So on to now: On opening up
Yeah, a third post in a row. What can I say? I'm behind.
I occurs to me that in the past year or two I've done quite a bit of opening up in some parts of my life, particularly with regard to friendship and emotion. Intimacy, really. I've torn down some big walls in my life. It also occurs to me that I've still got some pretty big walls. There are some things I think about that I just don't feel comfortable talking about here, for instance, and not always because they're things best left unsaid. Actually, I think the very concept of "things left unsaid" is the difficulty for me. For a very long time, I felt unsafe revealing any part of myself to anyone, and that's what's been changing over the last year or two. I have this gut feel that some things really are better left private, but in the emotional flux of recent history I find myself unsure of where to draw the line. And that makes me nervous. I don't want to mess up and say something I shouldn't have, and so by default I fall back on saying too little.
The same thing happens with only minor variation with expectations of self-representation. I find that if I'm in a social situation where I perceive a strong expectation of my role in that group, I have a tendency to try to fill that role. Sometimes I'm even honestly comfortable in it, even if it's not entirely natural, which confuses me to no end. I feel like I've worked my way out of a lot of that over these past two years, but whenever I get into navel-gazing mode I see many more places where it still needs to happen.
Or does it? At what point does it become appropriate to keep up the walls to maintain social order? Complete lack of personal emotional boundaries is no better than too-strong walls.
I occurs to me that in the past year or two I've done quite a bit of opening up in some parts of my life, particularly with regard to friendship and emotion. Intimacy, really. I've torn down some big walls in my life. It also occurs to me that I've still got some pretty big walls. There are some things I think about that I just don't feel comfortable talking about here, for instance, and not always because they're things best left unsaid. Actually, I think the very concept of "things left unsaid" is the difficulty for me. For a very long time, I felt unsafe revealing any part of myself to anyone, and that's what's been changing over the last year or two. I have this gut feel that some things really are better left private, but in the emotional flux of recent history I find myself unsure of where to draw the line. And that makes me nervous. I don't want to mess up and say something I shouldn't have, and so by default I fall back on saying too little.
The same thing happens with only minor variation with expectations of self-representation. I find that if I'm in a social situation where I perceive a strong expectation of my role in that group, I have a tendency to try to fill that role. Sometimes I'm even honestly comfortable in it, even if it's not entirely natural, which confuses me to no end. I feel like I've worked my way out of a lot of that over these past two years, but whenever I get into navel-gazing mode I see many more places where it still needs to happen.
Or does it? At what point does it become appropriate to keep up the walls to maintain social order? Complete lack of personal emotional boundaries is no better than too-strong walls.