, I always covered them and always had a stupid excuse ready in case anyone asked. And everyone bought the lies. Because they thought they knew me. Or at least that’s what I keep telling myself. That they didn’t know better. Because I don’t want to believe that they just didn’t care. Even though somewhere at the bottom of my heart, I do believe it. And again, you were the only one to notice. Every week you checked my arm to see if there were new cuts. And every week you would just look at me with those big, brown eyes of yours. It was a sad look in your eyes. Do you know that it only made me more miserable? I hated to disappoint you and still, I couldn’t stop. And I hated myself for it. I still do. All I wanted was a hug and someone to tell me it was gonna be alright but all I ever got was that look which resolved in another mark on my arm. Through all that time you never once spoke to me. At least, it never went further than the usual hellos and goodbyes. And that saddened me even more. Because in some way I always hoped that things could go back to normal between us. But I guess that’s never gonna happen. I will just stay the same awkward way it is now. Avoiding eye-contact, only speaking when it’s inevitable and when a conversation actually starts it’s just as awkward as ever.
Of course I know it’s stupid to still keep the hope alive. And truth be told, I was almost over this whole shit once. But then you decided you had to kiss me again. Do you remember, the night at Rian’s party? Yeah, that one. Somehow I ended up on your lap somewhere in between the barbeque and the party room. And then we cuddled. And kissed. And for a short moment everything was just like it used to be. Yeah, I know, I was stupid for actually believing it. But I did. Heck, when Rian came out to talk to us because he didn’t want me to get hurt and you told him that everything was okay again between us I believed every single word. But then you had to crush me again. What you did may not seem bad to you, but it broke me down again. Just by telling me that you thought it was a ‘bad idea’ to just hang out (and yes, by hanging out I actually meant hanging out and not making out even though you didn’t seem to get that).
So there I was again. Alone. But somehow I managed to stay strong. I just went on with life as if nothing ever happened between us. I kept going to school, trying to get good marks so I could get out of this hell as soon as possible, helping my friends when they needed me. But I guess it was only a matter of time until I couldn’t take it anymore. And I guess today is that day. The day I just need to break it all off in order to save myself. Because this afternoon, when I took the razor to my wrist again, after nearly five months of being clean I realized that I couldn’t take it anymore.
So after all the shit you put me through I will say goodbye. Forever.
So here it goes.
Goodbye my darling. Goodbye forever. This will be the last thing you’ll ever hear from me, because I’m finally done.
Goodbye.
A/N: Okay, wow. So, I just wrote this in a matter of 15 minutes or so (and it isn't even an understatement). I can't really say where it came from (well, I do know but you certainly don't want to). Also, I'm not too sure about the rating so please forgive me if you would've rated it otherwise.
Anyways, I hope you like it! Reviews would be nice? Pretty please? :)